Disclaimer: I am not a financial advisor. This entire post represents my personal views and opinions, and should not be taken as financial advice (or advice of any kind whatsoever). I encourage you to do your own research, take anything I write with a grain of salt, and hold me accountable for any mistakes you may catch. Also, full disclosure, I hold a net long position in GME, but my cost basis is very low (average ~$67--I have to admit, the drop today was too tasty so my cost basis went up from yesterday)/share with my later buys averaged in), and I'm using money I can absolutely lose. My capital at risk and tolerance for risk generally is likely substantially different than yours. In this post I will go a little further and speculate more than I'd normally do in a post due to the questions I've been getting, so fair warning, some of it might be very wrong. I suspect we'll learn some of the truth years from now when some investigative journalist writes a book about it.
Thank you everyone for the comments and questions on the first and second post on this topic.
Today was a study in the power of fear, courage, and the levers you can pull when you wield billions of dollars...
Woops, excuse me. I'm sorry hedge fund guys... I meant trillions of dollars--I just briefly forget you control not just your own but a lot of other peoples' money too for a moment there.
Also, for people still trading this on market-based rationale (as I am), it was a good day to measure the conviction behind your thesis. I like to think I have conviction, but in case you are somehow not yet familiar with the legend of DFV, you need to see these posts (fair warning, nsfw, and some may be offended/triggered by the crude language). The last two posts might be impressive, but you should follow it in chronological order and pay attention to the evolution of sentiment in the comments to experience true enlightenment.
Anyway, I apologize, but this post will be very long--there's just a lot to unpack.

Pre-Market

Disclaimer: given yesterday's pre-market action I didn't even pay attention to the screen until near retail pre-market. I'm less confident in my ability to read what's going on in a historical chart vs the feel I get watching live, but I'll try.
Early in the pre-market it looks to me like some momentum traders are taking profit, discounting the probability that the short-side will give them a deep discount later, which you can reasonably assume given the strategy they ran yesterday. If they're right they can sell some small volume into the pre-market top, wait for the hedge funds try to run the price back down, and then lever up the gains even higher buying the dip. Buy-side here look to me like people FOMOing and YOLOing in at any price to grab their slice of gainz, or what looks to be market history in the making. No way are short-side hedge funds trying to cover anything at these prices.
Mark Cuban--well said! Free markets baby!
Mohamed El-Erian is money in the bank as always. "upgrade in quality" on the pandemic drop was the best, clearest actionable call while most were at peak panic, and boy did it print. Your identifying the bubble as the excessive short (vs blaming retail activity) is money yet again. Also, The PAIN TRADE (sorry, later interview segment I only have on DVR, couldn't find on youtube--maybe someone else can)!
The short attack starts, but I'm hoping no one was panicking this time--we've seen it before. Looks like the momentum guys are minting money buying the double dip into market open.
CNBC, please get a good market technician to explain the market action. Buy-side dominance, sell-side share availability evaporating into nothing (look at day-by-day volume last few days), this thing is now at runaway supercritical mass. There is no changing the trajectory unless you can change the very fabric of the market and the rules behind it (woops, I guess I should have knocked on wood there).
If you know the mechanics, what's happening in the market with GME is not mysterious AT ALL. I feel like you guys are trying to scare retail out early "for their own good" (with all sincerity, to your credit) rather than explain what's happening. Possibly you also fear that explaining it would equate to enabling/encouraging people to keep trying to do it inappropriately (possibly fair point, but at least come out and say that if that's the case). Outside the market, however...wow.

You Thought Yesterday Was Fear? THIS is Fear!

Ok short-side people, my hat is off to you. Just when I thought shouting fire in a locked theater was fear mongering poetry in motion, you went and took it to 11. What's even better? Yelling fire in a theater with only one exit. That way people can cause the financial equivalent of stampede casualties. Absolutely brilliant.
Robin Hood disables buying of GME, AMC, and a few of the other WSB favorites. Other brokerages do the same. Even for people on 0% margin. Man, and here I thought I had seen it all yesterday.
Side note: I will give a shout out to TD Ameritrade. You guys got erroneously lumped together with RH during an early CNBC segment, but you telegraphed the volatility risk management changes and gradually ramped up margin requirements over the past week. No one on your platform should have been surprised if they were paying attention. And you didn't stop anyone from trading their own money at any point in time. My account balance thanks you. I heard others may have had problems, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt given the DDOS attacks that were flyiing around
Robin Hood. Seriously WTF. I'm sure it was TOTALLY coincidence that your big announcements happen almost precisely when what has to be one of the best and most aggressive short ladder attacks of all time starts painting the tape, what looked like a DDOS attack on Reddit's CDN infrastructure (pretty certain it was the CDN because other stuff got taken out at the same time too), and a flood of bots hit social media (ok, short-side, this last one is getting old).
Taking out a large-scale cloud CDN is real big boy stuff though, so I wouldn't entirely rule out nation state type action--those guys are good at sniffing out opportunities to foment social unrest.
Anyway, at this point, as the market dives, I have to admit I was worried for a moment. Not that somehow the short-side would win (hah! the long-side whales in the pond know what's up), but that a lot of retail would get hurt in the action. That concern subsided quite a bit on the third halt on that slide. But first...
A side lesson on market orders
Someone printed bonus bank big time (and someone lost--I feel your pain, whoever you are).
During the face-ripping volatility my play money account briefly ascended to rarified heights of 7 figures. It took me a second to realize it, then another second to process it. Then, as soon as it clicked, that one, glorious moment in time was gone.
What happened?
During the insane chop of the short ladder attack, someone decided to sweep the 29 Jan 21 115 Call contracts, but they couldn't get a grip on the price, which was going coast to coast as IV blew up and the price was being slammed around. So whoever was trying to buy said "F it, MARKET ORDER" (i.e. buy up to $X,XXX,XXX worth of contracts at any price). This is referred to as a sweep if funded to buy all/most of the contracts on offer (HFT shops snipe every contract at each specific price with a shotgun of limit orders, which is far safer, but something only near-market compute resources can do really well). For retail, or old-tech pros, if you want all the contracts quickly, you drop a market order loaded with big bucks and see what you get... BUT, some clever shark had contracts available for the reasonable sum of... $4,400, or something around that. I was too stunned to grab a screencap. The buy market order swept the book clean and ran right into that glorious, nigh-obscene backstop limit. So someone got nearly $440,000 PER CONTRACT that was, at the time theoretically priced at around $15,000. $425,000 loss... PER CONTRACT. Maybe I'm not giving the buyer enough credit.. you can get sniped like that even if you try to do a safety check of the order book first, but, especially in low liquidity environments, if a HFT can peak into your order flow (or maybe just observes a high volume of sweeps occurring), they can end up front running your sweep, pick off the reasonable contracts, and slam a ridiculous limit sell order into place before your order makes it to the exchange. Either way, I hope that sweep wasn't loaded for bear into the millions. If so... OUCH. Someone got cleaned out.
So, the lesson here folks... in a super high volatility, low-liquidity market, a market order will just run up the ladder into the first sell order it can find, and some very brutal people will put limit sells like that out there just in case they hit the jackpot. And someone did. If you're on the winning side, great. It can basically bankrupt you if you're on the losing side. My recommendation: Just don't try it. I wouldn't be surprised if really shady shenanigans were involved in this, but no way to know (normally that's crazy-type talk, but after today....peeking at order flow and sniping sweeps is one of the fastest, most financially devastating ways to bleed big long-side players, just sayin').
edit *so while I was too busy trying not to spit out my coffee to grab a screenshot, piddlesthethug was faster on the draw and captured this: https://imgur.com/gallery/RI1WOuu
Ok, so I guess my in-the-moment mental math was off by about 10%. Man, that hurts just thinking about the guy who lost on that trade.*
Back to the market action..

A Ray of Light Through the Darkness

So I was worried watching the crazy downward movement for two different reasons.
On the one hand, I was worried the momentum pros would get the best discounts on the dip (I'll admit, I FOMO'd in too early, unnecessarily raising my cost basis).
On the other hand, I was worried for the retail people on Robin Hood who might be bailing out into incredibly steep losses because they had only two options: Watch the slide, or bail. All while dealing with what looked to me like a broad-based cloud CDN outage as they tried to get info from WSB HQ, and wondering if the insta-flood of bot messages were actually real people this time, and that everyone else was bailing on them to leave them holding the bag.
But I saw the retail flag flying high on the 3rd market halt (IIRC), and I knew most would be ok. What did I see, you ask? Why, the glorious $211.00 / $5,000 bid/ask spread. WSB Reddit is down? Those crazy mofos give you the finger right on the ticker tape. I've been asked many times in the last few hours about why I was so sure shorts weren't covering on the down move. THIS is how I knew. For sure. It's in the market data itself.
edit So, there's feedback in the comments that this is likely more of a technical glitch. Man, at least it was hilarious in the moment. But also now I know maybe not to trust price updates when the spread between orders being posted is so wide. Maybe a technical limitation of TOS
I'll admit, I tried to one-up those bros with a 4206.90 limit sell order, but it never made it through. I'm impressed that the HFT guys at the hedge fund must have realized really quickly what a morale booster that kind of thing would have been, and kept a lower backstop ask in place almost continuously from then on I'm sure others tried the same thing. Occasionally $1,000 and other high-dollar asks would peak through from time to time from then on, which told me the long-side HFTs were probably successfully sniping the backstops regularly.
So, translating for those of you who found that confusing. First, such a high ask is basically a FU to the short-side (who, as you remember, need to eventually buy shares to cover their short positions). More importantly, as an indicator of retail sentiment, it meant that NO ONE ELSE WAS TRYING TO SELL AT ANY PRICE LOWER THAN $5,000. Absolutely no one was bailing out.
I laughed for a minute, then started getting a little worried. Holy cow.. NO retail selling into the fear? How are they resisting that kind of price move??
The answer, as we all know now... they weren't afraid... they weren't even worried. They were F*CKING PISSED.
Meanwhile the momentum guys and long-side HFTs keep gobbling up the generously donated shares that the short-side are plowing into their ladder attack. Lots of HFT duels going on as long-side HFTs try to intercept shares meant to travel between short-side HFT accounts for their ladder. You can tell when you see prices like $227.0001 constantly flying across the tape. Retail can't even attempt to enter an order like that--those are for the big boys with privileged low-latency access.
The fact that you can even see that on the tape with human eyes is really bad for the short-side people.
Why, you ask? Because it means liquidity is drying up, and fast.

