Cool Cat Casino Download Feb 2021

Continuing… (It's Part 6 in the saga, I fucked up. Sorry.)
So, after a few re-fueling and impromptu cigar-purchasing stops in South and Central America, we wheel up to the deserted jetway at LAX.
“Thought we were going to Elmendorf?” I asked.
“This isn’t it?” the pilot replied, feigning worry.
“No.”, I replied, “Looks like California. Fruits and nuts. All around. What’s going on? One minute we’re off to Texas, then Cali, then Texas again, now we end up here at the California airport of the iconic tower.”
“Yeah, it’s confusing enough haulin’ civilians around. But when we get a call from Virginia, we tend to comply without any questions,” the pilot explains.
“Aw, shit!”, I sort of exclaim, “Rack and Ruin called?”
“Yeah”, the pilot replies, “Figures you’d know these guys. They said they were closer to LAX rather than Texas and had us divert here. In fact, you look over there, see that dark blue Chevy? That’s them; and evidently, your ride.”
I tipped the airman from earlier a couple of cigars as he helped me with my gear off the plane and into the trunk of Rack and Ruin’s plain-Jane blue late modeled Chevy. Had to move the Sidewinder Missiles off to one side, though.
“Most honorable Agents Lack and Luin!” I quipped in my faux-racist greeting. “What the hell, guys? I’ve got to get to Japan and get some newly rigidified digits.”
“Let’s see your hand”, Agent Rack asks. “Nasty.”
“Yeah”, I sigh “And with the medicos in South America and their penchant for plaster, I don’t so much have a left hand as more of an ankylosaur tail.”
“Or Thagomizer”, Agent Ruin tittered. “Anyone gives you grief, and one upside the head should set them right. Or dead.”
“You’re a riot, Ruin.” I replied, “But not entirely incorrect.”
We all agreed that I really didn’t need any extra accouterments to make myself look more dangerous. I mean with my severe haircut, stern beard clip, and perpetual ‘Go fuck yourself’ scowl.
“Yeah”, I replied, stroking the aforementioned beard, “I just can’t get that. I’m such a people person.”
After Agents Rack and Ruin finished drying their eyes from laughing what I thought was en extremis, we finally got down to business.
“So, what’s the skinny, guys”, I asked. “New marching orders?”
“No. Not as such”, Agent Ruin said, still sniggering over my ‘people person’ comment.
I see we’re moving. Agent Rack is just driving casually, like Chewbacca when they were waiting to see if the Empire went for that expensive Bothan code.
“Then, what?” I asked, getting a slight bit piqued.
“Well”, Agent Ruin noted, “When you went to South America, you took some of your artillery collection with, correct?”
“You know I did. You even made some snide comments about my personal choice of sidearms and their ‘excessive’ calibers, if memory serves”, I reiterated.
“And if you are proceeding normally, as you always do, they’re all nestled in the trunk of this very car. All cleaned, quiet, unloaded, and smelling sweetly of Hoppe’s Number 9 and WD 40, correct?” Rack inquired.
“Yes?” I cautiously venture.
“Well, ya’ big dummy, do you think they’re going to let you saunter into Tokyo armed like the Third Fleet?” Agent Ruin chuckled.
“Um…well…I do have a Diplomatic Passport.” I ventured.
“That’s not going to work this time.”, Agent Ruin said, shaking his head. “They’re tighter than Dick’s Hatband about sidearms. Want to bring in your Rigby SXS .500 Nitro Express double rifle? Not a problem. Sidearms, especially in your alien hunting calibers, nope.”
Well, that’s just….*dandy!”, I reply, semi-put out. “Now what the hell am I going to do?”
“Ever think that’s why Ruin and I are here, now?”, Rack asks.
“And here I thought it was just so you could bask in the warm glow of my fucking wonderful personality. Or that you actually cared about me as a real goddamn human”, I joshed.
“Ummm…yeah”, Rack replies, “There’s no way we can answer that without going on some Deadpool list. “
I agreed.
“OK, here’s the deal: you get your sidearms, ammunition, speed loaders, brass knuckles, Asp, laser range finders, Sap, Zeiss scopes, Kukri, Wisconsin Cheese Whittler, Buck folding skinner, Marine K-Bar, those two ultra-illegal Cheburkov Cobra titanium switchblades...”
“Three. Olga the KGB lady sent me one for Geologist’s Day.”
“Ahem. Those three ultra-illegal Cheburkov switchblades, that Wyoming Speedholer, your MASER Time-Distance Computer, garrote, pocket rail gun and whatever else lethal you carry and deposit it in the iron box in the trunk. We’ll ensure that it’s delivered to Esme post-haste. And by post-haste I mean one of our guys will deliver it personally.”
“Well…I suppose”, I conceded, “But best send someone who’s been to the house recently. I don’t know how much bigger Khan has grown since I left on this little fantasy trip. Wouldn’t want a star on the wall in Langley for someone eaten by a mastiff. Want to see a picture….Oh, bother. That’s right. My phone’s at the bottom of fucking Lake Maracaibo.”
“Good point”, Ruin interjects, “Guess we’ll do a little road trip and deliver it ourselves. Best call Esme and let her know what’s going on.”
“I have no objections to your proposals. Please give Esme this when you see her. I had some luck in the Calaveras Casino and if I don’t send her some mad money. Ouch. She’ll never forgive me for not taking her along to Japan.” I asked.
“But I thought Esme hated Japan? Too crowded and too ‘fussy’, I believe was her estimation.” Ruin asked.
“Yes, but once she saw the Ginza, all bets were off. Shopping the likes of which even Allah himself hasn’t seen.” I replied, slowly shaking my head.
“I see”, Ruin said, “Well, since you’re off to Sapporo, perhaps you can do a recon for Esme on the shopping there.”
“Not bad. Not bad at all.”, I smiled, “Now I know why I let you guys hang around with me.”
So, as advertised, I am now standing on the tarmac at LAX, basically feeling naked.
“Can’t I keep just one switchblade?” I moaned to Agent Rack.
“Go ahead, if you’re really keen on donating it to Japanese customs”, he replied.
“Fuckbuckets.” I groused.
“There, there now. That’s the usual Dr. Rocknocker of which we’re all so fond.” Agent Ruin chuckled.
“Remember, you do have that wallet-sized credit card gizmo from the Company. So you’re not entirely ‘naked’. Think of it as an emergency breechcloth.” He smiled.
“I’d like a larger model if you don’t mind. It’s chilly out here.” I joshed.
After Agents Rack and Ruin stripped me metaphorically naked as they de-weaponized me, they handed me a Business Class ticket to Tokyo, and a pass to the Japan Airlines Hospitality Suite and Lounge.
“So sorry you guys can’t hang around and have a few farewell snorts”, I chided, “But you’ve got a bit of a drive, so best be off before the weather turns to shit.”
“Who says we’re driving?” Agent Rack asked as he hooked a thumb over his shoulder at the ready and waiting C-130 cargo plane currently taxiing slowly in our direction.
“Well, in that case”, I smiled even more broadly, “Let’s invite the flight crew to join us. That’ll make the flight home all that much more interesting.”
After near tear-jerking farewell sentimentalities, i.e., “Piss on you”, “Get stuffed” and “Take a fuckin’ hike”; Agents Rack and Ruin, my weapons and the Agency’s plain-Jane Blue Chevy were all nestled snugger than buggers in ruggers in the belly of the thundering C-130.
Now truly on my own, I trudge the hundred thousand or so centisteps to my departure terminal, make a quick recon that my flight’s still slated to go in a generally westward direction, and hightail it to the nearest courtesy desk to ask for a motorized cart to take me and my remaining luggage to the JAL Hospitality Suite.
Hey. I’m old, infirm, and currently among the walking wounded.
Anyone that disagrees risks an Ankylosaur tail club swat or Thagomizer to the skull.
Finally ensconced in the JAL Hospitality Suite, Polo Lounge of course; I was drinking Tokyo Teas (3 oz. vodka, 2 oz. gin, 2 oz. rum, 1 oz. triple sec, 1 oz. Midori, good splash of lime juice, a slight splash of 7-Up (diet, of course), over ice with a lime wheel) with Pabst Blue Ribbon Extra 1844 chasers and Hangar One’s “Fog Point” vodka on the side, hiding from the brutish realities of this foul year of two thousand and twenty-something, Common Era…
I’ve already called Esme and we’ve had a good, long chat. She still managed to give me her shopping list for whenever I find myself bored on the Ginza.
She’ll be shocked when she learns that I’m not going to be in Tokyo long, but have 1st class tickets on the Bullet Train to Sapporo. Still, I’ll probably find myself in Pole Town or the Stellar Place there, trading piles of US greenbacks for locally produced Japanese curios and clothing.
I can hardly wait.
I order another round of drinks, as the wonderful attendants in the Hospitality Suite were bored out of their skulls because of the COVID-induced drop-in customers flying anywhere that requires a hospitality room stay, and I was virtually the only one around. They tried their level best to outdo each other when it comes to Japanese efficiency and friendliness.
After a couple of hours, they ask if I would like something from the grill, as the day chef had “the COVID” and the night chef just arrived. A quick perusal of the menu and I chose a 28-ounce dry-aged Porterhouse and another round of drinks.
I usually don’t like to eat too much before I fly, but JAL tells me the flight is going to be virtually empty, something like <121 pax, all told, so restroom availability shouldn’t be too much of a concern.
Plus, who am I to say no to a free, blue 28-ounce dry-aged Porterhouse?
There was a bit of difficulty conveying to the chef through the intermediaries of the hospitality just how I wanted my steak.
“Blue,” I said.
“Brue?” was the reply.
“Rare. Very, very rare.” I continued.
Look of total bewilderment.
I drag out my Personal Language Pro, speak “Steak, very, very rate” into the infernal gizmo, and hand the contraption to the attendant.
“珍しい、非常に珍しいステーキ?”[ Mezurashī, hijō ni mezurashī sutēki?]
“Raw! Nama!” I say, louder than need be.
They toddle off to find the chef.
“How is it sir, that you would like your steak cooked?” he asks.
“Very rare. Just a minute or two per side. Inside still cold.” I instructed.
All I got for the trouble was a puzzled smile.
“Give me the language gizmo…” I type in a few words…
“お尻を洗い、角をノックオフして、ここから出してください”
[O shiri o arai,-kaku o nokkuofu shite, koko kara dashite kudasai.]
“Wash its ass, knock its horns off, and walk it out here.”
“OH!” as the lightbulb pops. “Rare. Got it! Excellent!” the chef laughs and zips back to the kitchen.
Like I always say, I’m nothing if not the international ambassador of amity and goodwill.
“Crack tubes!”
Dinner was fantastic. I do wish I could have somehow mailed the Porterhouse bone back home for Khan. After that hambone incident, he might even taste it.
Finally on the plane, in an almost empty Business Class, the flight captain informs us that we’re headed to Haneda Airport Tokyo and anyone not headed in that direction better ‘haul ass off’ the flight or forever hold their peace.
Late-night international flights tend to be a bit more wooly than your average Chicago to Omaha gig.
Especially when the flight’s damn near empty and we have the next 12 hours or so to be best friends.
We taxi, turn and head into the wind. I’m doctoring up a couple of dossiers and keeping my personal cabin attendant, Luna since there were two of us in Business and two business flight attendants, busy with her trying to play ‘Stump the Geologist’.
“I’ll bet you never had this before.” She beamed and handed me a tumbler of very dangerous-looking brown liquor.
I cautiously sniff, take a modest gulp, swirl and glug the rest down.
“Ohishi Single Sherry Cask”, I say with a muffled belch. “Light. Fruity. An Englishman’s drink.”
“Oh. You knew. Let me try again.” She smiles beatifically.
“I have no objections to your proposal.” I smile as nicely as this crotchety old Komodo Dragon could.
She returns with another flagon of spirits; it smells of obsidian, leather, and earth.
I just had some of this back in LAX. I take a snort, smile, and shotgun the rest.
“Hibiki Japanese Harmony…lovely stuff.” I smile. “A little light for my jaded palate, but I’d never turn it down if it were free.”
“Oh, you win again. Wait. One more.” She smiles and skitters off to the galley.
She returns with another soupçon of some more dangerous brown liquor.
“Here, try this. It will make you very popular at social gatherings”. She smiles.
Sniff. “Splendid.” Snort. Swirl. Smile. Shotgun.
“Kanosuke New Born, if I’m not mistaken.” I smile back. “Very nice. I really do like this one.”
“You too good at this. One more!” she stands and stomps off defiantly. She returns in a trice and hands me the glass.
“Hmm…brown. Light notes of earth, leather, dating your daughter, and Kentucky…
“Beam Suntory, right?”
“You know them all!” she says, feigning irritation.
“And I thank you. Those were all excellent. Now, anything in the dangerous clear liquor category? I asked.
Luna smiled as I palmed off a 20k yen tip.
“Oh, no sir. Wait until we land.” She demurred, referring to the gratuity; which is know is not de rigueur in the Orient, but she didn’t seem to mind.
“Just in case we never make it to Tokyo”, I laughed, unknowingly presciently.
We both chuckled about that last line as she tried out various sakes and shōchūs and an actual Japanese ‘White Liquor’ (ホワイトリカー), which were all excellent as was the company.
I tell her that I need to get some work done and could she bring me a tall Rocknocker. After explain the origins and construction of the eponymous drink, she brings me one that must tip the scales at 1 or so liters.
She settles down to an empty seat and I get after the work that I need to finish before we land. I’m about ½ way through my drink when it felt as if the plane hit a brick wall. She quivered and quaked and clutched at herself while I made some comments about the pilot’s mental health.
We dropped like a paralyzed falcon, then just as suddenly, felt like it was an express elevator to Angel’s 11. The plane bucked and shimmied, wickedly. Then we slam-danced right and fell a few more stories. It was like we were in a Mixmaster and the owner was trying out every speed.
The emergency lights in the 777-300ER popped on, and the fasten seat belt sign barked loudly so even sleeping travelers could enjoy the show.
Rinse. Spin. Shudder. Repeat.
Finally, the ride smooths out and we hear the captain on the blower.
“This is your captain speaking…ah, we seem to have hit some uncharted turbulence back there.”
“Thanks, Captain Obvious”, I muttered.
“Everything’s A-OK. “ he reports.
“That’s good”, I note.
“But…”
“There’s always the but…” I groan.
“…we have a couple of warning lights for which we can’t quite account. So to just be safe and certain, we’re going to divert to Hawaii, get a clean bill of health and resume this flight once we make sure everything here is hunky-dory.”
There were scattered groans and applause. Add them together and divide by two and the average response on the flight was “Meh. Whatever.”
Except for the other guy in Business, with whom I hadn’t shared two words. He began to absolutely lose his shit.
“Oh, man! We’re so screwed! Mechanical malfunction? What does that mean?” he positively fizzed with fear.
The flight attendants tried to calm him down, to no avail. They basically gave up and said they’d report his misgivings to the Captain.
I motioned over to my personal flight attendant, Luna, and asked if I could be of service.
“Oh, Doctor Rock”, she smiled at me, “If you could speak with him. You are so calm, and he is…”
“Losing his bloody mind”, I chuckled as I finished her sentence for her. “Of course, I’ll take a stab at it.”
So, I grab my drink and ease over to my Business Class partner and introduce myself.
“Hey, pal. How’s it going? I’m Dr. Rock, gentleman, scholar, and connoisseur of cigars and things alcoholic. You doing OK?”
He looks at me with an ashen face and his eyes the size of bloodshot dinner plates.
“Yeah. I’m Todd Schotts. I’m flying to Japan for business.” He mumbles
“No surprise there,” I reply calmly and take a slug of my drink.
“But now we’re all going to die. The plane is busted and we’ll crash…” he started off again.
“So, Todd is it? Good. You drink?” I asked.
“Yeah?”, he stammered back.
I asked Luna to make us a fresh batch of my eponymous cocktails.
“OK, Todd, listen up”, I began after the drinks were served, “I have flown literally millions of miles over the last 4 decades. On Aeroflot when it was still the USSR. On TACA (Take A Chance Airways), on Chalk’s in the Caribbean, on Bob’s Verrifast Plane Company in Rhodesia, on regional carriers that don’t even exist anymore. All over the world. Had some bad experiences flying, and me ol’ mugger, this ain’t one of them. This is nothing more than the glitch for this mission.”
I chuckled lightly and complimented Luna on a fantastic drink.
“Yeah…yeah…yeah…but we have to land and check out some lights…” Todd squealed.
“Well now, Todd. It would be rather difficult to do any external assessment while in flight, don’t you agree?” I asked.
“But we’re diverting. We have to land and that adds more risk. We’re going to crash and die!” he was coming more and more unglued.
“I will bet you every cent you have on your person and home bank accounts that that will not happen”, I chuckled.
That took him by surprise. At least it shut him up for a while.
“Look, Todd. This is Boeing’s latest model. They have the most incredible safety record. And if a little clear air turbulence were to be knocking planes out of the sky, don’t you think we’d hear about it as the press went berserk?” I asked.
“But they don’t know what the lights mean! What if one of the engines’s out? How far can we fly on one engine?” Todd stuttered.
Having my fill of a supposedly grown man with inane childlike fears, I calmly replied,
“All the way to the crash site.”
He went white.
“...hope we hit something hard. I don’t want to limp away from this.”
He went limp.
Then I went to my seat and motioned for Luna to prepare a reload.
Of course, 45 minutes later, we land without incident at Daniel K. Inouye International Airport, Honolulu Hawaii.
We were told to just wait around until they figure out what the problem if any, was.
They had officials waiting at the end of the jetway to check our COVID status and passports before they let us loose in the terminal.
I asked Luna if she knew this airport. She noted that she did.