The Liquidity Tide is Flowing Out Quickly. Who's Naked (short)?

Market technicals time. I still wish this sub would allow pictures so I could throw up a chart, but I guess a table will do fine.

Date	Volume	Price at US Market Close
Friday, 1/22/21	197,157,196	$65.01
Monday, 1/25/21	177,874,00	$76.79
Tuesday, 1/26/21	178,587,974	$147.98
Wednesday, 1/27/21	93,396,666	$347.51
Thursday, 1/28/21	58,815,805	$193.60

What do I see? I see the shares available to trade dropping so fast that all the near-exchange compute power in the world won't let the short-side HFTs maintain order flow volume for their attacks. Many retail people asking me questions thought today was the heaviest trading. Nope--it was just the craziest.
What about the price dropping on Thursday? Is that a sign that the short-side pulled a miracle out and pushed price down against a parabolic move on even less volume than Wednesday? Is the long side running out of capital?
Nope. It means the short-side hedge funds are just about finished.
But wait, I thought the price needed to be higher for them to be taken out? How is it that price being lower is bad for them? Won't that allow them to cover at a lower price?
No, the volume is so low that they can't cover any meaningful fraction of their position without spiking the price parabolic almost instantly. Just not enough shares on offer at reasonable prices (especially when WSB keeps flashing you 6942.00s).
It's true, a higher price hurts, but the interest charge for one more day is just noise at this point. The only tick that will REALLY count is the last tick of trading on Friday.
In the meantime, the price drop (and watching the sparring in real time) tells me that the long-side whales and their HFT quants are so certain of the squeeze that they're no longer worried AT ALL about whether it will happen, and they aren't even worried at all about retail morale to help carry the water anymore.
Instead, they're now really, really worried about how CHEAPLY they can make it happen.
They are wondering if they can't edge out just a sliver more alpha out of what will already be a blow-out trade for the history books (probably). You see, to make it happen they just have to keep hoovering up shares. It doesn't matter what those shares cost. If you're certain that the squeeze is now locked in, why push the price up and pay more than you have to? Just keep pressing hard enough to force short-side to keep sending those tasty shares your way, but not so much you move the price. Short-side realizes this and doesn't try to drive price down too aggressively. They can't afford to let price run away, so they have to keep some pressure on at the lowest volume they can manage, but they don't want to push down too hard and give the long-side HFTs too deep of a discount and bleed their ammo out even faster. That dynamic keeps price within a narrow (for GME today, anyway) trading range for the rest of the day into the close.
Good plan guys, but those after market people are pushing the price up again. Damnit WSB bros and Euros, you're costing those poor long-side whales their extra 0.0000001% of alpha on this trade just so you can run up your green rockets... See, that's the kind of nonsense that just validates Lee Cooperman's concerns.
On a totally unrelated note, I have to say that I appreciate the shift in CNBC's reporting. Much more thoughtful and informed. Just please get a good market technician in there who will be willing to talk about what is going on under the hood if possible. A lot of people watching on the sidelines are far more terrified than they need to be because it all looks random to them. And they're worried that you guys look confused and worried--and if the experts on the news are worried....??!
You should be able to find one who has access to the really good data that we retailers can only guess at, who can explain it to us unwashed masses.

Ok, So.. Questions

There is no market justification for this. How can you tell me is this fundamentally sound and not just straight throwing money away irresponsibly?? (side note: not that that should matter--if you want to throw your money away why shouldn't you be allowed to?)
We're not trading in your securities pricing model. This isn't irrational just because your model says long and short positions are the same thing. The model is not a real market. There is asymmetrical counterparty risk here given the shorts are on the hook for all the money they have, and possibly all the money their brokers have, and possibly anyone with exposure to the broker too! You may want people to trade by the rules you want them to follow. But the rest of us trade in the real market as it is actually implemented. Remember? That's what you tell the retailers who take their accounts to zero. Remember what you told the KBIO short-squeezed people? They had fair warning that short positions carry infinite risk, including more than your initial investment. You guys know this. It's literally part of your job to know this.
But-but-the systemic risk!! This is Madness!
...Madness?
THIS. IS. THE MARKET!!! *Retail kicks the short-side hedge funds down an infinity loss black hole\*.
Ok, seriously though, that is actually a fundamentally sound, and properly profit-driven answer at least as justifiable as the hedge funds' justification for going >100% of float short. If they can be allowed to gamble INFINITE LOSSES because they expect to make profit on the possibility the company goes bankrupt, can't others do the inverse on the possibility the company I don't know.. doesn't go bankrupt and gets a better strategy from the team that created what is now a $43bn market cap company (CHWY) that does exactly some of the things GME needs to do (digital revenue growth) maybe? I mean, I first bought in on that fundamental value thesis in the 30s and then upped my cost basis given the asymmetry of risk in the technical analysis as an obvious no-brainer momentum trade. The squeeze is just, as WSB people might say, tendies raining down from on high as an added bonus.
I get that you disagree on the fundamental viability of GME. Great. Isn't that what makes a market?
Regarding the consequences of a squeeze, in practice my expectation was maybe at worst some kind of ex-market settlement after liquidation of the funds with exposure to keep things nice and orderly for the rest of the market. I mean, they handled the VW thing somehow right? I see now that I just underestimated elite hedge fund managers though--those guys are so hardcore (I'll explain why I think so a bit lower down).
If hedge fund people are so hardcore, how did the retail long side ever have a chance of winning this squeeze trade they're talking about?
Because it's an asymmetrical battle once you have short interest cornered. And the risk is also crazily asymmetrical in favor of the long side if short interest is what it is in GME. In fact, the hedge funds essentially cornered themselves without anyone even doing anything. They just dug themselves right in there. Kind of impressive really, in a weird way.
What does the short side need to cover? They need the price to be low, and they need to buy shares.
How does price move lower? You have to push share volume such that supply overwhelms demand and price therefore goes down (man, I knew econ 101 would come in handy someday).
But wait... if you have to sell shares to push the price down.. won't you just undo all your work when you have to buy it back to actually cover?
The trick is you have to push price down so hard, so fast, so unpredictably, that you SCARE OTHER PEOPLE into selling their shares too, because they're scared of taking losses. Their sales help push the price down for free! and then you scoop them up at discount price! Also, there are ways to make people scared other than price movement and fear of losses, when you get right down to it. So, you know, you just need to get really, really, really good at making people scared. Remember to add a line item to your budget to make sure you can really do it right.
On the other hand..
What does the long side need to do? They need to own as much of the shares as they can get their hands on. And then they need to hold on to them. They can't be weak hands either. They need to be hands that will hold even under the most intense heat of battle, and the immense pressure of mind-numbing fear... they need to be as if they were made of... diamond... (oh wow, maybe those WSB people kind of have a point here).
Why does this matter? Because at some point the sell side will eventually run out of shares to borrow. They simply won't be there, because they'll be safely tucked away in the long-side's accounts. Once you run out of shares to borrow and sell, you have no way to move the price anymore. You can't just drop a fat stack--excuse me, I mean suitcase (we're talking hedge fund money here after all)--of Benjamins on the ticker tape directly. Only shares. No more shares, no way to have any direct effect on the price whatsoever.
Ok, doesn't that just mean trading stops? Can't you just out-wait the long side then?
Well, you could.. until someone on the long side puts 1 share up on a 69420 ask, and an even crazier person actually buys at that price on the last tick on a Friday. Let's just say it gets really bad at that point.
Ok.. but how do the retail people actually get paid?
Well, to be quite honest, it's entirely up to each of them individually. You've seen the volumes being thrown around the past week+. I guarantee you every single retailer out there could have printed money multiple times trading that flow. If they choose to, and time it well. Or they could lose it all--this is the market. Some of them apparently seem to have some plan, or an implicit trust in certain individuals to help them know when to punch out. Maybe it works out, but maybe not. There will be financial casualties on the field for sure--this is the bare-knuckled capitalist jungle after all, remember? But everyone ponied up to the table with their own money somehow, so they all get to play in the big leagues just like everyone else. In theory, anyway.
And now, Probably the #1 question I've been asked on all of these posts has been: So what happens next? Do we get the infinity squeeze? Do the hedge funds go down?
Great questions. I don't know. No one does. That's what I've said every time, but I get that's a frustrating answer, so I'll write a bit more and speculate further. Please again understand these are my opinions with a degree of speculation I wouldn't normally put in a post.