“Is there a JAL hospitality room here at this airport? I asked.
“Yes, Doctor. It’s the Sakura Lounge. It is located on the third level above The Local, Terminal 2.” She replied.
“Please notify whoever needs to know that that’s where I’ll be for the duration”, I smiled and handed her my business card. “See you soon, I hope.”
“Oh, Dr. Rock”, she replied, “I am sure it is nothing much. We’ll be back in the air within mere hours.”
“Well then”, I smiled, “Guess I’d better get ready to hoof it to the lounge.”
“Oh, Doctor Rock”, she smiled, “No rush. I will call for you a courtesy cart. You are injured, you are Business, you are priority.”
“I love that Asian efficiency.” I smiled back and toddled down the jetway.
At the terminus of the jetway, I show my COVID-clear papers, dates and times of my Anti-Virus vaccine administrations, the letter from Virginia clearing me of all detention, and my red Russian diplomatic passport.
While in the cart, whizzing our way to the JAL lounge, the driver said “Man! You must be some kind of VIP. You were through that welcoming committee in less than two minutes!”
“Me? Nah!”, I chuckled, “Just an old phart of a geologist that they didn’t want to mess with. Not on such a bright, sunny day as this.”
“I see you’re not wearing a mask.” The driver quipped.
“Very observant. There are reasons for that.” I replied.
He careens around a corner and if this were a normal pre-Covid day, I’m certain we’d have killed hundreds. However, the airport, as I’ve come to grow accustomed to, was virtually deserted.
“Yeah? Like what?” he asks.
“Well, Scooter, 1. I have an active and hardworking immune system that I let off the chain every once in a while for exercise. Got to let it know what it’s up against, right? 2. I’ve had all my shots and some that were experimental. They seem to have worked. And 3. I find it difficult to drink and smoke cigars while wearing a mask. However, if you’d prefer, I will mask up. No problem, though it still is optional.”
“Nah, man”, he said, “I was just wondering if you were one of those religious idiots or conspiracy nuts.”
Nope”, I smiled back, “Just another geologist out in the world plying his trade for cash. Y’know, whorin’ around for money.”
He laughs aloud as we skid to a stop right in front of Lounge.
I slip the guy a $20 and ask if he’d listen for the JAL flight I was just on. If we’re going on ahead today, I’d need him to scoot by and putt-putt me back to the plane.
He laughs and pockets the $20 as quick as a mink ruts.
“No worries. I’ll just hang around this area. I hear anything about the flight, I’ll come and let you know.” He grins.
“Good man”, I say, as I hand him my card. “I’m Dr. Rocknocker. Call me Rock”.
“And I’m Kapula Mano, call me Kap” he replies.
“Good man”, I say again, “Hope to see you in a while.”
He grins, floors his electric cart, and peels out at speeds approaching 4.5 MPH.
I wander into the lounge, show my credentials, and am escorted to a post up on Mahogany Ridge.
The bar is very quiet. Besides the bartender, I can’t see anyone else in the darkened and Smooth Jazz-infused drinking emporium.
I order a local drink, a Mai Tai, just for the experience and something a bit different.
It’s served in a goldfish bowl on a stem, bedecked with a slice of lime, a sprig of mint, a stick of sugar cane, a polychromatic orchid, and the obligate paper umbrella.
“Ah. Mai Tai. I will enjoy it.” I said to no one in particular.
One was enough, and I decided to go back to the old standard. Once I explained to the bartender what that was, he made them heroic and enthusiastically.
I’m reading up on a random dossier, making notes in a new file, and puffing away on a Fuentes Onyx double Maduro Churchill cigar.
I hear a slight cough coming from my right, and this here lovely lady, she sat to my immediate starboard and looked at me semi-quizzically.
Not in the mood for shenanigans of any stripe, I give her the obligate Baja Canada nod and tilt of the drink. I return to my dossiers and continue to read and take notes.
“Excuse me!” I hear.
Fearing the worst, either the woman is Karen-oid anti-smoking or a religious fruit-and-nutburger, I slowly turn to face her and reply, somewhat glacially, I have to admit.
“What?”
“That cigar…”
“Here we go…” I mutter, eyes rolling northward.
“Smells exquisite. Could you tell me the brand? My husband would enjoy some like that.” She notes.
Instantly my demeanor switches 180^0.
“Yes, ma’am. It’s an Arturo Fuentes Onyx. Churchill size, or 60 ring x 7” length, double Maduro. Here, take one for your husband. I have an ample supply.” I smile.
“Oh, no. I couldn’t. Could I?” she asks.
“Please. I insist.” I smile the best I could given the circumstances.
“Thank you. You’re too kind…umm…Mr….?”
“Doctor. Doctor Rocknocker. World traveler, oilman, and international ambassador of amity, good drinks, and fine cigars. Call me Rock” I said.
“Oh! A Doctor?” she brightens.
“Yes, of Petroleum Geology and Engineering. Not medicine.” I chuckle.
She chuckles back.
“And I am Hella Aaberg”, as she offers her hand for a quick shake.
“Interesting name, Hella. Scandinavian or Old German heritage?” I ask.
“On my father’s side. He’s Finnish.” She replies.
“But I’ll wager your mother is not Scandinavian, correct?” I ask.
“She was from Truk, an island…”
“In the South Pacific, Micronesia. Was she from Weno city?” I asked.
“Why yes. How could you possibly know that?” she asked.
“Oh, I’ve been there. Great diving amongst the WWII wrecks. I think it’s actually called ‘Chuuk Lagoon’ or something like that now.” I said.
“That’s right! Amazing. Where else have you been?” she asked.
“Anywhere there’s oil, strife, booze, cigars, heavy explosives and typically long distances from whatever most normal people call civilization,” I replied with a chuckle.
Suddenly, I hear a voice booming out behind me.
“Why don’t you save that rapier-like wit for those musky-fuckers back home, Rocko?”
My expression changes. My eyes pop fully wide open.
“Hella?” I asked.
“Yes?”
“May I ask you a favor?”
“You can ask…”
“Thank you. Now, looking over my shoulder, is there a hulking goon of a person, thin up top, paunchy halfway down with the most ridiculously tiny sized shoes you’ve ever seen for a so-called grown man?” I ask.
“Yes. Yes, there is.” She replies.
“I thought so. Many thanks.”
I spin and launch off my barstool and grab Toivo by the hand. He hadn’t seen my left-hand Thagomizer yet.
“Toivo! You old sumbitch. What the flying fennec fox fuck are you, of all people, doing in Hawaii?” I laughed.
“Just keeping an eye on you, Rock!” he laughed equally as loud.
“No, fucking-A, seriously. What the actual fuck? What are you doing in this actual nice place?” I asked.
“Just headed to Tokyo to conduct a bit of service company business. I walked into the lounge and smelled a foul cigar. I figured it can’t be the venerable Dr. Rocknocker. He’s back at some school up north terrorizing geology and engineering grads and undergrads.” Toivo laughed.
“But there I was. Surprise!”, I laughed and pumped his hand.
“What the fuck, Rock. Now what did you do?” he asks, referring to my Ankylosaur tail club left hand.
“Ah, fuck. Long story. Oh, pardon me. Toivo, this is Hella. We were just talking about the South Seas Islands.” I said.
“Planning on running off together?” Toivo laughs, to the amusement of neither party.
“Oh, and this idiot is Toivo, a man with a congenital foot-in-mouth disorder. He’s mostly harmless.” I noted to Hella.
Greetings were shared all around. Hella made some small excuses and said she needed to depart. I gave her another cigar for her husband, shook her hand, and wished her well.
“Here’s my business card. If your husband has any questions, have him drop me a line.” I noted.
Hella smiled beautifully. She said she would. Then she thanked me shook our hands, and like that, there she was, gone.
“Well Toivo, you old bastard. Don't just stand there in the doorway like some lonesome goddamn mouse shit sheepherder, get your ass over here and have a drink.” I motioned over to my perch on Mahogany Ridge.
“Don’t mind if I do”, he says as he deftly winds his way to a seat to my left, snagging a cigar out of my pocket on the way over.
“You might want these”, I say in an exasperated tone, and hand him my gold Dunhill Hobnail lighter and V-cutter gizmo.
He cuts and fires up his heater.
“What you drinkin’, Rock”, he asks.
“Anything with alcohol, as usual. You know that Toiv.” I reply.
“No. I mean right now.” He clarifies.
“Well, I had a Mai Tai. Very nice if you like fruity, flowery drinks. It’s the locals’ favorite.” I reply.
“Sounds good. I’ll have several. And you?” Toivo asks.
“My usual. The bartender is already apprised of the situation.” I reply.
Toivo smiles the smile of one knowing his sobriety is going to be taken out for a swim. Hell, taken out and tossed into the deep end.
Toivo and I sit there, swapping lies, smoking cigars and sipping at our toddies.
Hell, Toivo was slurping them like a sump-pump during an extra-wet summer.
We chattered about family, work, whether or not Tokyo was going to host the Olympics or if the COVID-boogie man scared everyone off.
Toivo, always one afflicted with TB (“Tiny Bladder”) got up to go to the loo for the third time that hour. He left his pocket organizer on the bar and I swear on a stack of Origins of Species, I didn’t touch it.
I reached over to his vacated seat to retrieve my cigar lighter when I looked down and saw in his organizer a tab that reads “Rack & Ruin”.
“Oh. No. Fucking. Way.” I recoiled as I’d just reached out and petted a 6-foot hungover scorpion.
“One of my best friends? Secretly allied with the Agency? No. Not possible.” I drained my drink and called for another.
“No. No. No. It can’t be. No. No fucking way…” as doubt began to dissolve when I thought back to all those times I had just ‘run into’ Toivo.
“But he’s oil patch as well. That could be chalked up to coincidence.” I ruminated quizzically in my brain.
I quickly reflected back on J.M. Darhower: “Yes, you see, there’s no such thing as coincidence. There are no accidents in life. Everything that happens is the result of a calculated move that leads us to where we are.”
She may be the author of the execrable New Adult Sempre series, which Esme likes and I loathe, but she might just be right on this occasion.
Toivo return, lighter in the bladder and good sense. He never even noticed he’d left his organizer out in broad bar light for all to see.
“So, Toivo, when’s your flight?” I ask.
“Oh, man. Was I lucky. The JAL flight to Tokyo from Los Angeles had mechanical trouble and had to divert here. I got a ticket on the plane for that flight, when it continues.
“You mean ‘if it continues’,” I replied.
“Yeah. Yeah. That’s what I meant. Hey! Was that your flight?” he asks innocently. He’s really innocent of fieldcraft.
I decide to have some fun at my old friend’s expense.
“Yep. Hit some CAT (Clear Air Turbulence) and the JAL pilots reported some lighting problem. No apparent ruin to any of the systems. They relay racked their brains to figure it out, but they couldn’t that’s why I here.” I said, waiting for the words to swim upstream in Toivo’s coconut and make some sort of connection.
“Yeah. Double lucky. No problem with the plane and I get to go to Japan early.” Toivo crookedly grins.
“So, no trouble with the plane? Then why haven’t I heard that the flight’s going to resume?” I asked as I pushed a fresh, seriously strong drink to Toivo.
“Oh, must have heard it in the john.” Toivo countered and tried to cover his tracks by taking a huge gulp of his drink and damn near dying coughing.
I pound on Toivo’s back.
“Heimlich time?” I ask.
Toivo signals ‘no’.
“Jesus Christ, Rock. What was that?” he asks.
“Just my usual”, I innocently replied.
“Holy fuck. No wonder you have the reputation of…” Toivo realizes too late that he’s said too much.
“Yeah. They can rack you out. Really ruin a person if they’re not careful.” I reply icily.
“Why, Rock. Whatever do you mean?” Toivo slurred as he realized he’s been caught out.
“The jig is up, you turncoat. You know Agents Rack and Ruin from the agency. Right? You keeping tabs on me for them? You Quisling! You Benedict Arnold!” I almost was on the verge of losing my cool.
“It was nothing. They approached me years ago as I kept being mentioned in your reports. They asked me for some information. One thing leads to another…” Toivo was ready for an Ankylosaur tail club swat to the bean.
“Oh, put your fucking hands down, you asshole.” I smiled and chuckled.
“You’re not mad?” Toivo slurred badly. I had the bartender make him another special drink.
“No, Toivo. Not mad. Just disappointed.” I said, smiling like a Komodo Dragon just finishing up a fortnight-old wildebeest.
Toivo sat there and puzzled and puzzled until his puzzler was sore.
“You’re not going to kill me or anything rude like that?” Toivo asked, half-assedly trying to inject humor into the proceedings.
“Nah. The paperwork’s too ridiculous for me to do another liberation. But, Jesus Fucking Christwagons, Toivo; you could have mentioned it to me. Fuck, I thought we were friends to the end?” I said, dejectedly.
I was really getting through to Toivo. I could tell he was loaded; feeling like shit and massively deplorable.
Great fieldcraft, indeed.
I told him things “are what they are” and that I won’t blow his cover nor his honorarium.
He began to feel better. I often wonder if he was serious about the sanctioning thing.
Then I delivered the strategic missile strike.
“Just remember, Toivo. I wrote your dossier for the Company…”
He swivels to look at me.
“And one for the KGB. Olga says ‘howdy’.” I grin evilly.
Toivo short-circuited at that. Russia is his company’s bread and butter. Now he has the KGB as well as his best buddy looking over his shoulder at every move.
I bought him a few more drinks and continued to needle him about his ’leading a double life’. He was well and truly fuckered when the electric tap-tap driver from before came looking for me to whisk me back to the plane.
Seems it was simply some knocked-out wires on the plane, or slammed bulbs that were generating a false positive, indicating something other than the system that alerts one to something haywire went haywire.
Toivo was pretty much down for the count. I got him sober enough to hand them his ticket and ensure that he was really supposed to be on this flight. Thing was; h e was in Economy, and I was, as always, in Business.
I spoke to Luna, and the plane was going to be even less crowded than previously because some folks could or wouldn’t wait, or didn’t want to go on with the rest of the trip on a ‘damaged’ aircraft, or were just stupid and superstitious.
“Luna, could I pay for the difference between Business and Economy for my less than 100% conscious friend here? He’s had a rough day.” I asked.
“Dr. Rock. Just put him into Business. No one will be the wiser. Luna says so.” As she gave us a grand smile.
“Luna, I owe you. Thanks so much.” I said.
“Now get on board. Your friend looks like he needs all the downtime he can get.”
“Yes, ma’am!” I said and saluted here be best I could which dragging a schnozzled Toivo down the jetway.
I dumped Toivo in a window seat well away from my seat. I know Toivo. He snores like a semi-load of live hogs rocketing downhill locking up the brakes at 88 MPH.
Surprise! There was no one else in Business. Luna looked at me, at Toivo, and gave me a thumbs up.
Whatever I can write to further her career at JAL, she’ll have it before I deplane.
We finally get everyone settled, and with Captain Kangaroo at the helm, we bounced gracelessly off the tarmac, into the warm, tropical Hawaiian air, finally headed for the Land of the Rising Sun.
Toivo was snoring like a chainsaw hitting rusty nails as I worked on the various letters, communiques, and dossiers which needed updating before we reached touchdown. I gave Luna a thick letter with instructions not to open it until we were on the ground and Toivo and I were well off and away into the terminal.
We left Hawaii at 1300 hours, so we should arrive at Tokyo Nareda around 4:00 pm, the previous day. I was so bereft of time and time zones, I couldn’t figure out what time it really was, as judged by my biometric rhythms, so I asked Luna for a stiff drink as I was kicking off my boots and going to attempt to get some kip.
She brought me another liter or so eponymous drink. I was sawing logs by the time I slurped the last swig of that nifty drink.
Suddenly, or later, I have no idea really, some loudmouth drunk asshole from way-the-fuck-back in economy-land toward the ass end of the plane staggered into Business demanding free drinks.
Luna was nothing but civil, and asked him to both shut up and return to his seat. His air cabin hostess, or whatever the fuck they’re calling them these days, will attend to his needs.
“Naw they won’t! They want me to pay for more drinks! I’m broke but I demand more booze! You fucking owe me.” railed the asshole. “I sat at the bar in Hawaii for four hours. Them fuckers charged me an arm and a leg!”
“No, they don’t owe you shit”, I said in a voice that unmistakably loud and clear.
“Fuck you, old man! You stay the fuck out of this!” he bellowed. “Shut up or I’ll do ya’!”
“’Old man’? ‘Do me’? Excuse me. Luna, may I have a word alone with this individual?” I asked sweetly.
Luna shook her head in the affirmative, and I stood up to confront this flagrant asshole.
“Now look, Scooter. You have gone way, way over the fucking line. You are loud. You are abusive. You are obnoxious. And you stink. Plus you insulted a person who is just barely containing his righteous wrath right now. So, I’m giving you one and one only chance to shut up, sit back down before your body spontaneously develops all sort of bruises, contusions, broken bones, and unconsciousness.” I said calmly, evenly, and threateningly.
“What da’ fuck you think you’re going to do…old man?” he screeched, trying to inflate himself into full mammalian threat posture, all 5’ 9” of it.
He didn’t notice Toivo walking up quietly behind him, as Toivo was returning from the head, quiet as a moose.
“Well, Scooter, I am an Air Marshall. Duly appointed, fully trained, and properly pissed off. Right now, I can arrest you, physically detain you, turn this flight around and take you to the Hawaiian police, at your cost for the inconvenience of the entire flight. Or I could arrest you, physically detain you, and turn you over to the Japanese authorities when we land. It’s really your choice. Choose wisely.”
To be continued…⇝