The Market and the Economy. Main Street, Wall Street, and Washington

The pandemic has hurt so many people that it's hard to comprehend. Honestly, I don't even pretend to be able to. I have been crazy fortunate enough to almost not be affected at all. Honestly, it is a little unnerving to me how great the disconnect is between people who are doing fine (or better than fine, looking at my IRA) versus the people who are on the opposite side of the ever-widening divide that, let's be honest, has been growing wider since long before the pandemic.
People on the other side--who have been told they cannot work even if they want to, who wonder if congress will get it together to at least keep them from getting thrown out of their house if they have to keep taking one for the team for the good of all, are wondering if they're even living in the same reality.
Because all they see on the news each day is that the stock market is at record highs, or some amazing tech stocks have 10x'd in the last 6 months. How can that be happening during a pandemic? Because The Market is not The Economy. The Market looks forward to that brighter future that Economy types just need to wait for. Don't worry--it'll be here sometime before the end of the year. We think. We're making money on that assumption right now, anyway. Oh, by the way, if you're in The Market, you get to get richer as a minor, unearned side-effect of the solutions our governments have come up with to fight the pandemic.
Wow. That sounds amazing. How do I get to part of that world?
Retail fintech, baby. Physical assets like real estate might be a bit out of reach at the moment, but stocks will do. I can even buy fractional shares of BRK/A LOL.
Finally, I can trade for my own slice of heaven, watching that balance go up (and up--go stonks!!). Now I too get to dream the dream. I get to feel connected to that mythical world, The Market, rather than being stuck in the plain old Economy. Sure, I might blow up my account, but that's because it's the jungle. Bare-knuckled, big league capitalism going on right here, and at least I get to show up an put my shares on the table with everyone else. At least I'm playing the same game. Everyone has to start somewhere--at least now I get to start, even if I have to learn my lesson by zeroing my account a few times. I've basically had to deal with what felt like my life zeroing out a few times before. This is number on a screen going to 0 is nothing.
Laugh or cry, right? I'll post my losses on WSB and at least get some laughs.
Geez, some of the people here are making bank. I better learn from them and see if they'll let me in on their trades. Wow... this actually might work. I don't understand yet, but I trust these guys telling me to hold onto this crazy trade. I don't understand it, but all the memes say it's going to be big.
...WOW... I can pay off my credit card with this number. Do I punch out now? No? Hold?... Ok, getting nervous watching the number go down but I trust you freaks. We're still in the jungle, but at least I'm in with with my posse now. Market open tomorrow--we ride the rocket baby! And if it goes down, at least I'm going down with my crew. At least if that happens the memes will be so hilarious I'll forget to cry.
Wow.. I can't believe it... we might actually pull this off. Laugh at us now, "pros"!
We're in The Market now, and Market rules tell us what is going to happen. We're getting all that hedge fund money Right? Right?
Maybe.
First, I say maybe because nothing is ever guaranteed until it clears. Secondly, because the rules of The Market are not as perfectly enforced as we would like to assume. We are also finding out they may not be perfectly fair. The Market most experts are willing to talk about is really more like the ideal The Market is supposed to be. This is the version of the market I make my trading decisions in. However, the Real Market gets strange and unpredictable at the edges, when things are taken to extremes, or rules are pushed beyond the breaking point, or some of the mechanics deep in the guts of the Real Market get stretched. GME ticks basically all of those boxes, which is why so many people are getting nervous (aside from the crazy money they might lose). It's also important to remember that the sheer amount of money flowing through the market has distorting power unto itself. Because it's money, and people really, really, really like their money--especially when they're used to having a lot of it, and rules involving that kind of money tend to look more... flexible, shall we say.
Ok, back to GME. If this situation with GME is allowed to play out to its conclusion in The Market, we'll see what happens. I think all the long-side people get the chance to be paid (what, I'm not sure--and remember, you have to actually sell your position at some point or it's all still just numbers on your screen), but no one knows for certain.
But this might legitimately get so big that it spills out of The Market and back into The Economy.
Geez, and here I thought the point of all of this was so that we all get to make so much money we wouldn't ever have to think and worry about that thing again.
Unfortunately, while he's kind of a buzzkill, Thomas Petterfy has a point. This could be a serious problem.
It might blow out The Market, which will definitely crap on The Economy, which as we all know from hard experience, will seriously crush Main Street.
If it's that big a deal, we may even need Washington to be involved. Once that happens, who knows what to expect.. this kind of scenario being possible is why I've been saying I have no idea how this ends, and no one else does either.
How did we end up in this ridiculous situation? From GAMESTOP?? And it's not Retail's fault the situation is what it is.. why is everyone telling US that we need to back down to save The Market?? What about the short-side hedge funds that slammed that risk into the system to begin with?? We're just playing by the rules of The Market!!
Well, here are my thoughts, opinions, and some even further speculation... This may be total fantasy land stuff here, but since I keep getting asked I'll share anyway. Just keep that disclaimer in mind.

A Study in Big Finance Power Moves: If you owe the bank $10,000, it's your problem...

What happens when you owe money you have no way to pay back? It's a scary question to have to face personally. Still, on balance and on average, if you're fortunate enough to have access to credit the borrowing is a risk that is worth taking (especially if you're reasonably careful). Lenders can take a risk loaning you money, you take a risk by borrowing in order to do something now that you would otherwise have had to wait a long time or maybe would never have realistically been able to do otherwise. Sometimes it doesn't work out. Sometimes it's due to reasons totally beyond your control. In any case, if you find yourself there you have no choice but to dust yourself off, pick yourself up as best as you can, and try to move on and rebuild. A lot of people had to learn that in 2008. Man that year really sucked.
Wall street learned their lessons too. Most learned what I think most of us would consider the right lessons--lessons about risk management, and the need to guard vigilantly against systemic risk, concentration of risk through excess concentration of leverage on common assets, etc. Many suspect that at least a few others may have learned an entirely different set of, shall we say, unhealthy lessons. Also, to try to be completely fair, maybe managing other peoples' money on 10x+ leverage comes with a kind of pressure that just clouds your judgement. I could actually, genuinely buy that. I know I make mistakes under pressure even when I'm trading risk capital I could totally lose with no real consequence. Whatever the motive, here's my read on what's happening:
First, remember that as much fun as WSB are making of the short-side hedge fund guys right now, those guys are smart. Scary smart. Keep that in mind.
Next, let's put ourselves in their shoes.
If you're a high-alpha hedge fund manager slinging trades on a $20bn 10x leveraged to 200bn portfolio, get caught in a bad situation, and are down mark-to-market several hundred million.. what do you do? Do you take your losses and try again next time? Hell no.
You're elite. You don't realize losses--you double down--you can still save this trade no sweat.
But what if that doesn't work out so well and you're in the hole >$2bn? Obvious double down. Need you ask? I'm net up on the rest of my positions (of course), and the momentum when this thing makes its mean reversion move will be so hot you can almost taste the alpha from here. Speaking of momentum, imagine the move if your friends on TV start hyping the story harder! Genius!
Ok, so that still didn't work... this is now a frigging 7 sigma departure from your modeled risk, and you're now locked into a situation that is about as close to mathematically impossible to escape as you can get in the real world, and quickly converging on infinite downside. Holy crap. The fund might be liquidated by your prime broker by tomorrow morning--and man, even the broker is freaking out. F'in Elon Musk and his twitter! You're cancelling your advance booking on his rocket ship to Mars first thing tomorrow... Ok, focus--this might legit impact your total annual return. You need a plan, and you know the smartest people on the planet, right? The masters of the universe! Awesome--they've even seen this kind of thing before and still have the playbook!! Of course! It's obvious now--you borrow a few more billion and double down again first thing in the morning. So simple. Sticky note that Mars trip cancellation so you don't forget.
Ok... so that didn't work? You even cashed in some pretty heavy chits too. Ah well, that was a long shot anyway. So where were you? Oh yeah.. if shenanigans don't work, skip to page 10...
...Which says, of course, to double down again. Anyone even keeping track anymore? Oh, S3 says it's $40bn and we're going parabolic? Man, that chart gives me goosebumps. All according to plan...
So what happens tomorrow? One possible outcome of PURE FANTASTIC SPECULATION...
End of the week--phew. Never though it'd come. Where are you at now?... Over $9000^\)!!! Wow. You did it boys, and as a bonus the memes will be so sweet.
^\)side note: add 8 zeros to the end...
Awesome--your problems have been solved. Because...

..

BOOM

Now it's EVERYONE's problem. Come at me, Chamath, THIS is REAL baller shit.
Now all you gotta do is make all the hysterical retirees watching their IRAs hanging in the balance blame those WSB kids. Hahaha. Boomers, amirite? hate when those kids step on their law--I mean IRAs. GG guys, keep you memes. THAT is how it's done.
Ok, but seriously, I hope that's not how it ends. I guess we just take it day by day at this point.
Apologies for the length. Good luck in the market!
Also, apologies in advance for formatting, spelling, and grammatical errors. I was typing this thing in between doing all kinds of other things for most of the day.
Edit getting a bunch of questions on if it's possible the hedge funds are finding ways to cover in spite of my assumptions. Of course. I'm a retail guy trying to read the charts and price action. I don't have any special tools like the pros may have.

Addressing GME FUD & current situation

Fellow Mashed Potato Brains,
First – Monke Diamond Hands Banana Rocket Rocket Rocket Rocket Moon
This is not financial advice. This is speculation based on my limited understanding of SEC rules and documents. Sources linked. Please read edits.
TLDR: My opinion is that Shorts will continue to drive the price down with ladders and try to break the chain of consecutive days where GME is listed as a threshold security. ~~They need at least 1 non-Failure To Deliver day before EoD Thursday.~~ If ~~they~~ an individual short gets even 1 day without ~~aggregate~~ Failure To Deliver then the entire 13 consecutive day count restarts *for that short. ~~They~~ The shorts as a whole need 5 consecutive days without aggregate Failure To Deliver to have GME fully removed as a threshold security. Selling is good for them and bad for diamond hands. Ape strong together. Diamond Hands get the Rocket Ship. No idea if achieving 13 consecutive days will force the squeeze or not.

My opinion is that Shorts don’t plan to cover their position by Tuesday. They don’t have to. Instead, they will drive the price down for as many days as possible and attempt to break the chain of consecutive settlement (read: business) days where they fail to deliver. GME has been listed as a threshold security (see below) for 10 *37 consecutive business days (please check my math. I had to count on my fingers). *Individual Shorts (not the short collective as a whole) need to break their chain of failure to deliver on that threshold security before it reaches 13 consecutive business days. “Participants of a registered clearing agency must immediately purchase shares to close out fails to deliver in ‘threshold securities’ if the fails to deliver persist for 13 consecutive settlement days.” [SEC Rule 204] (link below)
If diamond handed monke can HOLD strong and reach 13 consecutive days *of failure to deliver* as a threshold security, then the shorts ~~will~~ (in theory) should have to cover the positions by buying GME shares or equivalent shares of like kind and quantity. ~~If maths good, that puts Thursday Feb 4th as day #13.~~ Ape hold strong.
**Edit 5: Math not good. Jan 18th was holiday. We are at 37 consecutive days. Edit 3 & 6 at bottom for more details.

We've seen confusion, fear, uncertainty, and doubt surrounding what happened Monday Feb 1st. Remember that FUD is one of their greatest weapons against retail investors right now. They want to use it to divide retail and to convince people to sell based on emotion. I’M NOT FUCKING SELLING!
Warning: I am not a financial professional or a financial advisor. I read at a grade-3 level. This is not financial advice.
- Read below here if you can or care.

Why no squeeze Monday after $320+ close on Friday?

Shorts weren’t required to cover their positions on Monday. I think that they have T+2 (time of close + 2 business days) to cover their position. If true, this means they have until EoD Tuesday to cover. After that, they will have failed to deliver on the security. That isn’t good for them, but it isn’t as bad as it sounds. Failure to deliver is like a steppingstone in the process. After 5 consecutive business days with *aggregate Failure To Deliver, the stock is listed as a threshold security. NYSE Threshold Securities can be checked here https://www.nyse.com/regulation/threshold-securities
It takes 13 consecutive days being listed as a threshold security before the positions must be closed (If the rules still apply to them). *I believe this is individual short positions that must be closed not all the shorts as a whole.*
So, instead of covering, shorts spent the day driving the price down to a more favorable position for them. They may have scared away some paper hands along the way too.

How does that help the shorts?

Lower price means it costs less to cover and the Shorts have more room to negotiate with other funds. A cheaper darkpool buyout is good for them. If they can lower it enough, covering becomes a non-issue compared to a full on squeeze.
Shorts want to avoid days where GME fails to deliver and they want to create non-Failure To Deliver days to break the chain of consecutive failures to deliver. This is easier for them if the price is lower.

So squeeze on Tuesday/Wednesday right?

I don’t think the squeeze happens Tuesday or Wednesday. I think the shorts are setting up the next part of their plan. I think if the squeeze happens this week, it happens because the shorts reach 13 consecutive days where they fail to deliver. This means diamond hands and limiting the number of cheap shares that shorts can buy after ladder attacks aka diamond hands.

We’ve heard this before. So what?

I agree with the idea that adding RC & friends to the board had a positive influence on the stock price. I don’t think that was the only thing happening when we saw price rise during mid-January. Going back to the idea of 13 consecutive days as a threshold security, we can refer to our NYSE tracker https://www.nyse.com/regulation/threshold-securities
~~Starting at the beginning of the year, we see that Jan 4th is the first day GME is marked as a threshold security~~.<- True but it was already listed as a threshold security starting Dec. 8th. It stays listed as a threshold security through Jan 15th. Remember we don’t count weekends so the count resumes January 19th (18th was a holiday) ~~January 18th. On the 18th, it falls off the list for the day and comes back on January 19th.~~ ~~Without this single day drop-off, the 13-day countdown would have ended at EoD Wednesday Jan 20th.~~ I believe that the price jump we saw can be partially attributed to the fact that *some of* the shorts NEEDED to avoid another Failure To Deliver or they would risk being uncovered. That was pre-spike. Now ~~they~~ some shorts are in a similar position closing in on *their own* 13th consecutive day. They will do whatever they can to avoid that 13th consecutive day because that means they will avoid having their record books searched through by someone outside their firm/fund.se
Threshold Securities
Def: Threshold Securities are equity securities that have an aggregate fail to deliver position for
· Five consecutive settlement days at a registered clearing agency; and
· Totaling 10,000 shares or more; and
· Equal to at least 0.5% of the issuer’s total shares outstanding.
If you see any mistakes or if I missed something, let me know. Looking to keep this as accurate and up to date as possible.
Relevant links
SEC - https://www.sec.gov/investopubs/regsho.htm
See rule 204 “Closing-out Requirements”
Edit: 'We must hang together or surely we shall all hang separately.' - maybe some smooth brain that has his face on money

Edit 2: It has been brought to my attention that I didn't count Jan. 18th as a holiday when checking the threshold securities list. Going back to check my work now and will mark any edits that are made. Information will not be removed, but I will do my best to address any mistakes I have made. Thank you for your help.

Edit 3: Dec. 25th, Jan. 1st, and Jan 18th were all holidays and NYSE was closed. Going back we see Dec. 8th has GME listed as a threshold security. It was correctly pointed out ( u/AlexGu812 ) that this brings us to 37 consecutive days. I don't know enough about this stuff to confidently say what that means. I think it may have to do with the close-out requirements or it could be a sign of bad faith actions. "The requirement to close out fail to deliver positions in threshold securities that remain for thirteen consecutive settlement days does not apply to any positions that were established prior to the security becoming a threshold security" <-- This may explain why we haven't seen mass closeouts despite passing the 13 day threshold.
Sourced from https://www.sec.gov/rules/final/34-50103.htm#P235_88503 - relevant section can be located with the find tool and typing "98". For me, it is 1 of 18. Clicking the 98 hyperlink will take you to a written example provided by the SEC.

Edit 4: If you feel this doesn't matter because the SEC won't enforce it then please consider contacting your representatives. Rules and regulations should be enforced. We can't encourage a lack of action just because things are hard or more complicated than we thought they would be.

Edit 6: The 37 consecutive days are the shit splatters on an otherwise decent toilet. Let's try to clean it up without automatically assuming foul play. This is a thought exercise, but I do not know if it holds true in the real world.
In the post, I refer to "The Shorts" as a collective, but that's incorrect to assume. Not all shorts are making the same decisions or acting at the same day/time. We know that Failure to Deliver is measured as an aggregate, which is a net balance. If delivered are (+) and failed are (-) then we can figure out if a security failed to deliver by seeing if the net total is positive or negative (my understanding is that as retail we get the data as it becomes available rather than being able to measure it ourselves in real time). Within that net total, some actors will deliver their shares and some will fail to deliver. Just because a security fails to deliver on the day doesn't mean every actor has failed to deliver. It just means the aggregate is net negative (for this example). If this line of thinking is correct, it is possible that no individual actor has failed to deliver a threshold security for 13 consecutive days.
Again, edit 6 is a thought exercise. Additional input, comments, criticism, and other lines of thinking are welcome.
~~Strikethrough~~ (removed) , * (added), and "edit #" are used to mark changes.

I watched 749 movies in 2020 including 636 feature length films, here's my takeaways

I'm an amateur film lover, as I'm sure many of the folks in /movies are. I will be the first to also admit that I was also one of the lucky ones last year to have 'boredom' as one of my biggest problems, and so to everyone reading this I hope you have a far better 2021.
Watching lots of movies isn't necessarily something new to me, especially in such a vast quantity, I watched a lot in 2019 as well and it's something that works for me. I know some people say they don't like watching so many in quick succession for various reasons, and that's cool, just know that this works for me and I like to think I have a fairly good memory of almost everything I've watched (certainly all of the ones that I've enjoyed). And I can safely say I don't feel burnout coming on either...at least not yet, fingers crossed.
I also feel we're incredibly lucky to live in the era that we live in, watching films has never been easier than it has now, there's so many ways, both legal and illegal. Just this year alone, we've had four major classics receive Blu-rays for the first time ever, Satantango, Los Olvidados, Roman Holiday and Beau Travail. I can't even begin to imagine how frustrating it must have been to be an amateur movie lover in previous decades without the conveniences we have today and without access to the benefits of being in film industry circles.
As a result, it becomes a case of, the more you watch, the more great movies you realise are out there and the 'never-ending watchlist syndrome' becomes a real thing. But I take that as a positive knowing that this isn't some tick-box exercise and that watching movies is a life-long journey. After all, we all watch movies for different reasons, sometimes to laugh, to kill time, to make us better people, for catharsis and various other purposes.
To keep this relatively short for the main post (I can detail further in the comments if anyone's interested) I'll post my top 5 (in no particular order) for each calendar month of 2020, varying from popular favourites to ones I feel like deserve way more attention in the general conversation.
FULL LIST HERE
Jan 2020

Le Cercle Rouge (1970) - The first film of the year I saw and only fitting because I adore Melville's work. Anyone who loves a good heist movie should absolutely do themselves a favour and watch this. What I love about Melville is how he uses action and silence to drive the story and build suspense rather than overload you with dialogue that would overexplain things you could figure out by just observing. Treating your audience with respect is the sign of a great filmmaker.
Seven Chances (1925) - Every Buster Keaton movie I watch, i'm more and more impressed with how much mileage he managed to get out of everything, from cameras, to sets, to space in the frame. For anyone looking to get into silent cinema, Buster Keaton is the most accessible place to start next to Charlie Chaplin. The blackface we could do without though.
Little Women (2019) - Greta Gerwig made the best adaptation of a book that has had like 8 adaptations before it, and some of them really good, she's a genius. That's all I have to say.
Mon Oncle (1958) - Tati's sense of humour is exactly my kind of humour. The production design in his films could have a book written on them. There's so much effort put into his films and watching them is a joy. There's no real structure to the movie as such, it's like a 2 hour string of gags put together all tied together by the central character of Monsieur Hulot who was the inspiration for Rowan Atkinson's Mr Bean. If something light-hearted and fun like this sounds like your thing then give it a shot.
Certain Women (2016) - Kelly Reichardt is one of the greatest American filmmakers working today and even though I haven't seen First Cow yet, I can safely say that it's hard to find many working right now more consistently good than her. There's a vignette with Kristen Stewart and Lily Gladstone that is one of the most heartbreaking portrayals of loneliness and unrequited love that I've ever seen.

Feb 2020

L'Argent (1983) - the best exploration of money, its corrupting effects, Bresson's one of my all-time favs. The acting is deliberately different to what you might expect from a conventional (Hollywood for example) movie but stick with it and you'll get something viciously scathing and cynical about the current state of society. Best part, it all takes place in less than 90 minutes.
Landscape in the Mist (1988) - I had a funny experience with Angelopoulos, i saw The Travelling Players first and it really bored me, then I saw this and Eternity and a Day and now he's one my all time favourite directors. One of the greatest child performances I've ever seen. Such a great exploration of the innocence of childhood, what happens when that innocence is taken away, the uncertainty from uncaring parents, and how to move beyond that and find peace and beauty in life
The Big City (1963) - Ray's direction in this is overwhelmingly good tbh. There's a scene where Ray uses mirrors which is so, so good. It's feminist without feeling preachy.
Portrait of a Lady on Fire (2019) - The last movie I saw in cinemas. Also Celine Sciamma, idk where I've been all this time, but I'm glad I've finally been introduced. I could go on and on about this movie. Watch this with headphones if you don't have a good sound system, it's worth listening to how much care was put into the audio-visual experience of this film. Most people seem to take their time syncing with the rhythm of this film until there's a scene (and you'll know when you see it) halfway through the movie where the film sort of transcends above everything it's being doing and then the rest of the movie flies by.
Bullitt (1968) - Think I could count on one hand the number of great car chases that exist in cinema, Bullitt has one of them. McQueen's just effortlessly good in this.

March 2020

Intolerable Cruelty (2003) - I really want this to get a critical re-appraisal. Maybe its because I'm a Coen Bros diehard but I find this hysterical and George Clooney bringing back Cary Grant's ghost from the past is a thing of beauty.
The Assassin (2015) - Don't mistake this for Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon 2.0 and you'll enjoy this. It's not as fast-paced and it doesn't want to be. But it's a memorable experience either way.
Toy Story 4 (2019) - I've been disappointed with Pixar in the last decade but this is proof that they won't drop the ball on the thing that made them iconic.
Eternity and a Day (1998) - see comments for Landscape in the Mist above. Also Eleni Karaindrou is in my top three composers of all time, her music alone is worth listening to even if Angelopoulos' films dont interest you.
Paddington (2014) - I'm using this as a spot to not just highlight this but also the sequel, for once I agree with Reddit, they backed the right movie and the circlejerk for Paddington is justified. So if youve not seen them, go do that, if you've seen them already well just do it again.