Best Run in terms of anything
Audrey Hepburn: Breakfast at Tiffany's, Charade, The Children's Hour, Paris When It Sizzles, My Fair Lady, Wait Until Dark, The Unforgiven, How to Steal a Million, and Two for the Road.
Natalie Wood: Splendor in the Grass, West Side Story, Gypsy, Love with the Proper Stranger, Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice, All the Fine Young Cannibals, Cash McCall, Penelope, This Property Is Condemned, Sex and the Single Girl, The Great Race, and Inside Daisy Clover.
Julie Andrews: Mary Poppins, The Sound of Music, The Americanization of Emily, Thoroughly Modern Millie, Hawaii, Torn Curtain, Star!, and Think Twentieth.
Bette Davis: Pocketful of Miracles, What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?, The Nanny, Hush...Hush, Sweet Charlotte, Dead Ringer, The Empty Canvas, The Anniversary, and Where Love Has Gone.
Monica Vitti: L'Avventura, Follie d'estate, La Notte, Three Fables of Love, L'Eclisse, Sex Quartet, I Married You for Fun, The Girl with the Pistol, Kill Me Quick, I'm Cold, On My Way to the Crusades, I Met a Girl Who..., Help Me, My Love, The Scarlet Lady, Red Desert, Le bambole, Il disco volante, Modesty Blaise, High Infidelity, Nutty, Naughty Chateau, and Sweet and Sour.
Liv Ullmann: Persona, Kort är sommaren, Tonny, Smeltedigelen, En hyggelig fyr, Onkel Vanja, Måken, De kalte ham Skarven, Cocktailselskapet, Hour of the Wolf, An-Magritt, The Passion of Anna, and Shame.
Catherine Deneuve: The Umbrellas of Cherbourg, Repulsion, Belle de Jour, Les Petits Chats, L'Homme à femmes, Les Portes claquent, Ça c'est la vie, And Satan Calls the Turns, Tales of Paris, Portuguese Vacation, Vice and Virtue, The Young Girls of Rochefort, Who Wants to Sleep?, Le Chant du monde, The World's Most Beautiful Swindlers, La costanza della ragione, Male Companion, Male Hunt, Manon 70, La Chamade, Benjamin, Mayerling, The April Fools, A Matter of Resistance, Mississippi Mermaid, Tout peut arriver, and Les Créatures.
Julie Christie: Darling, Doctor Zhivago, Fahrenheit 451, Petulia, Far from the Madding Crowd, Billy Liar, Crooks Anonymous, The Fast Lady, Young Cassidy, and In Search of Gregory.
Rita Moreno: West Side Story, Popi, This Rebel Breed, The Night of the Following Day, Marlowe, Summer and Smoke, and Cry of Battle.
Judy Garland: Judgment at Nuremberg, I Could Go On Singing, Pepe, A Child Is Waiting, and Gay Purr-ee.
Joan Crawford: What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?, Strait-Jacket, The Caretakers, The Karate Killers, Berserk!, and I Saw What You Did.
Nora Ricci: The Birds, the Bees and the Italians, A Very Private Affair, Giuseppe Verdi, The Shortest Day, La fiera della vanità, The Witches, The Damned, Metti, una sera a cena, and The Libertine.
Pamela Tiffin: Summer and Smoke, One, Two, Three, The Pleasure Seekers, For Those Who Think Young, Come Fly with Me, The Lively Set, and State Fair.
Claudia Cardinale: 8 1/2, The Leopard, Rocco and His Brothers, Girl with a Suitcase, Cartouche, The Pink Panther, Once Upon a Time in the West, The Hell with Heroes, Blindfold, The Professionals, Lost Command, Don't Make Waves, The Day of the Owl, Il bell'Antonio, Austerlitz, The Lovemakers, The Lions Are Loose, Auguste, Careless, La ragazza di Bube, Time of Indifference, Circus World, The Magnificent Cuckold, Sandra, The Conspirators, A Fine Pair, Diary of a Telephone Operator, and The Red Tent.
Anouk Aimée: 8 1/2, La Dolce Vita, Lola, Justine, A Man and a Woman, The Last Judgment, The Joker, The Shortest Day, White Voices, Justine, The Appointment, Model Shop, La fuga, Sodom and Gomorrah, One Night... A Train, and The Dreamer.
Sandra Milo: 8½, Juliet of the Spirits, La visita, Méfiez-vous, mesdames, Ghosts of Rome, Weekend, Italian Style, Premio Nobel, Trusting Is Good... Shooting Is Better, Beautiful Families, The Strange Night, Classe Tous Risques, Adua and Her Friends, and Vanina Vanini.
Coral Browne: The Killing of Sister George, Dr. Crippen, The Roman Spring of Mrs. Stone, The Legend of Lylah Clare, Tamahine, The Night of the Generals, and Go to Blazes.
Rita Tushingham: Doctor Zhivago, Smashing Time, A Taste of Honey, The Leather Boys, The Knack ...and How to Get It, Girl with Green Eyes, A Place to Go, The Guru, The Trap, The Bed Sitting Room, and Diamonds for Breakfast.
Deborah Kerr: The Innocents, The Sundowners, The Grass Is Greener, The Night of the Iguana, Marriage on the Rocks, The Chalk Garden, The Naked Edge, Casino Royale, The Gypsy Moths, Eye of the Devil, The Arrangement, and Prudence and the Pill.
Ava Gardner: Mayerling, The Night of the Iguana, 55 Days at Peking, Seven Days in May, The Bible: In the Beginning..., and The Angel Wore Red.
Debbie Reynolds: How the West Was Won, Divorce American Style, The Singing Nun, The Unsinkable Molly Brown, The Rat Race, Pepe, The Pleasure of His Company, The Second Time Around, Debbie Reynolds and the Sound of Children, How Sweet It Is!, Mary, Mary, Goodbye Charlie, and My Six Loves.
Hermione Baddeley: Mary Poppins, Marriage on the Rocks, Harlow, The Adventures of Bullwhip Griffin, The Unsinkable Molly Brown, Rag Doll, Midnight Lace, Information Received, Let's Get Married, The Happiest Millionaire, and Do Not Disturb.
Virna Lisi: How to Murder Your Wife, Not with My Wife, You Don't!, The Secret of Santa Vittoria, Un militare e mezzo, Sua Eccellenza si fermò a mangiare, 5 marines per 100 ragazze, Eva, The Shortest Day, Don't Tempt the Devil, Duel of the Titans, Le bambole, The Black Tulip, Coplan Takes Risks, The 25th Hour, A Maiden for a Prince, Assault on a Queen, Made in Italy, Casanova 70, The Possessed, Kiss the Other Sheik, The Girl Who Couldn't Say No,Arabella, The Girl and the General, If It's Tuesday, This Must Be Belgium, The Christmas Tree, Anyone Can Play, and Better a Widow.
Liza Minnelli: The Odd Couple, The Sterile Cuckoo, and Charlie Bubbles.
Marilyn Monroe: Let's Make Love and The Misfits.
Shirley MacLaine: The Children's Hour, The Apartment, Two for the Seesaw, Irma la Douce, Sweet Charity, Ocean's 11, Can-Can, Gambit, The Bliss of Mrs. Blossom, John Goldfarb, Please Come Home!, What a Way to Go!, Woman Times Seven, The Yellow Rolls-Royce, My Geisha, All in a Night's Work, and Two Loves.
Suzy Kendall: 30 Is a Dangerous Age, Cynthia, To Sir, with Love, The Penthouse, Thunderball, The Liquidator, Circus of Fear, Up Jumped a Swagman, Up the Junction, The Sandwich Man, and Fräulein Doktor.
Angie Dickinson: Ocean's 11, The Sins of Rachel Cade, Captain Newman, M.D., Point Blank, The Killers, Jessica, The Art of Love, I'll Give My Life, The Bramble Bush, A Fever in the Blood, The Chase, The Poppy Is Also a Flower, Cast a Giant Shadow, Some Kind of a Nut, Sam Whiskey, The Last Challenge, Young Billy Young, and Rome Adventure.
Eva Marie Saint: Exodus, The Russians Are Coming, the Russians Are Coming, Grand Prix, The Sandpiper, All Fall Down, 36 Hours, and The Stalking Moon.
Anne Bancroft: The Miracle Worker, The Graduate, The Pumpkin Eater, The Slender Thread, and 7 Women.
Patricia Neal: Hud, Breakfast at Tiffany's, The Subject Was Roses, In Harm's Way, and Psyche 59.
Sue Lyon: The Night of the Iguana, Lolita, 7 Women, Tony Rome, Arsenic and Old Lace, Four Rode Out, and The Flim-Flam Man.
Ann-Margret: The Pleasure Seekers, State Fair, Bye Bye Birdie, The Cincinnati Kid, Viva Las Vegas, Stagecoach, Rebus, The Prophet, Seven Men and One Brain, The Tiger and the Pussycat, Murderers' Row, The Swinger, Bus Riley's Back in Town, Made in Paris, Once a Thief, Pocketful of Miracles, and Kitten with a Whip.
Flora Robson: 55 Days at Peking, Murder at the Gallop, Cry in the Wind, 7 Women, The Shuttered Room, Eye of the Devil, Those Magnificent Men in their Flying Machines, Guns at Batasi, and Young Cassidy.
Elizabeth Taylor: The Sandpiper, Scent of Mystery, The V.I.P.s, Cleopatra, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, BUtterfield 8, Reflections in a Golden Eye, Boom!, Secret Ceremony, Anne of the Thousand Days, The Comedians, Doctor Faustus, and The Taming of the Shrew.
Lee Remick: Days of Wine and Roses, Wild River, The Detective, Sanctuary, Experiment in Terror, Hard Contract, No Way to Treat a Lady, The Hallelujah Trail, Baby the Rain Must Fall, The Running Man, and The Wheeler Dealers.
Angela Lansbury: The Manchurian Candidate, The Dark at the Top of the Stairs, A Breath of Scandal, Blue Hawaii, Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, All Fall Down, Dear Heart, In the Cool of the Day, The World of Henry Orient, Harlow, The Greatest Story Ever Told, Mister Buddwing, and The Amorous Adventures of Moll Flanders.
Janet Leigh: Psycho, The Manchurian Candidate, Harper, Bye Bye Birdie, Pepe, Wives and Lovers, Kid Rodelo, Who Was That Lady?, Hello Down There, American Dream, Three on a Couch, and Grand Slam.
Vera Miles: Psycho, The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, Follow Me, Boys!, Sergeant Ryker, Mission Batangas, Kona Coast, The Green Berets, Hellfighters, One of Our Spies Is Missing, Gentle Giant, The Spirit Is Willing, Back Street, Five Branded Women, The Lawbreakers, It Takes All Kinds, Those Calloways, and A Tiger Walks.
Maria Grazia Buccella:I Married You for Fun, Giacomo Casanova: Childhood and Adolescence, Sissignore, It's Your Move, Where Are You Going All Naked?, Domani non siamo pià qui, Villa Rides, A Maiden for a Prince, After the Fox, Pleasant Nights, Dead Run, L'armata Brancaleone, The Dirty Game, Man from Cocody, La donna degli altri è sempre più bella, Siamo tutti pomicioni, Canzoni in bikini, Adultery Italian Style, Up and Down, Up and Down, Menage all'italiana, La strada dei giganti, Nerone '71, Il Boom, The Fall of Rome, Il Gaucho, The Night They Killed Rasputin, and Fountain of Trevi.
Bibi Andersson: Persona, The Passion of Anna, Bröllopsdagen, The Girls, Tænk på et tal, Le Viol, Blow Hot, Blow Cold, Pardon, Are You For or Against?,Pan, All These Women, Karneval, The Devil's Eye, The Pleasure Garden, Square of Violence, The Mistress, Ön, Duel at Diablo, My Sister, My Love, and About Love.
Ingrid Thulin: Hour of the Wolf, The Judge, Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Sekstet, The Damned, O.K. Yevtushenko, The Rite, Domani non siamo più qui, Adélaïde, Calda e... infedele, Badarna, Games of Desire, Winter Light, Return from the Ashes, The Silence, Night Games, and Agostino.
Jane Fonda: In the Cool of the Day, The Chase, Tall Story, Period of Adjustment, The Chapman Report, Walk on the Wild Side, Barbarella, Hurry Sundown, Barefoot in the Park, Cat Ballou, Sunday in New York, Circle of Love, Joy House, They Shoot Horses, Don't They?, Spirits of the Dead, The Game Is Over, and Any Wednesday.
Katharine Hepburn: Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, Long Day's Journey into Night, The Madwoman of Chaillot, and The Lion in Winter.
Jeanne Moreau: Jules and Jim, La Notte, Seven Days... Seven Nights, Viva Maria!, Eva, Five Branded Women, The Yellow Rolls-Royce, Chimes at Midnight, A Woman Is a Woman, The Trial, Dialogue with the Carmelites, The Victors, The Fire Within, Bay of Angels, The Train, Banana Peel, The Oldest Profession, Le Corps de Diane, The Bride Wore Black, Great Catherine, The Sailor from Gibraltar, The Immortal Story, Mademoiselle, Diary of a Chambermaid, and Mata Hari, Agent H21.
Faye Dunaway: The Arrangement, Hurry Sundown, The Happening, Bonnie and Clyde, The Thomas Crown Affair, A Place for Lovers, and The Extraordinary Seaman.
Geneviève Page: Mayerling, Belle de Jour, El Cid, Grand Prix, Three Rooms in Manhattan, Song Without End, Corsaires et Flibustiers, Le Majordome, Tender Scoundrel, The Day and the Hour, Youngblood Hawke, The Reluctant Spy, Decline and Fall... of a Birdwatcher, and A Talent for Loving.
Brigitte Bardot: A Very Private Affair, Affaire d'une nuit, La Vérité, Testament of Orpheus, Viva Maria!, Une ravissante idiote, Shalako, Les Femmes, Spirits of the Dead, Masculin Féminin, Two Weeks in September, Dear Brigitte, Contempt, Love on a Pillow, Marie Soleil, Please, Not Now!, and Famous Love Affairs.
Jean Seberg: Breathless, Lilith, Paint Your Wagon, Moment to Moment, A Fine Madness, The World's Most Beautiful Swindlers, Diamonds Are Brittle, Backfire, The Girls, The Road to Corinth, Birds in Peru, Pendulum, Line of Demarcation, The Looters, Let No Man Write My Epitaph, Congo vivo, Time Out for Love, In the French Style, Five Day Lover, and Love Play.
Tippi Hedren: The Birds, Marnie, and A Countess from Hong Kong.
Sophia Loren: Two Women, Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow, Marriage Italian Style, Lady L, A Countess from Hong Kong, Judith, Arabesque, More Than a Miracle, Ghosts – Italian Style, The Fall of the Roman Empire, Operation Crossbow, El Cid, Five Miles to Midnight, Boccaccio '70, The Condemned of Altona, Madame, Heller in Pink Tights, It Started in Naples, A Breath of Scandal, The and Millionairess.
Maggie Smith: Go to Blazes, Young Cassidy, The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie, The V.I.P.s, Othello, The Pumpkin Eater, Hot Millions, Oh! What a Lovely War, and The Honey Pot.
Vanessa Redgrave: Oh! What a Lovely War, Morgan – A Suitable Case for Treatment, Camelot, Isadora, The Charge of the Light Brigade, A Man for All Seasons, Blowup, The Sea Gull, and A Quiet Place in the Country.
Doris Day: Do Not Disturb, Midnight Lace, Send Me No Flowers, Lover Come Back, That Touch of Mink, The Thrill of It All, The Glass Bottom Boat, The Ballad of Josie, With Six You Get Eggroll, Caprice, Where Were You When the Lights Went Out?, Please Don't Eat the Daisies, Move Over, Darling, and Billy Rose's Jumbo.
Mia Farrow: Secret Ceremony, Guns at Batasi, John and Mary, Rosemary's Baby, and A Dandy in Aspic.
Suzanne Pleshette: The Birds, Rome Adventure, 40 Pounds of Trouble, If It's Tuesday, This Must Be Belgium, The Adventures of Bullwhip Griffin, The Power, Target: Harry, Mister Buddwing, Youngblood Hawke, A Distant Trumpet, Fate Is the Hunter, Wall of Noise, The Ugly Dachshund, Blackbeard's Ghost, Nevada Smith, and A Rage to Live.
Shelley Winters: A Patch of Blue, Lolita, Alfie, Harper, The Greatest Story Ever Told, The Three Sisters, Let No Man Write My Epitaph, The Chapman Report, The Young Savages, Wives and Lovers, Time of Indifference, A House Is Not a Home, The Balcony, Arthur? Arthur!, Wild in the Streets, Enter Laughing, Buona Sera, Mrs. Campbell, The Mad Room, and The Scalphunters.
Anna Karina: A Woman Is a Woman, Le petit soldat, Bande à part, My Life to Live, Alphaville, Pierrot le Fou, Sweet and Sour, Lamiel, The Oldest Profession, Anna, Made in U.S.A, The Nun, Zärtliche Haie, Justine, Dämonische Leinwand, Before Winter Comes, The Stranger, Laughter in the Dark, Man on Horseback, The Magus, Circle of Love, Cléo from 5 to 7, Sun in Your Eyes, She'll Have to Go, Tonight or Never, All About Loving, Shéhérazade, The Camp Followers, Un mari à prix fixe, and The Thief of Tibidabo.
Anika Ekberg: La Dolce Vita, Le tre eccetera del colonnello, Anonima cocottes, Who Wants to Sleep?, Bianco, rosso, giallo, rosa, The Cobra, Pardon, Are You For or Against?, Crónica de un atraco, Un sudario a la medida, Death Knocks Twice, Malenka, Woman Times Seven, The Glass Sphinx, How I Learned to Love Women, Way...Way Out, The Alphabet Murders, Boccaccio '70, Call Me Bwana, 4 for Texas, The Mongols, Behind Closed Doors, The Dam on the Yellow River, and If It's Tuesday, This Must Be Belgium.
Geraldine Page: The Three Sisters, You're a Big Boy Now, Sweet Bird of Youth, Trilogy, The Happiest Millionaire, Dear Heart, Summer and Smoke, Toys in the Attic, What Ever Happened to Aunt Alice?, and Monday's Child.
Joanne Woodward: A Fine Madness, Rachel, Rachel, Winning, Signpost to Murder, The Fugitive Kind, Paris Blues, From the Terrace, A Big Hand for the Little Lady, The Stripper, and A New Kind of Love.
Mariko Okada: Eros + Massacre, A Story Written on Water, Illusion of Blood, Woman of the Lake, An Autumn Afternoon, The Scent of Incense, Akitsu Springs, and Late Autumn.
Barbra Streisand: Hello, Dolly! and Funny Girl.