Apr 2020

Raw (2016) - I'm not a horror enthusiast, but this is definitely one I would recommend to everyone. Made me a bit queasy at times even though I'm not easily scared. The themes are explored in such a unique way.
The Koker Trilogy - Cheating a bit here, but I'm a sucker for meta cinema and Kiarostami's an all time great for me. They're all short in runtime but what they explore is enough for two trilogies let alone one. The first movie starts off quite simply and is very accessible, and it's also a movie that never feels like its exploiting the group of people its filming for the purposes of entertainment. In a more conventional movie, you could've expected a weepy melodrama about how hard the poor have it. The next two films then build on that and what cinema means as an artform and the meta connections that it creates become something else entirely. It'll leave you thinking over it all for a while.
Faces Places (2017) - Agnes Varda's a national treasure. Her work is ridiculously unpretentious and her life experience alone makes it worth listening to her, she always had fun and so did the audience too through her infectious personality and her endless curiosity for life. And best of all, its a short and sweet runtime.
Down by Law (1986) - Jim Jarmusch is the king of the hangout movie. Idk how he does it, one day I'll understand how he makes such low stakes movies seem so compelling but I'm not there yet.
Beetlejuice (1988) - I miss peak Tim Burton. I know Kevin Kline's Oscar that year is one of the few rare occurrences where a comedic performance won but Michael Keaton deserved it way more in my opinion. Without him, there is no movie. And the music choices are fantastic.

May 2020

Secrets and Lies (1996) - This could've been really silly in the wrong hands, its the kind of premise I might expect from an Adam Sandler comedy and yet it's genius.
Minding the Gap (2018) - The depiction of the lasting, ripple effect of domestic violence in this is so honest and raw and the way it's cut together is so fantastic. I'm so glad Bing Liu got the recognition he deserved for this.
Dogville (2003) - in a career full of provocations, von Trier's Dogville is maybe his greatest provocation. An experiment that pulled off and then some and so dense you could write a paper on this movie alone. I will say I had a funny experience with Dogville as I put it on one day and then I tried watching it and found the way it was shot quite distracting, but then something came up about 15-20 mins into the movie and I had to turn it off and restarted it the next day. The next day it just worked I guess because I was already aware that von Trier was using a completely different camera and it didn't bother me so much.
Faust (1926) - one of the absolute best silent films out there. Murnau's a goddamn master. Feels so modern, and for a tale that's been done to death, I do urge people to check out the first cinema adaptation because it's still fresh.
Man with a Movie Camera (1929) - I will admit, my stamina with experimental films is pretty limited but this was a blast, and it has more innovations in like 70 minutes than most decades of cinema do. The Michael Nyman score with this is highly recommended.

June 2020

Beau Travail - The ending to this is one of the best endings ever. I won't spoil for anyone who's not seen it. Definitely more austere and slower-paced for some but for those who sync with the rhythm, it's well worth it.
Scenes from a Marriage - In a well-worn subgenre, maybe the best movie about marriage and divorce ever?
What's Up Doc? - Really makes me wish the screwball comedy genre wasn't dead. Someone bring it back.
Da 5 Bloods - Honestly I really thought this was a blast, and another case of an auteur smuggling a great film into a genre flick.
A Hidden Life (2019) - I've not seen To the Wonder, Song to Song or Knight of Cups yet, but I'm just glad Terrence Malick is still making great movies. James Newton Howard and Jorg Widmer need way more recognition for their work on this for music and cinematography respectively.

July 2020

The Square (2017) - So apparently this is one of the more hated Palme d'Or winners but I loved it, Ruben Ostlund's keeps making movies and I'll keep watching them. I thought this was hilarious and really well acted.
Shoah (1985) - If there's a film on here I could get everyone to see, it would be this, but I have no misguided expectations considering the runtime and the material. But you could break it up into parts, there are clear stopping points in this. I would say it's the best thing I've seen this year. I think the way the Holocaust is taught in schools is not up to scratch at all and its the reason why antisemitism is still so present in society today. I think if everyone watched Shoah, it would do a good deal towards understanding how humans work and how something like this happened and how we can prevent it from ever happening again.
OJ Made in America (2016) - For a subject matter that has been written about ad nauseam with dozens of on-screen adaptations, docs and God knows what else, Ezra Edelman performed a goddamn miracle making something as good as this. One of the best examinations of how America reached the point that it's at right now.
Carlos (2010) - Cheating a bit here with this one, but seriously, Olivier Assayas what the fuck? How did you make something like this? Genuinely baffles me how Edgar Ramirez has been wasted ever since this movie came out. One of the best biopics I've ever seen and I think I had my heart in my mouth for the entire OPEC raid.
The Right Stuff (1983) - The editing in this is flawless, so many remarkable choices in the cutting department which is why this felt so well-paced for its length. It also has an ensemble cast that has become quite famous in the years which makes it worth the watch too. Definitely one to check out for any sci-fi or space movie enthusiasts. The satire in this is razor-sharp as well.

Aug 2020

Birth (2004) - Honestly feel like the flack for this was undeserved, Jonathan Glazer needs to be better funded. So well-shot, there's a long take in this that feels like it inspired Portrait of a Lady on Fire's ending. Nicole Kidman sells this as well, could've been bad in the wrong hands.
Winter Sleep (2014) - I'm a sucker for Nuri Bilge Ceylan's dialogue, he writes like no one I've ever seen. For anyone unfamiliar with him but familiar with Chekhov or Dostoevsky, do check his work out. It's one of those movies which really manages to capture the complexities of life and how no person is perfect and the importance of coming to grips with the positive things that 'shitty people' do and the bad things that 'good people' do. I love the climax to this film, one scene in particular and what it has to say about class and social differences.
An Elephant Sitting Still (2018) - Honestly this was 4 hours long but it felt like 2. There's no denying this is a heavy movie but for its subject matter, it seems to float through its runtime because of deeply you care about the characters by the end. It should feel very grim to get through and I guess it is in parts but you're so drawn into the world that it doesn't matter. RIP Hu Bo.
Happy Hour (2015) See above except 5 hours, however this is probably lighter in tone than An Elephant Sitting Still. It's the dynamic between the four leads, the intimate details we come to know about them and how their relationship changes over the course of the story which is what makes it so weirdly riveting. This is a must-watch for Ozu/Koreeda/Rivette fans. The workshop sequence is weirdly hypnotic and such a genius way of setting up the lead characters.
Life is Sweet (1990) - One of the great films about food and the love of it. Mike Leigh makes it look easier than it is.

Sept 2020

I'm Thinking of Ending Things (2020) - Not gonna write too much on this as it's quite recent and quite popular on here. But Charlie Kaufman shows no signs of slowing down. As long as people give him the money, seriously someone keep giving him money.
Tomboy (2011) - I'm kinda convinced that in the two decades Celine Sciamma has been working, she might be one of the best needle droppers in cinema ever. This film just exudes empathy for its protagonist. The lead performance is what makes this so tender and charming as well.
A Face of Another (1966) - A film that never wastes its high concept premise, a stunning lead performance (considering the impediments), and a director who deserves praise equal to some of the other Japanese greats.
Muriel's Wedding (1994) - Ridley Scott said he saw this 6 times and that was enough to convince me. I hope it's enough for anyone reading this too. Best use of ABBA in a movie (sorry Mamma Mia fans). Looks so basic on the surface and yet it has some of the best cinematography in any comedy I saw last year.
Mommy (2014) - Best use of montage in the 21st century I've seen. I had a weird experience with this movie in that I found it quite irritating (I know Steve is supposed to be irritating) and then when the montage happened, everything clicked and it was an all-time favourite.

Oct 2020

Drug War (2012) - Johnnie To's direction in this is so meticulous, it's like watching competence porn. The action scenes are back-loaded but they're worth the wait. The movie builds to its climax so effortlessly and it's a tight script, not a minute wasted. At 104 minutes, you could do a hell of a lot worse for an action movie.
Ryan's Daughter (1970) - Feel like this deserves a bit more respect than it already gets in the David Lean canon. It's a case of it being compared to Lawrence of Arabia and Doctor Zhivago which I feel like is why it's hard done by. The music by Maurice Jarre is fantastic and the central romance is fantastic.
The Heiress (1949) - In a career full of masterpieces, William Wyler's The Heiress stands at the top for me. I gave this a watch after Olivia de Havilland's passing this year and her performance is so so good. The ending is an all-timer for me.
The Vanishing (1988) - If you love thrillers, you owe it to yourself to watch this. Most people have seen it recognise it for the classic it is. The structure of the story takes a more innovative and different turn to how a more conventional movie would set this up.
The Gospel According to St. Matthew (1964) If you ever wanted an interesting take on a religious story, then a take by a homosexual, an atheist and a Marxist might just be the one to watch. Very respectful of the source and proof that religious movies can be great.

Nov 2020

Magic Mike XXL (2015) - Yeah honestly this slaps. This is another one of those sequels sort of akin to Mad Max Road Warrior and Fury Road, and Evil Dead 2 where it's better than the first installment because it doesn't have to spend time laboriously setting the world and the characters up. It gets straight into the story and any melodrama is avoided, it's a bro hangout movie without the baggage of 'bro culture' and there's no toxic masculinity. It's a movie that also knows its progressive without having to make it known to the audience like a lot of other (mainly Disney) blockbusters do nowadays. It also breaks rules in the cinematography and editing department by breaking the 180 degree rule. It's really low-stakes, doesn't take itself seriously at all and technically it's really well put together.
A Bride for Rip Van Winkle (2016) - One of those movies where you will never be able to guess where it ends up based on how it begins.
Blue Collar (1978) - For anyone who was a fan of the portrayal of class differences in Parasite, this is definitely worth a watch. Genuinely one of the best directorial debuts I've seen and the ending is a classic. Every character's motivation is so fleshed out and maybe features one of the more morbid death scenes in cinema as well.
The Counsellor (2013) - Yes I also enjoyed this as well lol. This is so hypnotic if you're in the right mood. This is probably one of the most cynical mainstream movies I have ever seen and you'll know within a few minutes if the dialogue is your type of thing. I did see the extended cut for this as I heard it was better than the theatrical version which seems to be a consistent thing with Ridley Scott. Bardem gives a wild performance too.
The Tale of Princess Kaguya (2013) - Lord is the animation in this stunning. Also this is the best adaptation of the Superman story of 2013, don't @ me.

Dec 2020

Terms of Endearment (1983) - I know the Best Picture winners of the 80s seem to get the most flack from the more recent decades, which is why I, for silly reasons, put this off for so long as I have also fallen victim to caring more about the perceived hype around a film and the awards it gets rather than just assessing a film for what it is. This is a deeply touching, heartfelt movie with I guess you could call an ensemble cast that I think honestly almost anyone could enjoy. What's great is how it avoids easy chances for melodrama and it doesn't villainise anyone in the movie, it only asks us to understand where they're coming from. For anyone Jack Nicholson fans, this is a must-watch.
Sound of Metal (2019) - This is such a compassionate and sensitive film right down to how it was cast, some of the best use of sound design I've seen in a movie in a long time. Again another movie that could've opted for easy choices in writing to create drama between Riz Ahmed and Olivia Cooke's characters or at Paul Raci's community. Parts of it are telegraphed and expected and yet they still hit you with the force of a train.
Centre Stage (1991) - Maybe Maggie Cheung's career-best performance? The movie itself shows how paint-by-numbers most biopics are by juxtaposing scenes of the actual cast and crew of the film discussing the story of the subject with scenes of the actors recreating the history. I'm not sure if this was influenced somewhat by Kiarostami's Close-Up from the year before, I can't imagine it as there's only a one year gap, but regardless, very impressive. Great use of music as well.
Another Round (2020 I feel like enough has been said about this already, it's certainly blowing up. Vinterberg and Mikkelsen need to work way more than they already do, The Hunt is one of the best of the last decade, and Another Round will be one of the best of this decade. The use of music is phenomenal and the movie makes me wish ensemble awards for acting existed at the Oscars because this everyone is perfect. Maybe one of the best modern movie endings I've seen.
The Up series (1964-present) - This is sort of a collective nomination as I have yet to finish it but if anyone found the central conceit of Boyhood fascinating then this is one to watch. Maybe one of the greatest social examinations conducted ever and for a society thats becoming gradually more and more class conscious, this is worth a watch. Probably not recommended to binge it as video clips from previous installments do get re-used for context because of how they were aired 7 years apart for audiences.

For anyone wondering if I'm going to list my most hated movies, unfortunately for those lot that's not something I'm going to do, as I feel like this sub already dumps on a lot of movies as it is and I don't feel the need to add onto that any further.
If you have any questions or thoughts you'd like to share, please do; a big thing that kept me going was the conversation it let me have with others.
Thanks for reading.

Why APHA is an Alpha Trade in the Short and Long-run (Actual DD)

Soooo... I accidentally started a cult 😬

I took an introductory psychology course last semester, and I learned a lot about human social behavior. We even learned a bit of basic information about cults, which has been a lifelong interest for me. Particularly the kinds that seem to form around conspiracy theories. I guess it would be an oversimplification to say I wasn’t aware of any of this stuff before, though.
Over the past few years, I’ve seen acquaintances, friends, and even family fall for misinformation that could be pretty easily debunked with a quick Google search. I’m only eighteen… if I can parse fact from fiction, why is this such a thing these days?
Even with what I’ve learned in class, I’m amazed at how this continues to play out in “real life”, outside of academia and cold, clinical laboratory environments. Time and time again, I’m stunned by how many rational, seemingly “normal” people accept blatant lies as fact.
Not only do they accept it, but they spread it.
Eventually, I started to ask myself… how does this happen? Is it that people are just… so bored with their own lives that they are compelled to seek entertaining explanations for what is so clearly laid out in front of them?
Then I asked myself, how far could it go?
What kinds of things will people believe with little to no actual proof?
The explanations in my textbooks were not enough for me. I wanted to find out.
Almost half a year ago, I started a social experiment. I joined a lesser-known discussion forum—I’m not going to name it here, because I don’t want anyone going over there after what happened—and pulled up the page to submit a post.
I put my fingers to the keys, eager to start my experiment. I ran into my first problem right there, in that first moment. I stared at the blank text box, zeroing in on the cursor as it blinked almost mockingly. It sounds stupid, but I wasn’t creative enough to come up with an idea to base my conspiracy theory on.
There were a few things I did know then, though. A few very important things, I think. I knew that people like a common villain to take a stand against. In a world full of grey area, people like black and white problems, a clear-cut “evil”.
In addition, I knew that people like to be in on a secret, to feel like they’re somehow aware of a problem that is hidden in plain sight. And people like problems that they don’t really have to do anything about, a problem that they don’t need to solve with anything other than “raising awareness”.
I’ll admit it—it took me several days of thinking before I figured out what to base my first post on. And when I finally landed on that idea, it didn’t even come from my own creativity.
I was watching a documentary, one about a rather infamous bloke. He was a murderer, both of man and animals. Cats, to be exact. The documentary seemed to focus mainly on the cats; all the awful things he did to those poor animals, and the great lengths to which complete strangers went to in order to stop him from hurting any more of them.
There was very little information about his human victim, which stunned me. I’ve since read he was an incredibly compassionate and intelligent person… he was living abroad and lonely, just looking for friends when he met his terrible end. On a personal note, I think of him, his family, and his friends daily. I feel a great shame for all that I’ve done that could continue to perpetuate their grief… and an ever-increasing horror for what may still be to come.
While I was struggling to understand this discrepancy in coverage, a thought hit me almost immediately—people fucking love cats. Even if you’re not a cat person, you probably think anyone who hurts a cat should suffer tenfold themselves. It was exactly the black and white problem I was looking for.
I was a little stoned, but I decided to give it a go right then. I popped open my laptop and started a post.

Most of the world’s stray cats vanished virtually overnight yet the truth remains unknown by the masses. L tried to tell us the truth. We refused to listen. Police refused to investigate. Media refused to publish the truth. MASSIVE SCALE COVERUP TO HIGHEST LEVELS OF GOV/SOCIETY. The truth is hard to look at but you’ll never unsee it… once you open your eyes.

I fell asleep soon after publishing the post but checked the thread first thing in the morning. I was expecting one or two responses at most, so I was absolutely floored by the amount of replies present once I refreshed the page.
One hundred and sixty-two comments.
Some of the users laughed me off as expected, but their comments were greatly outnumbered by those vehemently agreeing with me and pressing me for more information. Almost desperately. People wanted to know how they could help save the cats.
Even more surprisingly, users worked together to decode portions of my message. They worked quickly until they accurately identified the subject of the documentary that I’d seen just the other night. I had barely given any information, but they figured it out.
Honestly, I was… amazed. I was proud.
It was a strange feeling.
Still, people wanted more.
I gave them what they wanted.

Cats once recognized as gods. Now “pussy” means WEAK… this is PURRPOSEFUL. Innocent, helpless kittens rounded up to fulfill the SICK and DEPRAVED needs of the world’s mega-rich elites. To harness their inherent power. Look hard at the world around you. Ask yourself: where did the cats go?

Snickering, I posted the comment. I figured that, with the escalation of the absurdity in the “information” and my pure audacity in inputting a cat pun, it would all be over then. Part of me wanted it to be over then, to finish as soon as it had started, but I’m ashamed to admit that a deeper, darker part of me wanted to ride this out for as long as possible.
That part of me became increasingly impossible to ignore as the comments flooded in.
Xxxxx1583: ty for this, HD. about time ppl woke up to the harsh truth.
Xxxxxx212: WHERE DID THE CATS GO?????????????
Xxxxx2999: HD, you should make your own board. We need more information. We need to know the truth so we can help you put an end to this.
Xxxx33333: SAVE THE CATS
Xxxx00011: down with the elites, sick fuks
The third comment stuck out most to me… I followed their advice and created my own board. I titled it “WDTCG?”, short for what seemed to be the first rallying cry associated with my faux conspiracy theory. Users flooded into the board, joining at a rate that left my jaw on the floor. I was nearing one thousand members by the end of that first day, all ears for whatever I would say next.
I decided to wait before posting any new “info”. I needed time to think. I closed my laptop that night, feeling oddly… powerful. I had more people hanging on my every word than I could have possibly imagined before all of this. All it once, it hit me—the realization that I needed to be careful with what I said. Any wrong move could cost me what I’d manage to build in such a short period of time.
The next couple months went by smoothly, with my interaction and reader base growing steadily. Some days the number of followers would spike almost exponentially. They started calling themselves the Cat Crusaders, which I found oddly endearing.
Often times, they’d make connections that I hadn’t even thought of beforehand. I’m embarrassed to admit that sometimes I even wondered if I’d accidentally stumbled upon the truth, if I knew more than I… knew. If—by some fantastical coincidence—my fabricated “conspiracy theory” was actually true.
They combed through pop culture and media, picking out instances that could align with WTDCG. A user who I came to recognize as my most active, loyal follower—Xxxxx2999, the one who had suggested I start my own board in the first place—posted a particularly jarring thread about that song WAP.

Wet Ass Pussy—popularly abbreviated as “WAP” to downplay its horrific hidden meanings—is clearly about drowning cats. The elites and their spineless lackeys in the media are rubbing the truth in our faces, inoculating us with it in our everyday lives so that REALITY seems farfetched. When will the people wake up???