the cosmopolitan six thousand five hundred dollar bank the bonus live play tonight last night you guys wanted some mighty cash i found you a mighty cash double up look at those numbers that we're working with same format last night we do 500 tickets however some of my tickets are a thousand bucks they're just easier that way so i'll have to do some uh thinking and uh math but i get kerry here to help me out and i got all my lovely and fans so ticket starts at a thousand dollars so we're not gonna go below 500 guys so this one should be pretty easy max volume bank the bonus live play 13.50 a spin [Music] mighty cash double up let's see this haywire five or more for the bonus [Music] mr classic tv says punky power thank you mr classic tv oh yeah mr classic tv i think you won one of those blenders or um mixers but i need to get your address so send me an email or message me on facebook so i know jimmy d won the other mixer but i'm pretty sure you are the other winner so i want to get that sent out to you yes haywire we got something big oh 45 bucks good ones big one oh i couldn't drop like the maxi because it doubles up [Music] wait there we go [Music] and carrie we trust so we're gonna have him hit the button all right gary [Music] wow that's huge let's keep getting these red ones yes this is not bad red [Music] that wasn't a good spin but if your first two are pretty solid so i forgive you [Music] yolanda rory love you bry mighty cash is the best i love you too yolanda hopefully it will come to new york here soon yeah this is a decent oh yolanda which one do i pick yolanda's picking guys left right middle if yolanda's in here we'll give her a first chance to pick one two or three your left middle right yolanda i'm gonna wait for her i am i'm in plenty of time [Music] i'm a no hurry this is a nice little bonus yolanda gets to pick [Music] leland assistant too all right here it is shoot that's fine all right let's do it anything filled up down there okay extra 13.50 [Music] yes too bad we couldn't fill that up this is not a bad little hit i'll do some ticket math later on because uh i had a thousand dollar ticket but a good start yesterday we started off great and then it went south and if smaller bets work we'll do smaller bets but i am getting some revenge on that 25 cash code it's a jackpot to start the night what do you know [Music] yolanda has no reason to be sorry how's the picture quality everybody we have one person keep saying bad picture but everybody else says [Music] [Music] nothing [Music] all right let me see if i can uh [Music] all right [Music] all right is that good now how does that look perfect all right couple backup spins come on please please please [Music] backup spins galore i saw it go by too all right two thousand dollars will be the ending point [Music] all right first game get a win nice start all right so this ticket guys oh cougar girls 9.99 super justice happy new year all right i reset it i don't know what else to do so i did reset the wi-fi i mean the picture i am at mercy of the casino and romeo evan welcome to the bod rubber ducky club all right guys since um the same ticket so five hundred dollars again i've got these thousand dollar tickets i have to use them twice so the floor is going to be 1500 all right all right 17 16 a spin [Music] that's huge 300 that's good [Music] [Applause] yep i i work with what i have so [Music] maybe it'll get better but i did reset it twice after that i can't do much i apologize but i'm working with what they have but thank you to 800 people watching one more [Music] open this pot 24. [Music] 40 bucks [Music] yes scott i just re-logged into wi-fi for the third time i did reset it and i reset it again so [Applause] [Music] all right before the bonus i'll see if i can fix the wi-fi whoops 73. if you're winning with that well i find it just keep it that way give me one second guys this is my best four games [Music] which one do you guys look all right which one should i pick i've never done this thank you raja what do you guys want [Music] miss mary brian thank you for the live play i really activity oh thank you miss mary [Music] coins [Music] all right coins all coins come on yes oh we're going to do something on the left [Music] chris had patches behind me for me hey one more time i logged out i forgot the network and i logged back in [Music] guys not much i can do guys so the i'm doing the best i can but tell me it's blurry and tell me it's unwatchable and you're gonna unsubscribe above and beyond because i don't control the wi-fi you're gonna unsubscribe from my channel uh i'm not trying to be negative here but don't say crap like that that's just not cool all right guys i'm doing the best i can to give you guys some bonus live play and kyle sell data does not work at all in vegas anyways we got a bonus 776 dollars all right there's some backup spans the floor we'll get 2800 2750 2800 we'll see how it goes and we'll do the top up if we hit it [Music] all right so 27.50 is gonna be the floor so the first thousand in we're gonna have at least 27.50 so that's a great start tonight the pot is a little over 6500 but that's what the tickets i had available was they're gonna make that work but thank you all for tuning in thank you for you know the watching the earlier live play and we got a super chat herbert d brian you're doing fine ignore the complaint all right one more spin and we're gonna cash out so far it's a good little start [Music] all right let's move what do you guys want to see next is my lucky players card [Music] so [Music] those are not multi-dino [Music] yep how you doing yeah i hope so i reset it again it's still really bad i i re-logged in crushing it you hit reconnect i hit reconnect yeah it's still brilliant now all right we're back live all right thank you all right guys garager just help me out it's great usually for a little bit and then it kind of sputters out all right guys how about some konami konami time [Music] [Music] it can go to a hotel you go to hotel next all right and play konami games radiant witch 15 to spin so the floor on this game is gonna be 500. because it's a thousand dollar ticket let's do it guys but thank you all for tuning in hey brian i got a super chat for you one dollar lucky super chat from jose all right usually the usually for a super chat has to be at least 1.99 or higher to say anything doesn't want it we'll try one this is going in the community pot there we go so now you're in action you have a point one tenth of a percentage all right taxi 10 000. yeah we need to go to the other one all right we're gonna try the hotel one all right we're gonna try one more wi-fi guys i apologize all right all right last try guys after this we're just gonna wing it but waffs 73 in bod we trust thank you wasps genomes just keep crushing it all right guys if i missed a super chat then i did do my best doing my best all right here we go it's an iphone 12 pro mac so it should the phone's not the issue here oh i think it was one away from that symbol nice you love silver lucky 25 super super chat flip phone it's a motorola gopro i have no idea come on three or more bonus symbols may trigger the money galaxy feature oh you're not like that okay [Music] we switched the wi-fi network so hopefully guys hopefully this helps it's holding up so we'll take it at this point jose ah i tried [Music] guys it has nothing to do with the camera on the phone it's the wifi [Music] chris pat you're doing great brian of data oh that's my new name brian of data 9150 so i heard you made a killing in the stock market today had a good day you guys haven't checked out raja makes money the mods have been actually posting the link so thank you mod for doing that come on kanami give me some heck yeah [Music] gosh you guys i might have to cancel live play early tonight if i have to keep modding for myself [Music] come on it's due [Music] uh now i get that radiant witch symbol when i don't need it yep once again [Music] well i would go play it and that's that's it that's the 500 mark so [Music] all right let's keep moving on guys [Music] now um somebody specifically told me i should go play high stakes [Music] you know what maybe he'll do some video poker since carrie's here tonight how would you guys want to see some ultimate at the video poker i think that could be fun 1250 spin max that volume out yay or nay on video poker oops stephen hall he requested this game tonight so he got it apple alert for guys tonight 5 30 ah so close 5 30 pacific time you know what i did really good on last night was uh one more that uh i hit those two nice jackpots on uh also environment really i haven't if we went at one more and open up the taco that is like another four i never have like an ultimate fire like played it again last night but the last couple ever since i started playing that another one ultra hot megalink i didn't go to those now they've done these whole shows okay i never liked it because i never got the bonus but now we've got all these great bonuses they're gonna take 5 30 guys the big jackpot will be live on the main facebook page with youtube live play to follow at six o'clock pacific time [Music] yes we got a bonus see what happens when i push the button all right big one here we go carrie go ahead and hit the button carrie terry first lucky raja high rollers i had to mix it up it didn't work for me yesterday all right raja your turn your turn nah all right jose hit the button [Music] okay there we go that's 125 for jose tracy says i feel bbb coming for b.o.d well we believe in b.o.d everybody hit the thumbs up jose you're on the roll ready another 125. you're fired i'm fired i'll come in and save the day all right come on all right you're in all right here we go there you go that's all you guys are worth 25. oh this is 50 cents it's 12 minutes all right carrie you're back in it come on 62.50 jose tagging you back in you're hired again come on that's this is a brd spin oh okay there it is all right same as the raja come on nature just drop it oh really i carry you're back in [Music] all right jose we'll worry about the price of the grand if we come to that all right it comes down to body [Applause] that's something 362. [Music] it is but yours is a lot tighter mine's maybe the spring's gone or something [Applause] [Music] all right backup spins we'll play it down to what 500. how does that sound that sounds great thank you one more sorry he's live right now [Music] ma'am it's 45 dollars i'm sorry that's my gunnery jose my agent told me that all right big congratulations to the quick father he's not going to be with us tonight and right when we got done playing about one o'clock last night went to the room get a good night's sleep at three o'clock he sent me a message he had to get an uber for a five-hour drive back to california he missed his baby being born that's why we picked this date early in the month because baby was due on the 18th so we're like okay two weeks plenty of time you know get home and yeah out of nowhere last night all right guys what do you think we should play next all right autumn moon let's do it ah guys i do not really charge 45 dollars a photo you guys can believe whatever you want this one's due i'm into this game for at least a thousand bucks i get this one two oh the better match yeah no no but this one yesterday all right here we go twenty dollars to spend fifty four hundred dollar major hundred and three thousand dollar grand this is slower than like that first [Music] so the floor is 500 on this game unless we decide to play a second round on it so thousand dollar ticket in the floor come on what whoa no oh i thought you had it oh wow how did you screw that up very easily oh i thought i had it thousands left what happened to that 20 orb what happened to that 20 dollar orb tracy if jose twerks upside down like naomi there will be mega booms wow you've been requesting the twerk upside down [Music] diane mccall says whatever rajo says about you after i fell for the malaria hoax [Laughter] so diane mccall says she doesn't believe anything you say about me after she fell for the malaria hoax when you told everybody i had malaria b.o.d uh brandon true b.o.d ah what what grand did you hit the other day when the raja was live it's probably the same as me having malaria whatever that's worth [Music] it's no minor finally [Music] the good news is i don't have malaria currently but the question is are you going to fall asleep 2 000. i knew this game was due ah yeah come on keeping it alive [Music] now i pumped well over a thousand bucks in this game last night [Music] plus in the group paul we didn't do too well either [Music] [Applause] thousand right [Music] oh here it comes 103 000 live let me at least see it i did not see it i got my glasses on and i don't see it again the drama it's left-handed does it work nope i need to mix it up is that what you do in the bedroom people got jokes today come on [Music] hopefully we keep playing well i can pay off my markers it'll be nice [Music] that's something is that tick-tock tick-tock well i only have one phone unlike some people wow you guys both have one phone wait we got so many girls and tracy d if you don't mind sending me a photos later on of all the jackpots thank you all right so the floor is gonna be three thousand bucks one more moon there's still good line hit john johnson boom boom boom in bod's room that's right [Music] yeah this machine was definitely due after i mean carrie watched me struggle on this game last night i mean struggle one more i knew this game had to do a comeback hi there how you doing today good how are you i'm doing well you can't do recording what did this gentleman tell you i'm spitting fake news again i'm gonna have to call security on you that wouldn't be the first time yeah they called him last time when he had those prostitutes you grabbed his hands on his feet caesar's palace was not a good day remember caesar's palace and that lady i was tracy says i'm waiting jose you got this bee all right cash it out so this yeah so yeah this was a new this was a fresh ticket jimmy beauty on ajita keep it up i got your hoodie in my room during his live play i'll get it for you all right cash cove 25 a spin so the floor is just under 2 500. purple and gold saw it's nice wind keep it up i'm going to purple gold and i got jimmy d there you go all right all right so the floor is like 2 400 and change what doesn't want my ticket i did this yesterday too gaming machine unable to redeem at this time that was weird and it took it cash go 25 to spend cash cove just under 2 400 sorry just under 2 500. come on make up make up for you so 24 in change [Music] 100 dollars get it oh but thank you to all the mods help out thank you to kerry all aboard or luxury line tiffany j beauty great live stream can you play some cats all right we'll do cats after this [Music] no thank you nope i'm doing well not drinking anything so i'm gonna hold off as long as we keep winning i will not have a sip of water the entire livestream i am very superstitious [Music] what did he get nice jose is on ajita as tracy d would say this ticket will be put in the bank after this machine is over that's a great observation [Music] [Music] doesn't want me to quit this game i guess no okay there you go all right couple more spins not gonna go below 2400 come on come on all right final spin on this game cash an hour all right all right so that i think it's done all right we're gonna put another thousand dollar ticket in so once again the floor is gonna be um 500 bucks i didn't have to didn't have time to break down the tickets cats here it is somebody wanted cats to send a super chat and i haven't done cats in a while so [Music] 15 to spin [Music] yes that's it i thought it looked it looked a lot better in my mind sometimes the lower bets work better that's a pay line on 15. oh fine don't have to convince me it looks like if i'm a game manufacturer i'm making 15 lines that's not one of mine [Music] yeah of all the games being different heights different angles it's not always the easiest sometimes to uh that's it fifteen all right 30 that's fine 30 bucks on cats ah 200 nice [Music] come on bank the bonus that's good huh 400. nice [Music] that's right johnny milwaukee loves all the games that have cats in it kitty glitter miss kitty [Music] bonus [Music] [Music] what do you think should i play 45 a spin on catch or keep it here at 30. 500 is the floor we're going for that bonus oh yeah 250. i'll tell you what we'll do actually choose the max you can only play 30 bucks so by default oh bonus nope no nope gina anyway can you play black widow uh maybe you'll do some black widow i'll tell you what since we're doing well in the game we'll i don't want to lose any money on this game so we'll set the floor in a thousand bucks so we guarantee we don't lose any money playing cats [Music] i hate to do well in the machine and go broke trying to hit the bonus so [Music] come on okay 200 just for that [Music] and if we break the two 2000 mark maybe he'll set a floor above that come on full screen say meow i likey [Music] so if the raja ever tells you something about me 95 of the time it's not true he said you were an awesome individual b.o.d yep see told you now he knows better than joke about my dogs so oh yeah that's like the one thing he knows so if he says something about my dogs that may be true but besides that i never had malaria [Music] what's not a pay line but this jagged thing is that's bs hey ben hello [Music] don't get called on me kitty cats [Music] all right um is black widow on here all right this game's getting cold i'm going to use this extra 186 dollars for black widow so the forum black widow's still going to be 500. i so whatever that's worth executive vod decision [Music] forty dollars to spend on black widow [Music] the floor is at 500 on the game he's taking some of that extra money [Music] all right a black widow floor is five hundred dollars oh there's yep i that's a lot of people say i look like the purple guy in black widow they're the pink guy does that look like b.o.d what do you guys think i think it is they modeled it after me maybe that's right the raja this is his favorite game because he gets to see me all the time [Music] wow cheryl clark blackwidow be nice to b.o.d thank you we don't think we had a single playback of anything on black widow yet [Music] not a single does black widow hate b.o.d looks like ben affleck oh there we go on the last spin it pays 160 says don't quit on me [Music] ah mark wahlberg all right final spin and we're putting this ticket in the bank for cats and black widow so cats and black widow is done now i did play some um dancing drums earlier today and i got killed 2 000 down on dancing drums so based on that it's dancing drums revenge [Music] time [Music] yeah i saw my afternoon live play we did play some dancing drums so what do i got left 500 500 500 000 so 6500 in tickets i have 2500 left let's just make it easy to put a 500 ticket here so once again guys i had to get some thousand dollar tickets i couldn't get the 500 so that's why we used some tickets twice 1760 a bet and we're going for three if we get it we're going for three the last three games we haven't done anything so we're due for another bonus here jimbo come on drums let's see a bonus i agree timbo so the mini's at 178 miners 626 that seems awfully high you son of a yeah majors at 9 000 yeah we're going for three because that's what i said all right here we go all right big money there we go that's it [Music] yes oh one more dragon that helped 120 yeah 360. [Music] all right 660 dollar bonus [Music] all right we're gonna play some more uh like 750 floor on this game we need some backup spins let's get another bonus [Music] you know screw it we'll do the mystery if we get it again that sounds fine with me mystery if we get another bonus i just hit five drums [Music] all right final spin unless we hit something um [Music] all right whoops says uh [Music] top dollar let's do it [Music] a lot of people like the double top dollar [Music] yeah 210 dollars to spend sorry 10 dollars a credit 20 [Music] we've been doing better on the lower d knobs right now so [Music] she says always double she's an expert so yeah 10's on there i'm putting a thousand dollar ticket in so the floor will be 500. [Music] so it's 20 dollars yes we did some higher spins earlier going backwards still good slide play [Music] carla howard says good luck tonight hashtag bonus time hope you're staying warm up there [Music] carla [Music] oh [Music] [Music] is my card working all right let's see this top dollar logo [Music] so close there we go [Music] almost 2 000 people watching thank you guys for tuning in tonight make the bonus live play from the cosmopolitan las vegas hit that subscribe button keep notifications on because sometimes i do surprise live play like this morning last spin [Music] and i did some like hundred dollar huffing puff this morning all right let's move on to some pinball [Music] two credit pinball we'll do 20 to spin on this too yes we'll do the video poker [Music] let's set pinball yeah uh these old school pinballs you can't see them anymore you don't find them much all the casinos that have them do not get rid of them looks like the new pinball they have it's a little different format 20 to spin so with a three credit pinball you get five shots with two credit pinball you get four [Music] that was 250 okay give this some more ammo to hit this pinball come on come on [Music] ah so close we have 1500 left after this the big jackpot will be live at 5 30 pacific time so [Music] and maybe i'll do some surprise late night live play tonight you never know that's why you have to subscribe and click those notifications on if i do like it yeah yeah it's something i was waiting for like yeah eight grand i'm like my like time just kind of stopped okay for me i'm like is it gonna happen [Music] it is what time what time is it carrie right now i think about five o'clock or so so it's 4 45 yes there we go uh i think i'm gonna keep the ten dollar genome it's working i hate to blow through everything on the twenty five dollar d numb we ain't broke i rather win a little bit of money on a smaller bet than lose more money on a larger bet [Music] yeah maybe some we'll see late no promises i did a surprise live play this afternoon [Music] and it's not a surprise if i tell you happy new year b.o.d and good luck well thank you sonny happy new year to you come on pinball get a couple decent line hips golden nugget that's a casino we're at the cosmopolitan is there a game called golden nugget oh yeah [Music] what was your biggest hit um nice on 15 bets yeah can't beat that [Music] i know where a wild wild nugget is but um some guy last night kept saying wild wild nugget the whole time and it really gave me bad juju and we lost so no wild wild nugget tonight i'm not a fan of that game anyways but we got a come on bonus 80. okay 250 it's a good start come on 80 80 no 500 bucks come on 80 80. [Music] [Applause] all right we're at 8 40. like 7 60 something like that get it five back upstairs legit whoops taught me so my final spin okay cash now [Music] 1500 left [Music] carrie and i gonna play some video poker for five thirty dollars to spin ultimate x video poker scary carry and body now beauty is gonna make the best choices oh thank you for that i'll do the best i can i got carrie here so we'll [Music] oh i didn't sorry i was um live when you texted me oh you're fine [Music] thank you thank you do you want a cosmopolitan no no no hold nothing or yeah all right oh so i was playing this earlier i got dealt four to the royal correct carry yeah i got dealt four to the royal i had a four-time multiplier up top or something and of course i did not hit it we'll be back to slots after this open ender all right seven queens [Music] maybe i should have held the aces michael alphonse in the house check out live stream casino shenanigans on facebook featuring michael halphon nothing all right the no holds barred anything goes facebook gambling drinking debauchery group sanders lodge shared the length thank you okay in order here we go oh come on give us something here come on [Music] all right here we go four to the flush let's hit this yeah look at the next all right come on four of a kind wherever oh come on oh come on top here okay guys all right come on could be eight thousand dollars it could be all right here we go a little dramatic pause come on twenty thousand dollars here it comes [Music] oh man yep yeah i got del four to the royal with the multiplier i had a couple good deals today [Music] here we go [Music] all right here we go come on four of a kind four of a kind king queen [Music] hey quads there we go oh cheers that's why i got somebody else here [Music] maybe if i do a late night it'd be all video poker live stream it's a possibility if anybody wants to do a video poker with me tonight maybe i'm going for it oh you just look at it [Music] okay so it's open ender too yeah so you need a two or seven eclipse [Music] there we go [Applause] 2500 [Music] all right [Music] nice all right so we're at 28 10. i'll probably play down 2 500 or so yeah um come on here it comes guys let's play for a miracle carry i'm good right yeah ah tyler smith the b.o.d for president carrie lee for vp i like it okay let's do it again come on four of a kind [Music] [Music] [Music] yes sir oh come on four aces come on [Music] [Music] okay that's right it's lacey from the slot ladies the one and only will she go live tonight i don't know if you guys want to send her money on only fans i think she may go live again tonight but hopefully is that how you send people money oh yeah so if you check out lacey's instagram and tracyd or whoever has it share it in the chat and on instagram they have your cash app in there so if somebody wants to send lacey 100 bucks or she gets up to 500 tonight i think she may go live again [Music] oh somebody sent you 100 you just need 400 more all right that sounds fair and whoever sends the most money can pick the game [Music] it'd probably be after the big jackpot tonight probably directly after before the group poll [Music] it actually was good she told me my left arm was sore because my right arm was tight [Music] yeah i had the hundred minute in the end well worth it eight times there we go anything i have a mask on my braces oh there we go can we get the flush can we get a flush ah yeah that's a good way to end it positive money and tracy d thank you mod tracy just shared lacey's instagram so just to confirm her cash app is linked in the buy over instagram right yeah all right so if she gets 500 tonight 400 more she will be going live [Music] am i down only 500 left yeah i guess i'm only at 500 left tonight wow i thought it had more oh yeah we had the thousand between those two machines right so what do we want to do for the last so let me think about schmidt i put 500 in there 500 here okay we all know what's going to happen last guys 25 spins huff and puff [Music] that's right guys huff and puff to end the night and wild wild nugget is being played i was going to end it tonight in a wild wild nugget but some gentleman is playing it so i can't do that yep 25 spins we're doing well we're gonna do 25 spins we did it yesterday for a thousand bucks we couldn't hit so maybe it's due that that logic worked on the uh what game did the logic were gone oh autumn moon we lost yesterday all right here we go 25 spins huff and puff let's do it um yeah maybe some late night live play i'll talk to some people and figure out a game plan there's no promises [Music] well i got some money to throw in the pot it could be video poker who knows two more yeah yeah there we go by the way we're gonna end it we got backup spins all right i'm excited yesterday was terrible today is much much better one more oops man i didn't mean to do that [Music] oh come on don't be like that it is going to be like that we got backup spin so there's one point we just want a coin [Music] ouch and the actual three games only played seven dollars and fifty cents it was bad [Music] 500 bucks will be the floor [Music] thank you that was not a good bonus nope nope nope [Music] come on the volume is maxed out that is not the issue what are you gonna do one more spin to end the night on bank the bonus live play i don't i would like to play it through but i don't know if that's fair because everybody has to agree on it so based on that um i'm okay thank you though so but guys thank you so much on behalf of b.o.d scary carrie and lacey we will see you soon remember check her out on instagram camera's on you just let you know oh hi taking my these are not i can't walk in them so i'm switching all right so check her out on instagram if she gets 500 today she's going live and you pick the game if you're the highest donor and also check her out on only fans so all right guys thanks to glot and i will see you guys later on maybe late night tonight bye

The results are in for Match 8.
Agnes and Arpeggi, in their shrunken states, continued to fight, surrounded by the rising flames of their lilliputian tower, fists flying and Stand blows being taken one after the other.
“You… Callous mother fucker!” Arpeggi cursed, Agnes feeling the singe of a heat blast both from behind and from launched wood. “We’re not aiming for a massacre!”
“You’re not,” Agnes spat out, then, pulling a tab on the table, a massive geyser erupting and launching his so-called ally away, “I don’t give a fuck about this place, and we’re in a Stand battle… And it’s all worthless, greedy scumbags watching! Let the fire spread! Let this place hit the ground so they see what someone with style can do!”
“You heard it here, folks! Agnes talked you all down… C’mon, where’s your passion! Don’t run out and away, c’mon! And here I thought you cared y’had money ridin’ on this…”
Conqueror Worm’s laughs reverberated as Glitch and William found themselves cooled by Ocean Eyes’ nectar, which found itself dissolving quickly but, for the moment, a functional barrier for the injured fighters, watching and listening to what happened.
“Th… They’re fighting each other up there…” William remarked, physically looking as though he was straining to force Ocean Eyes not to hurry up there and tear them a new one. “Glitch, we don’t have time to keep the flames at bay and call up another KST, and if I let Ocean Eyes up there it’ll eviscerate them, and-”
“What’s this? The kid is holdin’ back, afraid of his own Stand! Hey, kid, don’t hate this part of yourself! Ocean Eyes, it ain’t your enemy, that’s a part of you, what makes you special, so don’t be at odds with it! Embrace what it says, because it’s what YOU’RE sayin’!”
William was speechless, there, but his companion was less inactive in that time. Tiger “Glitch” Ricky simply hissed, then, her and her Stand hopping up out of the flames in an effort to brutally, mercilessly pounce upon the self-styled villain and the ally he had come to blows with. If they moved fast, they could bite through that shitty little twink’s neck right now!
Arpeggi grit his teeth, scrambling to find his footing as he witnessed the pouncing cat-stand, finding it hard to breathe among all the burning rubble, fading fast then.
Is… Is this how it ends..? Crushed and mangled as some lowlife’s burnt-up game piece..?
“And it looks like Glitch is about to take it! Shout-outs to Tigran, the only real one here, watchin’ through the fire and the flames!”
“Heh… This is just a bit of a sweat,” Tigran Sins answered, stifling a cough, “I’ll see all seven of these bastards run through games until they’re all-”
Arpeggi didn’t hear what was said next, only hearing his own defiant heartbeat. If he didn’t act fast, Agnes would die… Good riddance, right? But… Ugh, no, even scum like him, they don’t deserve…
He clutched at NEXT LEVEL until his fingers bled, and Glitch and William, both looking at him past their Stands waiting to attack, made curious sounds as yet more crumbled away.
“Mrr?!”
And then, there was white. An overwhelming cascade of baking soda burst from NEXT LEVEL, smothering the flames rapidly as an obscured form zipped up the tower again, grabbing Agnes and hurrying away from the thrown-off Glitch.
“You… Why did you…” Agnes rubbed baking soda out of his eyes, coughing and looking at the form of Arpeggi in this new Stand. “Motherfucker…”
“I have responsibility over even a scumbag like you… You tailed me here, and I’m not gonna let you die and escape responsibility easy.” He turned, then, to William and Glitch, his new form revealed. “Now, actually help me, follow my lead, and I’ll kick your ass later. We need to survive this-”
All four of the fighters, then, felt themselves grow rapidly, their combined weight so close together crushing the table they were on, much as a nearby tabletop wargame that had been setup found itself buckling under the weight of Metra, Oh No, the Black Angel, and their motorcycle.
“Welp,” Worm said with a bemused laugh, holding up the slumped body of Tigran. “Your fire couldn’t hurt him, but smoke inhalation sure could! I guess that means…”
“The winner is FIRE, with a score of 65!”