The Cat Crusaders quickly added anyone associated with the song to the list of the “elites” they suspected as part of “cat torture rings” to a running list. Suspicion quickly turned to undeniable fact in their minds, and the list quickly grew into the hundreds.
In conversation, members termed these elites “wolves” … a known predator of cats. Some of the zanier members began to assert that the wolves were actual wolves, either humanoid werewolf type creatures, or wolves in human “skin suits”. A few even insisted that they could tell the difference, that their human appearance was almost believable, but not enough to trick them.
I dropped new info posts fairly regularly, making sure to give members time between each to work out any hidden meanings. They continued to make more and more connections, uncovering any acronyms or other word puzzles I utilized. I didn’t want to give everything away all at once so that they could decode either on their own, or—more often—as a team.
Working together seemed fun for them. It was fun for me, too… it was like a game that we were all playing together.
Things went from funny games to something much worse almost overnight.
When the lockdown started, I saw a massive increase in numbers. People were bored at home and grasping for some understanding in such increasingly incomprehensible circumstances. Members began downplaying current events, claiming that the media was distorting reality.
They used snappy one-liners as a point-black denial of real problems that fostered real injustices. I watched, sick to my stomach, as comments like, “anti-mask, anti-vax, but pro-cats” and “cat lives matter!!” became normal and even celebrated.
After all, if the wolves had to take such tremendous measures, if they had to pull so many strings to “stage” such extreme scenes… it only meant that they were on the right track. Or that we were on the right track.
Even more troubling still, some extreme viewpoints started popping up. It went from “save the cats!” to “DEATH TO ALL WOLVES” in the blink of an eye. There were a lot of wolves on the list by that time, and these severe and violent sentiments both deeply sickened me and stoked a sudden fear of what I’d created… what the Crusaders might become or do.
Those viewpoints only represented a small minority of users, however, so I figured the best thing to do was to abandon the experiment altogether. To stop adding fuel to the fire, as they say.
I went dark for a month or so, ousting any lingering thoughts of WDTCG as soon as they came to mind. Considering how much time and thought I’d put into the experiment, forgetting about it was a struggle. I never honestly forgot about it, not even for a second. It overtook my thoughts entirely, even when I was away from the forum.
“Forgetting” only became more difficult as time went on, and I started noticing some troubling signs.
At first, I thought I was just being paranoid—I’d spent months practically forcing myself to adopt a hyper-paranoid mindset, after all. But with each passing day, and with each additional reminder, it all became impossible to ignore.
WDTCG was starting to go mainstream.
I spotted posts on “normie” social media sites that seemed entirely innocent on first glance. Image posts decrying high rates of animal abuse started to pop up on my feeds. This felt normal enough—of course people are sympathetic to this cause—right up until the hashtags. My stomach must’ve finally given into that fear ulcer I’d been brewing for months when I read it: #WDTCG?
Fuck.
Ignorance was never bliss in this situation, but I knew then that it wasn’t really a viable solution either.
With fearful, shaking hands, I logged back into my account. Part of me expected that the rest of my followers would have gone dark with me, that the board would have withered and died without me to lead them… that they would’ve understood that if I suddenly stopped posting new information, that the information must not have ever been real in the first place.
That part of me was optimistic, the part of me that engaged in wishful thinking. That part of me was also greatly overshadowed by a more realistic version of me, the part of me that knew what I’d done and what to expect when I logged back on.
That part of me was right.
In my absence, the board had absolutely exploded. Not only in the overall member count, but also in activity. The front page was cluttered with threads posted just in the last day or so. The top post had reached over a thousand comments, and the rest were in the hundreds… and counting.
I skimmed the first thread. Then the next one. And the one after that. I scrolled down, read more. If only to convince myself that what I was reading wasn’t true, that all of this was fake. Just a funny game for all of them, like it was for me.
Fear twisted my gut as I was forced to confront the truth: they all thought this was real.
Isolated in a perfect echo chamber, members of my board had only further reinforced their outlandish beliefs. Any opinion that branched even slightly away from their dogma was quickly dogpiled. Any measure of doubt or questioning, regardless of the intention behind it—I believe these questions were raised by members who only wished to strengthen the claims of the larger group—were snuffed out in an instant.
It was a metaphorical circle jerk in every possible way.
And what was left after dissenting opinions were squashed was the worst version of the conspiracy theory, the most extremist and hateful version. The version that only represented a minority of users before I left. I scrolled through users’ fervent calls for justice and retribution, really a thinly veiled euphemism for violence, for vengeance.
I thought—or, rather, I hoped—that if I stopped feeding them information, then they would forget about WDTCG. I hoped that, if I stopped acting as their “leader”, that they would cease to exist without my guidance.
It was only then that I faced a sickening reality… one in which they didn’t even need me to anymore at all.
I knew I had to at least try to stop them, so I did the only thing I knew to do. I posted.
Knowing I had to move quickly, I started a live chat thread. Comments quickly flooded in as users welcomed me back with open arms. They wanted to know what had happened to me. Had my mission been compromised? Had I been taken captive by the wolves? Did I have anything knew to share with them?
Because, they said, they sure as hell had a lot to share with me.
I was welcomed warmly, like a war hero returning back to his people… right up until I finally did the right thing, the thing that anyone with respect for their fellow man would do. I told them the truth.
hisdestruction: None of this is real. I made it all up.
I waited a few moments, slowed by agonizing fear, before I hit enter to send the message. The following seconds were even more terrifying as I watched the “…” appear at the bottom of the chat. Then, responses came in, one after the other.
Xxxxx9302: I call bullshit
Xx321: theres no way u could’ve made this shit up dude, any1 with eyes can see whats happening
Xxxxx92: you’ll be executed with the other wolves then on judgment day
Xxxxxxxxxxxx1: haha, funny joke HD.
Again… fuck.
I started fact checking my past info posts, meticulously disentangling their core beliefs that had resulted from misinformation I’d provided. I started small because I thought I’d get less push back, but I was wrong. Again.
When they refused to listen to reason even on the more superficial lies that I’d spread, I tackled the most fundamental, underlying info: my first post. I explained that, if they were indeed seeing fewer stray cats in their neighborhood, this was likely due to catch, spay, and release programs or better animal shelters. Perhaps a combination of both.
I tried to explain that it was even more likely that nothing had changed at all, but their perception of the outside world had been altered by reading my lies.
They didn’t like that one, either.
As a last-ditch effort, I typed in a sentiment I’d tried to communicate from the start… perhaps fearing from the very beginning that everything that I was seeing would occur.
hisdestruction: This movement is about peace and love. It is about saving innocent animals, not violence and destruction.
It didn’t take long before the replies materialized. Each confirmed my deepest fears.
Xxx001: no, it’s about JUSTICE
Xxxxxx22: ur just a FAKE and a SELLOUT
Xxxxx99: DEATH TO ALL WOLVES
It went on like this for minutes, each reply more hateful and horrific than the last. Finally, the barrage of extremism was broken by a single reply from a user I immediately recognized. When I read his words, I could no feel anything other than terror.
Xxxxx2999: Hold on. Sorry. HD is watching, communicating with me now.
Xxxxx2999: Yeeep. Just as I suspected. Account compromised. Await further instructions.
That motherfucker.
Fury eclipsed fear in that moment, and I put my fingers to the keyboard, fervently typing a counter response. Right as I hit send, I received an error message. I refreshed the page, only to find that my account had been logged out. And I couldn’t get back in.
Eventually, I managed to join the board again, but I could never get back into my old account. I don’t post anymore… I just watch my own lies spread further, deeper. I’ve reported the board a number of times… it’s even been deleted twice. It always comes back, though, and they’re picking up new ways to avoid the ban hammer. They removed the list of “wolves”, they learned to speak in coded language that sounds harmless but is anything but.
I’ve tried to communicate with law enforcement, but there’s really nothing they can do at this point. They’re right—the Cat Crusaders haven’t really done anything yet… but I fear what they will do in the future.
And I’m starting to see even more troubling signs.
It happened slowly at first, but it’s only gotten worse. I’ve been searching for it now, so I may be biased, but the signs are clear.
One or two animal shelters recently reported being flooded with anonymous phone calls that have taken away their time and resources to address animal welfare. The callers demanded that they concentrate their efforts on saving the cats from the elites.
Then a few reports of higher instances of catnapping, even to the point of animal hoarding.
And there’s the ever-escalating fury on the board, the calls for the blood of wolves.
Someone else is posting from the hisdestruction account now… I don’t know who it is, but I have my suspicions. They release info posts that fit with the new, extremist conspiracy theory that became the majority view in my absence. The Cat Crusaders lap it up eagerly, use it to further fuel their hate.
I was wrong about it from the beginning, I was wrong about them. They aren't stupid or gullible... they're incredibly clever and quick and most of all, dedicated. They're just dedicating themselves to a made-up issue because they were deliberately misled. It's all my fault.
I’ve officially lost control of my experiment... and now I fear what I’ve created.
X

Why did the garbagemen start coming in the dead of night?