Category	Winner	Point Totals	Comments
Popularity	Graveyard Shift	12-17
Quality	Graveyard Shift	19-20	Reasoning
JoJolity	BADD GUYS	24-18	Reasoning
Conduct	Tie	10-10

With no more reason to fight, it got really awkward and everyone just sort of ran out of Heartache Casino. William Eyelash, recalling his stand and lost in thoughts, was the last to leave, joining the others in leaping single-file out a window into a nearby alley.
There, though everyone else seemed tensely uninvolved, the Black Angel’s motorcycle revved, and she stared down Worm as he safely stowed Tigran inside his Stand-body, leaning on his golden sword.
“There’s still something I need, Jones… I’ll run you down to get it if it means saving the city.”
Worm laughed, gesturing with his sword. “This thing? You’re huntin’ me down for this… Ah! I see! You’re tryin’ to do that.” Callously, he tossed it, so suddenly they fumbled with it in hand. “Here ya go, then! I don’t much want what Jack Aurel’s cookin’ up either!”
The Angel, worn and exhausted, stammered. “I… You just… But…”
“Lookin’ forward to killin’ me, huh? Get in line, kid… Or waste your time right now! See, nobody here is botherin’, they can all read that it’d be a waste when I’m in such good health! City’s countin’ on you, yeah, and you won’t get many opportunities for bein’ called a hero as an adult. Make it count!”
Then, before anyone could say more, he darted through a nearby wall, waving William and the rest off with a, “Ah, we safely may trust to its gleaming and be sure it will lead us aright!”
…
…
“Asshole.” The Angel turned away, strapping the sword to their back and driving away. “Thank you, all of you. I’ll take this from here… Get yourselves help.”
There was silence as they drove into the sky, scarf billowing before them, and then Agnes started cackling. “You’re all fucking morons… If I didn’t burn that place down, we wouldn’t have gotten away, and some wannabe with no style would be going down as Los Fortuna’s worst villain! Fucking bow and grovel, Jack Aurel’s grave is gonna say ‘spat on by Agnes!’”
Nobody had the energy to dignify that with a response.
An anticlimax is leading into a super-climax, and meanwhile, an ant-loving little boy and an aid worker are racing through their dreamscapes, with a day left to vote there.
Narration:
What is, as of the 1990s, ‘Capital Island,’ was the epicenter of Los Fortuna’s founding several hundred years ago, in the midst of a bloody Stand User conflict, many militias clashing for superiority, in the 1680s, starting with the death of the era’s own Andrew Tiffany, the missionary William Mandolin, and towards its end, knocking people into their senses through the awakening of exactly what he had tried to warn them of.
A grand T-Rex by the name of Megalomania had survived, dormant, underneath the land through the might of its Stand, coated in a goldlike substance, and awoken in a deep rage by the conflict of the locals. Megalomania was met in battle by a man out of place named Aaron Bruno, ‘Sir Aurel’ to most, and Memory Management, and when slain, crumbled where it stood into a pile of bones, feet firm in the ground.
Los Fortuna’s natural history museum was built around this monster’s remains, and Sir Aurel would turn its golden coat into a ceremonial weapon. The power these symbols were imbued with, even with their old purposes lost, were of great importance to the city’s stability.
Scenario:
Outside Los Fortuna’s Natural History Museum, Early Evening
In the blink of an eye, the attention of everyone within Los Fortuna had been turned to the natural history museum. That made sense, of course - considering the looming dark clouds containing the ghosts of the dead within them, the scuffles of the stand users outside of the building, and the vague knowledge that a ritual with the purpose of destroying fate itself was currently being performed within it, it would be out of the ordinary for people to not be paying it any attention. Even those who weren’t stand users that were up to date with the situation were drawn to it by the unusual level of activity surrounding it, from emergency services and VALKYRIE forces alike.
And then there was Bert. They were invested in the whole situation, of course - keeping up with the latest reality-breaking ancient rituals was the least that a wannabe god like them could do. Their status as an observer did raise a few eyebrows - they’d had to shake off both emergency service workers and VALKYRIE forces, who’d both taken the time to try and encourage Bert to leave the area for their own safety, clearly underestimating Bert’s own prowess.
Within the chaos, one could be excused for not failing to notice the drones Bert had been sending around to overhear and oversee it all. First, they paid attention to the chief of security at VALKYRIE, Ugo McBasie, who seemed to be getting interviewed by someone from the Fortuna Hermod, an ODIN-owned news publication (not their usual guy at scenes like this… Wonder what happened to him). Bert had heard that the man was a violent and irresponsible meathead who’d caused plenty of trouble in the past, but he seemed to be keeping a thin veil of professionalism for now. However, Bert couldn’t help but notice a young man in a blue aviator cap standing a few meters behind the reporter and staring daggers at him, perhaps keeping him in check somehow, occasionally piping in for comment about how it was all they could do to surround the place and wait for an opening if they didn’t want a meat grinder on their hands.
Meanwhile, Los Fortuna’s own city council chairman, Raymond Delwin Shimizu was discussing something of note with someone else, who seemed to have just finished an interview of his own. Bert didn’t recognize him, but the interviewer had called him “Chief Prosecutor Cavallo”, and she seemed as if she knew what she was talking about, so Bert opted to believe her. The interviewer, Jillian Something-or-other, had been running all over the scene, trying to get interviews alongside her oversized cameraman Bert recognized as having been that really huge cop who used to hang around Aurelio a lot of the time not successfully doing his job. Not worth Bert’s time.
Cavallo scratched his head in frustration. “Chairman, please tell me that you’ve made progress of some kind here...”
Ray shook his head. “Not much. That stand user that’s working alongside Jack Aurel, Akiko Mizushima, is making it impossible to get in - anyone we do send in is as good as gone. We haven’t even been able to get Admiral Pineapples out. Judging by your demeanor, I assume that the board hasn’t made much progress either.”
“No, doesn’t seem like it.” Cavallo let out a long sigh. “Every day, it’s just more and more work… Now we’re stuck having to deal with this. If nothing’s done, the board’s thinking it might very well cause a disaster unmatched by… Well, anything but the earthquake from thirty years ago. Something like this, bending the rules of the city, and breaking free from it… Los Fortuna’s probably not going to let that slide easily.” He shook his head. “Where the hell is the mayor through all this? Watching anime at home or something, probably.”
Ray remained silent for a bit, thinking to himself. “Well, we’ve got emergency services ready to act for now, and we’re working on evacuating any susceptible areas, but it only works so much.” Before Cavallo could respond, another reporter came up to Raymond, ready with a batch of questions for him. “Well, Cavallo, our work isn’t done yet, so let’s get to it. Saving as many people as possible here should be our utmost priority.” And with that, the two men parted ways for the time being.
Having listened enough, Bert began thinking to themselves. This was a tricky situation - they clearly couldn’t get in as is, but they certainly wanted to. Learning more about the situation at hand would improve their knowledge of the mechanisms holding Los Fortuna together, and gaining control over the ritual somehow would certainly be a feat befitting of a god such as them.
Bert stood in front of the museum entrance, taking another look at the chaos in front of them and continuing to think about the next step they’d take. So many different possibilities, so little time. They thought, and thought, and then one of their drones’ eyes glanced upon someone familiar - a blue haired, red eyed woman wearing a mask, trying to blend in and clearly resenting it, skulking around the perimeter of the area as though she, too, wished to enter.
Yet despite her efforts, Bert recognized her.
“Emilie ‘Dread’ Delacroix!” They declared it loudly, thoughtlessly so, approaching her with a hand raised. “Are you perhaps looking to find a crevasse through which to enter that place as well? It’s quite fortified, isn’t it?”
“Hm?” She wasn’t bothered by the way Bert drew attention to her, still wearing her same very extra outfit under the also quite extra hooded dark robe she was using to blend in. “Ah, pardon me dearly for having failed to notice you… You are Bert, from that incident where we fought on equal terms, yes?”
“I am that same Bert, Emilie ‘Dread’ Delacroix, yes. Though I doubt I could be much mistaken for others…”
“We are both quite conspicuous individuals, yes,” Dread said, taking the conversation into a nearby alley before VALKYRIE goons on the scene could prove it was her, “but no, I’m not terribly nonplussed about my abilities to infiltrate that place… Simply, I am attempting to assess the probability by which my approach itself, through the barricades erected, might occur. If your intentions happen to be helping me sneak through, then it is simply not necessary on any fronts… I have formulated a plan now.”
Dread, now appearing alone, walked through that alley curiously, looking around her and beginning to see her opportunity of approach - there appeared to be a side door there, at which a certain fish-themed hero was sitting outside, looking, Dread knew from their DMs, at funny images of her wife atop the T-Rex skull in the museum.
Yes, certainly, this would be-
“Whoa, hey, it’s you!”
Damnable. Had she been spotted, or..?
No, no, wait. The one speaking, a man also in this alleyway who smelled of cannabis, holding what looked like a GAP bag, was speaking to someone on the opposite side of it, disembarking from a sportbike and handing it to the rider, who was wearing a very ornate-looking golden sword which Dread had sworn she’d seen somewhere before.
“Thanks,” the Black Angel told this young man, accepting the bag and producing its contents - a Roman helmet and black bird-looking tokusatsu cosplay? “Green couldn’t make it himself, huh?”
“I made it,” the guy said, pointing proudly to himself, before blinking. “Oh, you mean like… Showing up. Yeah, no, there was a thing with a mammoth coming down from the mountains, he’s helping East deal with that. Feel like lighting up before you go in? It’ll take the edge off..!”
The rider removed their helmet, coincidentally perfectly timed for the strawberry-blonde with pale blue eyes to stare him down incredulously. “About a million people live on this island, Weedboy. Now is not the time…” The Angel ducked into the nearby building to change, finishing, “shit, yeah, it looks just like the Flying Men do… uh. you should get out of here now.”
“You kidding?” He asked. “I don’t wanna bow out right before it gets good! That’s, like, saying I think you can’t do it!”
Well, these two appeared distracted, so Dread would continue along her way, walking right past them and towards the blockade, towards where Jo was sitting casually, only to be interrupted by-
“Holy shit, it really is her! Stop right there, Dread!”
Oh boy, here we go. This had been happening more lately, since a somewhat frustrating individual went and opened his big mouth about her dangers on Bifrost. Turned out that the head of VALKYRIE was literally in the server, so now she had a bounty on her head after a modicum of investigation into her after that public statement, and her casual admittance thereof!
Two armored guards were pointing guns at her as she stood there, unfazed.
“Don’t come any closer!” One of them, an older woman, said, turning to her younger partner and quickly telling him, “if she approaches, open fire. She’ll eat you alive if not!”
“This again, are you being serious?” Dread was less than pleased. “I am evil, and a murderer, unrepentantly so, yes, but I do not eat people. This rumor is being so blown out of proportion that I find it quite tiresome.”
“F-fuck off and die!” The younger moved to fire his weapon, only to realize there was a knife through him, catching the gun by the trigger after running from his shoulderblade to his fingertip.
Dread didn’t need the help, but like a true friend, Kimijo Kaneko offered it anyway
“Wh-what the-” The older woman cursed as her partner was cut open and dropped. “Fucking useless moron! HEY, EVERYONE, KANEKO BROKE RANK AND DREAD IS HERE TO! NOW’S OUR CHANCE TO-”
The distraction, then, was all it took for Dread to take her first kill of the day. Of course it was fine. She read the news, she knew how these VALKYRIE people were literally at war with poor people.
“Sh-shit, those people just died! More VALKYRIE corpses, and Jo again..!” The stoner declared in the background, and the Black Angel, now dressed exactly like the birdmen many had seen before, paused in her efforts to run past the opening created by Jo breaking formation.
Nobody could hear it or see her lips move, but she apologized under her breath, clenching her fist, but the disguise had worked. 32 Footsteps, the primary guard which would warp away anyone who tried to enter, apparently had instructions to allow in anybody dressed like this, yet none of the intended recipients of this deliberate loophole made their way in.
“Dread, hello, friend!” Jo exclaimed in high spirits, sheathing her knife, but still speaking quietly as she hurried back into place, “good to see you!”
“Yes, it is most certainly fortuitous for us to encounter one another…” Dread agreed, walking and talking with her as the pair were watched in horror. “By any chance, may I come into this museum? I am absolutely curiously intrigued by what is going on within here…”
“Sure!”
A VALKYRIE sniper was taking aim at Dread, then, as she entered, muttering under her breath, “got a shot lined up… I can take her out, and Jo a second later! Two bastards out of the way, at least, and-”
“Wait,” the youth in a blue aviator hat and goggles, speaking as VALKYRIE’s tactician, instructed, “hold your fire.”
“Sir, she just made one of our senior officers fall into rotten pieces! She’s chatting it up with this fish-bitch like it’s nothing!”
“I know, and I’m appalled too, but I think…” The Blue Kid paused, contemplatively. “No, I know it. Dread is here to defeat John Aurel, just like the Black Angel.”
Spinning and pivoting through the air, “Lou” Reed, dressed like a dark, sixth Flying Man, landed atop the skull of the t-rex, which had apparently been adorned in a cute little pirate hat. It made for a fine vantage point, then, to look all over the halls of the Natural History museum, noting one, two, three, four spots, grotesque and morbid statues Remix had apparently erected of ghostly abominations.
She was exhausted, injured from the three-way skirmish she, Metra, and Oh No had been forced to undergo and riding like hell to get here, but she had made it this far, and others had managed to get in too. She couldn’t choke now.
Seven minutes… I’ll just have to destroy those, and be back here in seven minutes. Easy enough… I don’t think I’ve been-
“Green, Orange, and Purple… I don’t believe a ‘Flying Man Black’ was ever mentioned, nor that any of the brothers were into swords.”
Shit. That voice, too… Lou turned around, then, seeing someone standing behind her, a man with long dark hair, brandishing a hammer and looking up at her.
John “Jack” Aurel.
“Even if you are what you appear to be and not in disguise, you should realize that you aren’t welcome here. There’s nothing to be done in this museum worth dying for, and no way to accomplish any more foolish goal if I were to raise attention now. Care to waste some of the time you have left and explain?”
Of course this would happen. Lou removed her faux-beak, helmet, and goggles, staring down at him as her hair billowed in the ceiling fans’ wind. “Jack… I’ve come here to put a stop to this.”
“You’re that kid who’s always running around, huh?” Jack frowned, twirling his hammer. “I hear what you talk about through the grapevine… About how we’re all victims of fate, forced against each other by Gravity. That Stand Users are always going to be molded by this… You understand it too. You understand that people like us prey upon the weak, that it’s in our natures and our place in the world. I want to remove myself from that… Remove these people from that, and atone for what I’ve done.”
“By killing even more people! There’s no way they’ll get everyone away from your blast radius, and you haven’t even given them the chance to!” Lou protested. “It doesn’t have to be this way… Don’t say this is how it has to be! We can save this place, free everyone from gravity, without barreling towards its destruction! I don’t want to kill you, Jack. I want you to stop this crazy, self-indulgent crap and help me do something real!”
“You think everyone deserves this? That Stand Users will simply reform without this? The cycle has started, and it will push to the end even if the wave guiding it fades away completely… Bastards, the lot of us, and I don’t intend to run from what I’ve done. I’ll give you one chance to run away, kid… the worst I can call you is naive.”
Lou drew the golden blade, seeing Jack wince as he clearly recognized its significance, all as her Stand appeared behind her. “We both know I can’t do that, even if I can barely keep my balance up here. And hey, maybe I will die here… Maybe I am fated not to see this through. But then, someone is gonna finish this for me! Your security is already compromised!”
“Fascinating… And you are utterly convinced that, should it work, those he’s slain to commence this ritual to begin with will return outside the city?”
“Remix is full of himself,” Jo said, nodding quietly, “but he and Jack, they researched a lot… Akiko and I, for helping this finish, we can finally go home! Be done with the bad city…”
“She has made this place remarkably impregnable,” Dread agreed, thinking aloud, “anyone who waltzes in waltzes into her backrooms…”
“Unless they have a ‘pass!’” A voice from within Dread’s cloak spoke, and as Jo raised her knife at it in defense, the pure-white, terribly contorted form of Bert tumbled onto the ground, stretching and reshaping into their typical humanlike shape.
“Don’t worry, don’t worry, they are fine, with me!” Dread assured Jo, frankly thankful to have that weight literally off her back. Bert was very light, but even then it was hard to walk carrying someone, let alone not give it away. “We have… Some history, and so I thought I might as well indulge Bert’s request to see this place as well. I apologize for not mentioning earlier, but it was quite dire getting in here past guards attacking us.”
Jo didn’t seem to mind, continuing to lead the pair around, even passing Akiko who was casually, distractedly reading some manga while in a bit of a pirate mood.
They also passed by another scene, slightly more concerning, of an injured old man in a Hawaiian Shirt, close by the frontmost entrance of the place and clutching himself as his fleet of four Stand-starships remaining fired at Remix, who guarded against it with ghost-objects while a Flying Man Red tried to find an opening to strike.
“You’ve been at this for hours, old man, die already! You have no place in the world I mean to birth from your bloodied, pulped remains!”
Pineapples stood, then, leaning against the wall, trying not to show weakness.
“I think that guy is going to lose, at this rate… It’s a shame, too,” Bert, the loudmouth again, remarked. “He might have been a worthwhile pawn in wrestling control away from this operation.”
Dread, Jo, Remix, and Red all gave Bert simultaneous incredulous looks, all in completely unique ways.
Jo drew her knife again, about to transform, only to dodge out of the way of the injured ‘Lou’ Reed, blacked out, helmetless, being knocked away and into the floor, the shock of which made her rise quickly, feeling around. “Where’s the- Shit!” As she sat up, then, feeling around for the saber no longer in her possession, she noticed that she was smack in the middle of something else here.
Hurriedly, she rolled away, standing herself up and looking to the injured Admiral. “You… You’re one of those MFAs, right? How did you-?”
Weakly, he gestured to Remix. “He brought me here in a damned urn! I’ve been fending them off to buy others in the museum time to escape… Everyone in this hall here and Jack, those are the only ones left in the building, minus masses and masses of ghosts. They’re harmless, though… Don’t worry about them attacking unless that guy takes them.”
“I see…” Lou, then, smiled sadly, clutching her bloodied suit. She looked to Bert and Dread, then, moving to get between them and Jack’s incredulous accomplices. “You said you wanted to take him out, right? I overheard…”
“Well, Bert has let yet another cat out of the bag,” Dread admitted, “indeed, I came here with the intent of dethroning Jack Aurel before he had a chance to complete his little ritual. Few others would even be able to get in here.”
“So that’s my role, then…” Lou smiled, then, sighing, ducking out of the way of the Flying Man sending a kick her way, a gauntlet-clad arm emerging from her body, grabbing his ankle hard, and swinging him into the Jo who was shocked to hear Dread say that. “I can’t do anything about Jack… Too fucked up from that ED match…” She grinned, then, mouth bleeding as she stared Remix down. “But this old man and I can at least keep these assholes from interfering!”
Dread, then, watched passively as the five erupted into battle, she and Bert curious about what was to come as, from each hand, the Stand which emerged seemed to fire odd projectiles at their foes. “The ‘I’ll hold them off…’ You’re styling yourself as some sort of exceptional hero, aren’t you?” She seemed amused by that, the irony of their cooperation. “I’m evil, you know… And Bert, at least, is morally ambiguous. But if you’ve settled on putting the city in our hands, have you any advice?”
Over the sounds of laser fire, Lou quickly found time to answer, “yeah, there’s… I brought this golden ‘saber’ with me, and it must’ve fallen somewhere by the T-Rex… In, in a bit over six minutes from now, this ritual of theirs is gonna go through and rip this island open. Before that… They have these ‘failsafe’ statue things, and…” She took a breath, retracting and wincing from a blow her Stand had taken. “Look, I don’t have time to explain it, but you need to smash those up first! They’re there, made up of spirits fused together, to keep these guys safe from the consequences of their own actions… To ensure their safety, and at the same time act as a ‘failsafe’ for the ritual. Gives you the ‘power’ over it, too, in the way that right now Jack himself does… That’s important to stopping it. So you need to smash them first, and then, right as the time passes for the ritual, when the skull of the T-Rex in the center starts to split open and glow and its mouth starts gushing water… Embed the sword into the opening in its forehead, right as it starts to shape. That’s the only way to prevent this at this stage!”
“The forehead particularly, hmm?” Bert asked, pacing curiously and avoiding a cross split attack from Red, who barreled into Lou and was barely blocked. “Why there, per se? Why nowhere else on the thing?”
“Ngh..!” Lou grunted, saved from a follow-up by Pineapples. “I dunno, that’s just where you have to do it!”
“Black Angel… That’s what you’re called, yes?” Dread smiled, turning away. “You will be thanked for this victory… Try to live long enough to witness it firsthand, won’t you?”
“I’d… I’d love to,” Lou answered, smiling sadly, “for five years now, when I first learned there was anything worth a damn in this world, I’ve wanted to protect that… The dark pit of despair that was the first thirteen years of my life, and even so much since, I’d love nothing more than a world where no person is fated beyond impossible odds to suffer that.” She grew serious, then, raising her voice. “Go, now! Leave this to us!”
Bert and Dread approached the T-Rex, impressed at the amazing height and Akiko’s snazzy pirate duds upon the thing, the lab-grown being whistling with impression. “A T-Rex lived ‘til three-hundred years ago… Preserved whole, in this city. It’s astonishing, isn’t it, Emilie ‘Dread’ Delacroix?”
“A curious anomaly,” Dread agreed, examining it from afar, even noticing that alleged sword in the distance. “I wonder why it survived that long, so far after its brethren…”
“It’s because it was a ‘Stand User.’”
Jack approached from the same room in which Dread spotted glints of the golden saber, announcing his presence with that. “That was its ‘fate…’ A savage, cunning animal, ripped from where it belonged. to be a problem to solve and squabble over, to found this city on its literal bones.”
“John ‘Jack’ Aurel… You’d best stand down.” Bert, helpfully, started. “You cannot beat us… Even if we only had seconds to overcome you, I would be too much for you to handle!”
“No, he’s going to fight, I know it.” Dread, meanwhile, prepared Joywave, staring him down with a pointed, grinning lethality. “I suppose introductions are not necessary, with how Bert here loves to say my full name… I am not one to make things curt or brief, John, but consider yourself toppled, usurped, bloodied and dead.”
“The lab accident with a God complex and by far the worst, most grisly of Jo’s friends…” With no real amusement, no happiness in his eyes, Jack chuckled, looking them over. “Of course, right at the end, my final test isn’t some hero… It’s exactly the worst kind of Stand User! The apex predators that I’ve preyed upon, that stand in the way of saving everyone who’s died to reach this point! Of course it would be someone like me to gain entry, wouldn’t it?”
“You speak with such confidence you’ll raise the dead…” Bert was curious. “Even if it costs more lives, such a thing is… That is the realm of gods, John ‘Jack’ Aurel.”
“Not today it’s not,” Jack answered, twirling his hammer in his hand. “Both of you… You’ve been driven here, standing in my way, as agents of ‘fate’ itself. Isn’t that the reason you were ‘lucky’ enough to pass through our defenses… Because you were meant to stand here, and you were meant to watch as every horrible, cruel thing you’ve done amounts to nothing in the face of these circumstances.”
He looks the two intruders over with sympathy for a moment, before steeling himself and clenching his weapon, Stand appearing behind him just as stone-faced. “You may be the puppet of something beyond your control, but you must understand that I can’t let you ruin the plan I’ve bet my life on. I bear you no anger as people, but your role here is something I can’t ignore. I’ll waste our time no longer in arguing ethics, let there be no apologies or restraint until this is settled.”
The other conspirators had been instructed not to intervene if it came to this point, even if it risked the collapse of everything they had worked for. Not if it threatened lives. An enemy to make it this far was deserving of being dealt with reasonably. As the critical moment drew near, Jack readied all the fury that months of waiting had stored within him, and accepted that this may very well be his final true fight.
“Five minutes on the dot now, until ‘that time…’ If what the Black Angel said is true.” Dread looked to Bert. “What do you say we demonstrate incontrovertibly to John exactly how confused he truly is?”
OPEN THE GAME!
(Image credit to CaptainSpooky27!)
Location: A part of the Los Fortuna’s Natural History Museum. The area here is 75 by 75 meters with each tile being 5 by 5 meters. The ceilings here are 8 meters tall. The yellow tiles are the hallways and the green and purple tiles form the different rooms.
The white tiles have ritual shrines built on those areas. There are 7 shrines total and will be explained in further detail in the additional information.
The players start at the south of the map and Jack starts at the top of the map as represented by their tokens. The walls are represented by thicker borders and the dotted lines are the doorways.
At the top of the map, in the pink tile and yellow symbols, is the Golden Sword. It is currently pinned under 2 meters of rubble.
Each wing of the museum houses an exhibit, in the center is the main attraction a large T-Rex in display as denoted by the large grey circle.
The other exhibits are denoted by the letter on them:

• G: The geologic exhibit, displaying and teaching about different rock formations and types
  
• O: The two Oceanic exhibits, displaying the marine life and seabed of Los Fortuna.
  
• C: The climatography exhibit, displaying the different temperature maps and features across Los Fortuna.
  
• A: The Agricultural exhibit, displaying the various fruits and crops grown around Los Fortuna.
  
• T: The two Taxidermy exhibits, displaying a wide range of animals in roped off and glass displays.
  
• E:The Entomology exhibit, displaying photos and models of various bugs.
  

Goal: For the players, desecrate all the shrines and, when time runs out, have at least one of you, living and conscious, at the T-Rex with the golden sword in hand! For Jack, make sure the players don’t stop your ritual before it goes off!
The match will last exactly five minutes, unless of course players are dead before then. It doesn’t end just because players reach the goal.
Additional Information:
The shrines are 2 meter tall marked wood and metal structures, each having an strange carve effigy sitting in the center of them. In order to properly desecrate a shrine the players can do one of a few things, destroy the shrine outright, deface all the carvings made into the shrine, or destroy the effigy hidden within the shrine.
After destroying or defacing a shrine, the ghosts of the dead will begin harassing the players - three ghosts will move towards the player responsible for destroying the shrine (even in a situation where the stands are responsible: the ghosts will target Bert if a Perfect Hair minion destroys a shrine, and same for if anything affected by Joywave does so). These aren't strong, having flat 222 physicals and being partially see-through, but will increase in numbers as more and more shrines are destroyed. Strong enough hits can phase them out of existence, but they'll respawn ten seconds after at the spot that they previously were. They will go directly towards the players and can phase through any walls or objects that may be in their paths (but not out of any attacks), grabbing onto the players and trying to gang up on them once they're close enough to do so, dealing minor damage.

Team	Combatant	JoJolity
Red Carpet Rennaisance	Emilie "Dread" Delacroix	"Wow! It's a hand drawn original color illustration!" You’re a cultured woman, and this museum might very well end up being wiped off of the face of the earth quite soon, so you need to make the most of it while you still can! Make sure to visit and appreciate the various exhibits on display here! (Character Specific)
Suburban Regalia	Bert	"What a terrible person. If I wrote about someone like you, none of my readers would like it." So this man is playing at god, trying to control life, death, and fate themselves? What foolishness! Clearly, only you can do such things, and you do them best! Over the course of the strategy, prove your superiority to this “Jack Aurel“ and take him down a notch! (Character Specific)
???	Jack Aurel	"Where the hell did you go?! Come out, you fucker!" It's now or never. This is the culmination of all of your plans, and failing is absolutely not an option here. During the fight, hold nothing back, and make sure to thoroughly defeat your opponents so that no one and nothing will ever stand in your way again!

(Jack sheet plain text version)
Link to the Official Player Spreadsheet
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Mary’s cup became full as the waiter poured the substance. The wine smelled of grapes and memories, strong, intoxicating, yet a substance that would soon disappear. Across the table sat her boyfriend, a cool man. She couldn’t exactly call him cold, but cool. His short black hair shined from a slight greasing, his green eyes hidden by the dim lights of the restaurant. His eyes traced her face for a reason she didn’t fully understand. He wanted her mouth, slightly aroused, she sensed.
Around them, people chatted politely, minding their manners. The noise echoed in a unison, one and yet apart. The wood beneath her feet vibrated to the motion of others. Servers came to the beck and call of their guests. People wore designer clothing of all colors, not gaudy, suited for the evening in the respectable atmosphere.
Perhaps they demanded respect, Mary thought to herself. She pulled a long strand of blonde hair rudely behind her ear.
“So, Alex? Are you going to be coming to dinner on Thursday night with my parents?”
“I have prior engagements,” he replied. The tone of his voice stood aloft, distant with his mind distracted by work, by rituals. The white shirt he wore reflected the light and neglected the stains.
“It would mean a lot to me if you could cancel those plans,” Mary said.
Alex ignored her.
Mary hated Alex sometimes. He was always about himself, never caring about her needs and wants. Her gown annoyed her, and she shifted in the seat, not sure of how to respond.
“May I ask, are you ready for the check?” The waiter asked, a tall man much like a tree in a hidden forest.
“Yes, please.”
Annoyed, frustrated, and angry Mary marched into the parking lot with the will of a private ready for battle. The slick black car came to life as Alex hit the button. The rain saturated outside smelled seductively of flowers and paradise. Somewhere, Mary couldn’t find.
“I’m sick of it, Alex!”
“You’re sick of what, Mary? You’re so emotional.” He opened her car door.
“I can do that myself.”
“I’m sure you could,” Alex replied. His eyes traced her legs and projected an air of forgiveness.
A flower is designed by nature to look beautiful.
“It’s always all about you!”
“Not again, Mary.” His tone became hostile and dominating.
“What? You don’t want to listen to me?”
“I can hear you as clear as day,” Alex responded. The moon peeked out of the clouds.
Mary turned her attention the homeless man on the street.
The world is so cruel, she thought.
A few weeks passed, and Mary’s depression grew into a monster consuming her. The nights rattled with words she didn’t want to hear, the light rose and fell from the sky, not caring about taking its time, and the cat wouldn’t stop meowing.
That damn cat, Mary thought. I fed him already.
The droll drum of life pulled at her. She tried to open a book but lacked the appetite to read it. Some romance. Something she didn’t have. Something more.
Love needs to be nurtured, she told herself. Love needs to be whole. I need love in my life.
She left her house and went outside to her car. The green paint reflected the strong glare of the sun. By that time, it was almost noon. A breeze blew through the area, a few misfits left their high trees destined to dry up and little wherever they went.
Mary stopped at a little diner on the outskirts of the city, the area humble and modest, boasting only about the fried chicken on the menu.
“What can I get you?” The server asked.
“I’d like a salad with extra tomatoes,” she replied.
“Comin’ right up!”
The crisp lettuce and crunchy croutons rolled around her mouth, satisfying her hunger. Around her sat the regulars. She knew them well, as she stopped in this small place often.
Bob, an old man with a white beard eyed her from across the room. He turned away, and Mary couldn’t see the expression on his face but could smell the musk of his body a mile away. It interested her senses, not repulsing them.
Mark came out of the kitchen.
“Hey, Mary,” Mark said in an enthusiastic tone. “What’s in the head?”
“The usual, boring life, boyfriend problems, and school.”
“Problems are easy to solve when one wants a solution.”
“Not for me.”
“Sometimes, the simplest solution is the best. Ever heard of Occam’s razor?” he returned. “Then again, “Eyes can only see what he [or she] is seeking.”
“What?”
“Oh, ignore me. I’m a philosophy junkie, remember?”
“Yeah, yeah.”
“I love knowledge. The end justifies the means.”
“If you say so.”
“Well, I have to get back to work. We all know only fools get philosophy degrees. Socrates died just the same.” His red hair shifted as he pushed the plastic door open and went back to frying that good old chicken.
I don’t understand him, Mary said to herself.
Mary drove to the park. The nice afternoon inspired her feelings, and she let her mind wander in fantasy. The words made no sense to her, the feelings did.
A homeless man woke up from the adjacent park bench and came over to her.
“Do you got change?” The asked.
Pulled from her thoughts, Mary was slightly surprised.
“Um, yeah, sure.”
The man moaned in pain.
“Are you okay, sir?” Mary asked.
“I’ve got them years on me. They tattle on old bones. You don’t happen to have a cigarette, do you?”
“No, no, I don’t smoke.”
“You’ll live longer.”
Mary didn’t know what to say. She felt so much sympathy for this man. He seemed so kind and gentle. What had he done to deserve such a fate?
“I’ll tell how I feel,” the man said. He grunted a little more. “I grew up in there Mississippi. My mom did the best she could in rags, and my dad had a love of them women, the kind who like shiny things.
One night, we went to the casino for a good meal, as dad had promised my mother. We ate it up good then couldn’t pay. So we got ourselves banned from the place.
I’ve rambled around the gutters ever since cause my momma left pa, and I’ve seen all sorts of fools and wise men. When they’re in that environment, you can’t tell them apart.
I’m trying to get me, my woman back. She has a habit and had been on the streets again. I tell her it over and over, it ain’t gonna heal nothing. Stones are graves, too”
“I’m so sorry to hear that.”
“What did you ever do?”
“Nothing.”
“Well, then, I best be on my way. Thanks for the cash. It’s not enough for a woman, but I can get some of that fine whiskey.”
A duck followed by spring’s ducklings made their way to the small lake.
What a cute sight, she told herself. They know just what to do.
Mary walked across the park to the zin garden. Many of the blossoms reached toward the sun, full of the light’s radiance. The plants were strong and green. The dirt stayed humble.
Some people have rotten luck. They try and try but don’t get anywhere. What a wicked world.
“Do you know what time it is?” A man asked her. She turned around and saw him dressed in comfortable attire, a jogging suit with a coffee stain. The sight relaxed her.
“It’s two.”
“Thanks, my name is Roger. What is yours?”
“I’m Mary,” she replied.
“Would you like to walk around the pond with me? I know they call it a lake, but it isn’t.” He smelled like a man’s sweat, inspiring.
“Sure.”
“So, what’s your story?” He asked.
“I don’t have a story,” she replied.
‘Everyone has a story…”
“I guess. I had a normal childhood, lots of friends and parties, but I felt and still feel empty somehow like I’m missing something.”
“Love.”
“Yes, love.” Mary’s cheeks flushed at the thought. The emotion possessed her.
“It’s definitely a strong emotion. I like strong emotions.”
“Why?”
“Because they’re wild and free, but they don’t beat the grave.”
“Ah, yes, we have but a short time on Earth,” Mary replied. She knew Roger could see her flush. For some reason, she liked that.
They went around the lake and then parted ways. He slipped her a piece of paper with his number on it. She shoved it into her pocket quickly. When she arrived to her car, she sighed.
Later that night, she toyed with the phone. She didn’t want to call him too quickly, didn’t want to appear too desperate.
Her cat annoyed her again.
“Buttercup, shut up!” She yelled. The cat turned around and showed Mary her butt.
Love is an emotion! Love is a great thing! What is the purpose of life but to love?
A few days passed, and she became bold enough to dial Roger’s number.
“Hello,” he responded.
“Yes, hi, I had a great time with you at the park.”
“I had a great time with you, too. I don’t want to be too quick, but would you like to come over to my apartment? I’ll text you the address. I have a few friends over.”
“I’d love to!”
Mary grabbed the expensive purse that Alex bought for her from Italy. The leather still appeared brand new, like desire.
The apartment’s crumbled exterior fell beyond humble, but Mary didn’t care. An urge drove her, compelled her to move forward.
“It’s great to see you. This is John, Randy, and Bill.” The men wore greasy t-shirts. They held glasses of whiskey and Bill had a joint.
So different, Mary thought.
The five sat down on the smelly sofa.
“Would you like a blunt?” Roger asked Mary.
“Um, I don’t do drugs.”
“You have to try them if you’ve never done them. We have to broaden our experience, man. I’ll get you something to drink, too, to loosen you up.”
“Thanks,” Mary said.
The liquor burned as it went down her throat. The weed relaxed her muscles and her mind. She felt open to the world and it closed on hers.
Her mind became fuzzy like fizz.
Soon, she felt hands on her. In a surprise, she pulled away, but her body lacked strength.
Roger went inside her. His face kept pulsing and lights changed colors around his body.
She laughed and felt a rush of sensation.
“I’m so stoned. This is so cool,” she told him. He carried on, happier than ever.
They both were.
There. Together.
Forever.

[This originally began as a response to FellowHuman007 on his latest post R-E-S-P-E-C-T, and he's the one I'm addressing initially. But as I eclipsed their magical two paragraph post limit, it quickly became apparent that my ideas are all but wasted over there, where they will be ignored and tone-policed into obscurity, so fuck it. It's my absolute honor to post here instead. What follows my initial response to him is a meditation on the meaning of the word "cult".]
I notice you have a penchant for spinning topics in the manner of a journalist or politician. Seems to be your go-to strategy... reframing something in a way that makes it sound more like something your opponent doesn't want to hear. Which is cool, but the thing about spin is that it it doesn't have any substance, and it can easily be spun back.
For example: On two separate occasions, you made mention of the rather important stance we take on our sub against private messages being sent to our contributors of such a nature that would not be allowed publicly on the forum. It's a crucial point for maintaining the integrity of a forum such as ours. It's something we can't prevent from happening in the first place, but we can still discourage the practice by calling it out publicly when it happens.
The way you chose to frame it, for some reason -- twice -- was as an issue of free speech: Oh, we here at MITA are so libertarian that we would never try and restrict anyone's personal communications like they do over there at WB.. If you want to chat at the mods or anyone else here, feel free to do so!
That was cute and all, and it's your right to put things however you want, but it was still an obvious pivot away from the reality of the situation. What if we brought it back to a more neutral conception, and asked it like this: "Is it understandable that a forum which exists as a safe space for people trying to leave a group, would maintain a stance against it's contributors being privately messaged by active members of said group?" I don't think anybody would have a problem saying yes to that, if you were to poll people on the street for example. It sounds like the most reasonable thing in the world.
And what if we even spun the idea into even more unfavorable territory by asking it this way: "Can you understand why an anti-cult message board would have an issue with having its contributors being messaged by members of the the exact cult it exists to denounce?". I think everyone would still be on board with that, including members of the SGI itself, so long as they didn't know it was their group being discussed.
And what if we spun it even further? "Is it reasonable for the mods of an anti-cult forum to be pissed off at the idea of having its contributors -- especially the newest ones who are likely in a very confused and fragile emotional state as they undergo one of the biggest transition periods of their lives -- made easy targets for emotional manipulation by heedless members of the group everyone there is desperate to escape?". I still think most people would say yes to that as well, although at that level of vehemence it would become obvious that I'm doing some spinning of my own, and that I sound a little biased. Would I feel justified in saying it that way? Absolutely, but by the same token, adding too much spin to our ideas takes something away from their believability.
You know, I hear what Andinio is saying, which is that if the basis of our disagreement is going to be one of spin, then it'll never be possible to make any progress. One side says one thing, the other side spins it back. So he makes his appeal to objectivity, in the form of suggesting we stick to some kind of sources, and do "line-by-line readings" in search of something objectively true we can discuss. Which doesn't make a whole lot of sense for our purposes over at WB, because we're not a religious discussion board, but I get where he's coming from. We're looking for something objective to say about a subject that is essentially mystical, and also defined by the vagaries of human interaction.
And with so much about this topic being so very subjective and personal (what does it even mean to say that a practice "works", for example), we all would do well to allow that everyone understands the subject a little differently.
But the reason we're not afraid to debate you on any aspect of it, is because we believe that if there is terra firma in this sprawling sociological discussion, we're the ones standing directly on it. The anti-cult side roots all of its arguments in the ethos that individuals are not to blame for the effects of a broken system, which can still have the most beautiful people in the world in it, but be fundamentally flawed or designed in some way to take advantage.
It's like how you can go into a casino and point out all the little ways the place is designed to mess with your mind while also stacking the odds against you. It doesn't mean you still can't go to the casino and have a great time, and some people (relatively few) come out ahead, but the objective truth is that the experience is designed to be unfair.
That's where the "cult" designation comes from, and it doesn't just belong to the SGI, not by a long shot. It can be applied to all sorts of things, like multi-level marketing for example, where the selling of actual merchandise is just a cover for the real product, which is you. It's you they want -- your confidence, your loyalty, your effort, your enthusiasm, your connections and your money.
This is a thought I've had for some time now, which is that the definition of cult is missing something. It's too subjective. If you Google it, you find four definitions, saying that a cult is a group, it's a devoted group, it's religiously devoted to someone or something, and it's sometimes suspect. And that's all we get, which really does us no favors on the anti-cult advocacy side of things, because anyone who wants to defend a group could say that the common usage of the word is as a way of saying "a group I don't like", and they wouldn't be entirely wrong.
I know we have a very sensible 100-point checklist for things a cult does, but that's not quite the same as saying what one is.
What I propose is a fifth aspect to the word "cult", which would be, "any group that has recruitment as its primary purpose". This provides us with a simple criterion by which we could judge something's most fundamental reason for existing, which would exclude things like businesses and public services.
For example, a major sports team is not a cult, because it's a business. Its primary purpose is to make money. The fanbase of said team, however, could be described as a cult, because it exists just to exist.
(Of course this first example also highlights the issue of degree to which someone is devoted to something. The fan who watches the occasional game is perhaps in a different category of fan as those who get tattoos and engage in pregame rituals. There's still subjectivity there in terms of where that line is drawn.)
The department of sanitation in your city? Definitely not a cult. Its job is to pick up trash so we don't die.
Police department? Much tougher call, because so many aspects of it are in fact very fraternal, but not a cult because it fulfills a basic need.
A political governing body? Cult-like, potentially, but ultimately not a cult because it serves many purposes. A political party, however? Very much a cult, since it exists only to recruit people.
As mentioned before, multi-level marketing, for sure, if we make the case that selling of products is secondary to the real activity, which is recruitment. People do make money in pyramid schemes, but they are doing so as a cult.
Labor unions? Professional organizations? Nah. They have stated purposes of their own.
The army? Extremely cult-like, but no, the army is the army.
Street gang? Most definitely.
Government itself? In many respects, no, but a particular regime could be one... Or based on one, as is the case with so many politicians who belong to secret societies, and who put secret oaths ahead of their sworn duties.
How about major religions? Well, it's complicated, because of how interwoven a religion can be with all aspects of society and governance, but ultimately when you strip all that away, we see that religions, in their various forms, exist just to exist. I suppose religion lends itself to cult formation -- perhaps it's the basic template for the cult idea itself -- and it's up to individuals to actualize it or not. Certainly there are many, many cults within each major religion.
Perhaps the answer has something to do with there being different types of cults. Some recruit strangers and some don't. Some are benign or even beneficial, while others aren't. Take a fraternity, for example, or a sorority, or any other kind of secret society that exists. They are all cults, by multiple definitions, but by the same token that's not necessarily a bad thing. There are a lot of people out there, myself included, who would count joining an initiatory society (even one with no real secrets, and whose only real purpose was to drink beer), as one of the most important, defining, and valuable experiences of my entire life.
Which brings us to our friends at the SGI, which is really more of a co-ed fraternity than it is a religion. Much like with multi-level marketing, the ostensible activity -- which in this case would be behaving religiously towards a scroll -- is a cover story for what it really exists to do, which is to grow itself if possible, or at least remain viable. It makes no attempt to even look like it's using its vast financial and human resources for the benefit of anything other than itself, which makes it a very clear-cut example of something that exists only to further its own ends.
The SGI is most definitely a cult, by at least two definitions: that it exists primarily to recruit, and also in how it is a blatantly obvious example of a cult of personality.
And I'm glad I took the long way to get here, o ye who would take umbrage, so now you have some better sense of what I mean by that. There are different types of cults, not all of them are bad. Some are kind of nice. Perhaps even the same group can have levels to it, whereby some people can participate from the outside, while others are fully immersed in the cult aspects. There is a lot of variability within the basic concept.
What ultimately matters about a group, then, is its level of integrity. Is it upfront with people about what it is, or does it hide the essential fact? And does it use manipulative and unfair tactics to control people, or can it remain above that? Does the whole thing run on peer pressure or coercion?
Let's return to the example of a college frat. There are some bad frats out there, for certain, and others that are far more nice to those trying to enter, but what they all are -- in addition to being cults -- is upfront about what is going on. They sit you down at the beginning, once you signal your agreement to join, and explain the basic concept: For the next two-and-a-half months, we are going to make your life a living hell. No one's going to hit you, molest you, or put you in real danger, but you will be worked hard, kept very confused, and generally treated as a second-class citizen. But when it's over, it's over, and you'll be one of us. We do this because it's a hell of a ride, and because it solidifies the bonds within your group while also connecting you with a greater lineage."
And that, my friends -- no matter how uncouth and crazy and downright stupid or mean the next two-and-a-half months would get, is called honesty. The basic premise was never a secret to be discovered later. In that context, we were fully agreeing to be lied to, so that the lies weren't really lies, it was more like an interactive and very dramatic theatrical performance. And you know what? They were right. It was a lot of fun, I made some amazing friendships along the way, pushed myself well outside the comfort zone, and grew. I would do it all again.
But a frat is still a cult, by my own definition, with strong in-group bias, and persistent recruitment pressure. In fact, maybe that's why I never took the real plunge into SGI, is because I already belonged to a cult, and I had a sense for how one operates. Also, I know what hazing is, and I wasn't about to accept any of it from some kid twelve years my junior in a blue tie... especially when I DIDN'T sign up to do free labor, I DIDN'T sign up to be in a cult of personality, and the true nature of the experience is NOT fully explained upfront. You have to figure it out for yourself in the SGI that they are trying to use you and make you spend your social capital, because they aren't honest about it when they are lovebombing you and foisting a scroll upon you.
THAT'S what makes it problematic, is the lack of transparency, coupled with heavy doses of tried-and-true mental manipulation tactics of both a religious and a purely social nature.
I'm not going to pretend my frat ever made any kind of difference in the community. I mean there was that one time we recycled $600 dollars worth of Keystone Light cans to donate to the community center (doing our part!), but it remained pretty much on that token level. That's not what this is about. I'm not saying that a group should be judged by their works, or that a secret society necessarily has any obligation to help random strangers. No, the reason I'm not trying to criticize the SGI based on its complete lack of philanthropic activity (tempting as it is to do so), is because I also wouldn't the converse to be true: I wouldn't want to suggest that a group built on a dishonest premise could somehow be redeemed if it did nice things in the community. A dishonest premise is a dishonest premise, period.
So there you have it. I think the definition of the word cult should first be standardized into a simple yes or no proposition, with considerstion for how the same group can have both inner and outer circles. After that, each cult should be judged on its own merits in terms of transparency -- in other words, do people really know what they're signing up for? I do not think the word should be used in a stigmatizing way, or as a shorthand for "group I don't like", because to do so obscures the truth that cult-like groupings can be found almost anywhere you look in society. It's not so much anti-cult that I think we should be called to be, but rather anti-bad-cult, and the reason I say that is because I think the word should be normalized.
Humans are groupthink animals, much closer to sheep than lions, and the only reason cults work so well as vehicles for profit and power, and are also magnets for so many power-hungry individuals, is because we humans are so easily manipulable using predictable methods. And we're also very good at both policing and deceiving ourselves.
Okay, one more example of what I mean by a dishonest group. So there's this secret society, right? Rather famous and influential one, known for working initiates up this ladder that has 33 levels. I don't belong to it, but I once heard this description of how it works, and it was rather jarring. It starts out in the beginning with a simple phrase: "All we ask is trust", and you take the first set of oaths. Along the way, the oaths get more intense, and you actually start pledging loyalty to various deities. At each level: all we ask is trust. (If anyone ever says that to you, by the way, be highly suspicious). The idea is that the whole thing is building up to something, some kind of total commitment, some kind of act for you to perform, some kind of revelation about who runs the world and which deity is really behind the curtain. Something. And there you are standing in the presence of this huge revelation -- facing down something, perhaps, that if you had known what it was in the beginning, you wouldn't have even considered signing up in the first place -- except now you have the combined weight of having already said "I do" to these people thirty-two frickin times. The ladder is designed like a series of successive traps, such that when the moment comes, you won't be able to say no, even if you want to. So you take the leap of faith...
Do I know if any of that is true, or just a myth? No I do not. The point is that the principle is sound: if you want to get someone to go along with something they wouldn't normally want to, one way to do it is to put that thing behind a series of successive firewalls and make them feel like they're earning it. That's just one trick out of many.
So when we levy criticism at something like the SGI, it's done with an eye for how many of those types of tactics and mental traps does it actually employ? If there were none, and everything were completely transparent, there'd be nothing to criticize. But alas, the tricks are there. Of course it's not full-on black magic that this group is doing (it actually falls into the category known as grey magic, for anyone who's wondering), but there are still things about how it functions that are designed to ensnare.
It could be something as subtle as suggesting that your "karma" will go to shit if you leave, or any other way of taking advantage of people's superstition. As I wrote in my last essay, proselytizing is a suckers game, because it actually works to keep you enmeshed in the group. Giving an "experience" is by its very nature a dishonest act, because it is clearly expected of people to tell a certain kind of story. (When was the last time you heard an experience that said "I started chanting the other day, and then my laptop exploded and my cat ran away." I didn't think so.). Forcing people into leadership roles is an obvious tactic as well, and for many of us it was the reason we got out in the first place. Even the constant pressure to appear happy, including when you don't really that way on the inside, is a very unhealthy place to be and a major emotional trap.
And then it could be something as obvious as when a person feels entitled to send unsolicited messages of emotional guilting to participants on an anti-cult forum. Do you see how ill-mannered that is?
So if we're looking for objectivity in this discussion about psychology and group dynamics, I think it can easily be found by looking for these types of principles operating just under the surface of a group's workings. Then we can ask the basic question of: do people know what they're signing up for, or are they in for some kind of surprise? Perhaps not the easiest question to answer, given that some people seem to very much enjoy what the group has to offer, while others of us have regrets, but that's why there's such a vital need for forums such as this one, where people can give true reports of their real feelings and experiences, free from the social pressures and guilting of active cult members.
Thanks for reading! C U Last Tuesday!
Hai!