I've been losing an average of 30 minutes of sleep every night for the past 10 days.
Now I’m down to a paltry 4 hours and 30 minutes, my walls are beginning to shift and my vision is blurring.
I have to focus. I NEED to focus.
Someone out there has to know.
Does anyone know why the garbage collectors have switched to the night shift?
Even asking it sends shivers down my spine. It’s late and soon I will hear them turn up to collect. I can’t sleep upstairs anymore, not where they can see me.
Now I sleep in the living room with my gun propped up against my shoulder, the weight a stern reminder that I am present.
I am awake.
I am a threat to them.
They won’t try anything if I’m a threat to them, right?
Fuck, I’m sorry. Let me explain.
My name is Tyson. I’m a farmer with a thriving family, a loving wife and two bright young boys. We live in a very remote area that requires a significant amount of divergence for basic services. I won’t say where, I won’t risk my family or my business, especially knowing what kind of armchair detectives there are out there. I respect what you all do and fear you in equal measure. So I’d rather throw you a bone you can thoroughly chew on as opposed to delving into mine and my famili’s personal info.
What I can tell you is this patch of land has been in my family for six generations, was not acquired illegally, built on sacred land, and to the best of my knowledge has NEVER had a violent occurrence or bloodshed.
We’re normal, hardworking folks who have always tried to do right.
Which makes what is going on here all the more difficult to understand, to quantify and reason with when the basic logic gives way.
I hear you, you’re undoubtedly scratching your heads and asking “why are garbage collectors such an issue?” and I don’t blame you. I’ll get to that.
Something shifted by the gates. No sound, can’t be the garbagemen, you hear them a mile off.
They’re not subtle about making their presence known.
The first night they turned up was so startling that I honest to god thought we were being robbed by the most unprofessional thieves this part of the world had ever birthed. Rambunctious, loud and borderline jovial in their candour.
It was always the same. Each and every time.
The sounds of the huge mechanical vehicle roaring as it drove up my dirt road, crushing twigs and kicking up dirt as it ground to a stop by the gates some 50ft from my front door.
Two thuds, boots hitting the ground, stumbling over to the main gate where our trash was left for the garbagemen on a Tuesday. Usually a couple of surly men got out, grunted, and hauled ass out of the area as soon as possible.
These two? Couldn’t have been happier to be there from the sounds of things. Young men, the smiles almost visible in their tone;
“This the one, Bill? Looks ready to me!”
“I reckon it is, Jeff! Let’s get ‘er done!”
A laugh, a high five, the sounds of something being dragged and thrown into the truck before they’d back out of the driveway and go off into the night.
Unusual, right? My wife & kids certainly thought so, especially when the trash was still there the next morning.
“Maybe they were some weird kids pulling a prank?” My wife Lucy remarked, taking a sip from her coffee and glancing nervously at the window. I think she was saying it more for our boys benefit than our own. I nodded and ushered them away from the windows, told them to go play.
The next night, it happened again. No specific time so much as that dead of night period between 1am and 3am when the world falls totally silent around you. None of our animals made a peep during that time frame, nor did we dare to.
Because when we heard them roll up again, we were paralysed with fear.
It took a few minutes to realise it, but when I looked to my wife and she returned my fearful glance with a wide-eyed stare and a nod, we scooped up the boys and huddled in our bed.
The exact same sounds. The exact same timed footsteps. The exact same conversation.
We heard them drag something wet into the truck before leaving after maybe 15 minutes. My younger boy Jace was always anxious and hearing this uncanny valley shit at his age sent him into a panic attack. We spent the remaining time soothing him while my older son Travis took to peering through the window with me.
Our pig pen that lay some 40ft to the right of the house had the door ripped off the hinges and a blood trail leading from the entrance all the way to the farm gates where the garbagemen had been.
When we mustered up the courage to inspect further, the pigs were silent, unmoving and staring at the long dirt road that lead away from the home, the tall trees that littered our farm looming overhead as if to silence them from telling what they’d seen.
We tried calling the city council to complain, but they were as perplexed as we were, said trash pickup day was still Tuesday and that since it was only Sunday, we weren’t due. They advised we filed a complain with the police for trespassers, but that yielded absolutely nothing.
In the meantime, things escalated.
Night 3 brought us the same routine, same sounds. Even after we’d taken to putting a lock on the pig pen, they still took one. This time making sure to leave a small pile of viscera behind, perhaps as a warning.
We elected to putting the animals in the barn and dead bolting it, hoping the pranksters would get the message and perhaps get bored. I’d ordered a cctv camera but with my location being so out of the way, it was going to take time to arrive and I wasn’t about to stand in my window with a camera pointed out at some weirdos.
We didn’t consider the consequences of this defiance.
It was Night 5. The boys were sleeping in our room and like clockwork; they showed up and pulled me from what little sleep I was getting, my wife soon after. Silently, goosebumps raised on our skin and a chill in our bones, we strained our ears against the open window, hoping to hear their frustration and subsequent decision to leave.
The routine continued until “Jeff” spoke to “Bill”.
The moment they opened their mouths, I knew something was horribly wrong.
“This the one, Bill? Looks locked to me!”
“I reckon it is, Jeff… Let’s pay ’em a visit.”
They rattled our front door knob and politely knocked at the door. Five rhythmic knocks, five seconds of silence, five more aggressive knocks.
I bolted downstairs and grabbed my rifle, keeping the lights off but my aim focused on them. Adrenaline pushing fear aside, if only to defend my family.
“I don’t know who the fuck you are, but you’ve been coming onto my property unannounced and I ain’t standing for it no more.” I pulled back on the bolt and the sound filled the room.
“You got three seconds to turn on your heel, or I’m firing!”
My eyes adjusted to the front door and in the darkness, two shapes stood behind my door, shrouded by the shadow of the night. They were tall, thin legs and bizarre movements… like they were swaying in place.
Those three seconds felt like an eternity.
“ONE!”
The shadow to the front leaned forward, trying to press its face against the glass. Something was wrong.
“TWO!”
It moved away and tapped the letterbox, testing if it opened up. When it did, it held it open and spoke as the second shadow stepped closer.
Three never came. Instead I backed away out of terror and barricaded our room, unable to speak.
It repeated my last words back at me. Exact same pitch. Exact same tone. But something was… off about it. Like hearing your own voice played back through old speakers, you sense an eeriness to it.
As i’d instinctively taken steps back, however, the other one spoke. This was the first Time either said anything that didn’t repeat and I swear to god it makes my heart pound in my throat just typing it.
“We have come to collect. Come outside.”
My legs carried my body before I could register what was going on. Rushing to the bedroom and locking it, I pulled my family in close and held my head down to theirs, desperate to block out whatever ungodly sounds erupted from our front door.
It took a half hour before they gave up, assumed their usual routine and left, the sound of the tires speeding off up the road bringing some degree of relief.
Until the following morning when our nearest neighbours, The Gundersons, reported a break in at their farm some 5 miles up the road. The perpetrators had smashed through the gate, entered the barn and done such violent acts to their cattle that of the ten that had been attacked and mutilated, only two survived and were immediately put out of their misery by the patriarch, Ted.
“You’ve been havin’ problems with these sons of bitches too, Ty?” He bellowed down the phone once I began retelling our sleepless events. “Shit, you sound like hell and probably look worse than the cows at this point. I ain’t havin’ it. You got a young family to support and when they hurt one of us, they hurt all of us. Tonight we put an end to it, ya hear?”
I nodded, agreeing to stake out our property that night and do whatever needed to be done. Hands still shaking, I grabbed a stiff drink from the cabinet. Never been much of a drinker, most of this was my dads for the tougher times. But if times weren’t tough now, I don’t know when the fuck they would be.
Ted rolls up around 11pm, wife and kids are asleep and we shoot the shit in the living room for a while, mainly discussing how the harvest had gone and what we could do to protect our livelihoods in this day and age. The conversation petered off as they often do when a night draws on, but it was as we fell silent that the realisation swept over us;
We were going to confront these people tonight.
I gripped my gun a little tighter as Ted gave me an assuring nod, peeking out the window for any signs of the garbagemen.
“Son of a… my farm!” He bellowed, springing to his feet and bursting out the door before I could get a word in edgeways.
He was halfway down the road before I could ask him what the fuck he was doing. He turned, his eyes wild with fear and rage, pointing a shaking finger to the small shape that was his house far across the hill.
It was on fire. Large pillars of smoke billowing forth as the fire danced in the light, illuminating the surrounding fields.
“I can’t sit here while my farm… my livelihood burns away, Ty. If those bastards are behind this… well, you can’t bet your ass they won’t last the night when I’m through with ‘em! I’ll teach ‘em a fuckin’ lesson about the value of things… the things people throw away.” He turned on his heel and ran to his truck, speeding off before anything more could be said.
This would be the only night the garbagemen don’t pay us a visit. I get a bit of extra sleep, but my wife doesn’t. She just stares out the window at the Gunderson farm in the distance and shakes her head.
She knows how there will be no help on the horizon.
She knows how close we are to that fate.
And seeing that scares me to death.
-
The 8th night. They arrive with no vehicle sounds, no grand build up to the crescendo of their routine. They whistle softly as if calling an animal, patient in their call as they scrape something around in the dirt.
I’m crippled by fear and cannot dream facing them, I look around in the dark and see Lucy is still asleep, Travis is snoring in the corner… but Jace… Jace is wide awake and transfixed.
And staring at the window overlooking our driveway, reaching out to open it.
I leap out of bed and just about tackle him away, the shock of waking up to such a violent affair sending him into a panic attack as the entire family snaps awake in a frenzy, shouting over one another as he cries uncontrollably.
“This has got to stop, Tyson. We can’t do this anymore… We can’t live like this…” Lucy was exhausted, her eyes barely open and her teeth chattering. In the moment of silence between us, the whistling started again, almost mocking in its tone if it weren’t for the sinister giggling behind it.
“SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LEAVE US ALONE!” She screamed, walking towards that same window. It took everything I had to hold her back as she fell to pieces in my arms, the entire family crippled by nerves and a lack of sleep.
It was only when one voice cut the air that the final nights events were set in motion.
“The things people throw away…”
Oh, fuck… Ted…
One look into my wife’s eyes and I knew what she was thinking. There was no stopping her.
She darted around, packing the kids’ clothes and any essentials she could find, ignoring the whistling outside and instructing our boys to focus on getting whatever they needed.
“You do what you need to do, I don’t care if the nearest town is a three-hour drive or I undergo the seven-hour drive to my moms. I will not stay another night in this fucking house. Not until they’re gone.” She was almost delirious, fuelled by fear and anger as she darted around like a hurricane, turning over tables to get what she needed as if prepping for a weather event. Within the half hour she’d been rushing around, the noises had faded and the outside once again fell silent.
I couldn’t leave the house. It’d been in our family's lineage for generations. We’d been born here, lived here and died here no matter what. As the head of the family, it was my job to stay here and protect it. Even if I couldn’t protect those that I loved most under its roof.
She waited another hour before getting in the car and leaving, kissing me with all the passion she’d had when we first met. I told Jace he had to be strong and that he’d one day conquer his fears because I believed in him. I told Travis that as the eldest; he needed to protect them like his life depended on it.
Then, just like that, I waved them goodbye and promised I’d join them at their mother in laws when this was over.
Now all that was left was to sharpen my resolve and find out what this was. I took the chance to try and get some sleep during the day, but no matter how hard I tried, it wouldn’t come to me. So, liquid courage it was.
One way or another, this was going to end.
-
Night 9. The penultimate night.
Not a sound. I mean that in the most literal sense. The wind didn’t move; the trees didn’t speak, not a single blade of grass danced and no dirt was kicked up.
Everything was silent. So silent. My own thoughts were amplified in this void of sound, every inane thought of what could happen flitted through my mind and forced me to double check every window and door. Triple check the locks, ensure no oversight was left.
Couldn’t let them get an opportunity. Even if it’s just me. I know they’re watching even now. If I didn’t know any better, I’d have said a shadow moved just behind the porch window. Can’t be sure, not without checking.
I think they were biding their time, keeping me on edge and making sure I *knew* they could step in whenever they wanted and do as they pleased.
But I kept my nerve, I resisted the urge to bolt to the truck. I’ve got my whiskey and I’ve got my gun.
I’ll see this through, even if it kills me.
-
Night 10. Now we’re all caught up.
I checked on the animals this morning. What was left was a pile of bones, flesh and waste. They’d been taken the night before and I don’t know how I didn’t hear during the silence. There was but one horse's body left, teeth marks riddled the torso, and the legs had been torn off.
Our crops had grown fetid, decayed and worn, nothing in our farm would yield a damn thing anymore.
My livelihood was decimated in front of my eyes.
Gone.
It’s late now, I’m sat in my armchair with the rifle loaded and ready. My hands are shaking and my knee won’t stop bouncing. I feel the dread start in my gut and worm its way through my chest before lodging in my throat and forcing every breath to be a labour of pain.
They came early tonight, truck roaring and routine sounds in full swing.
Only there weren’t two sets of thuds this time.
There were six.
They walked up to the porch, a shadow covering every facet of the window and the door panes. Not a spec of light coming through.
The voices don’t change their pattern, they never do.
“This the one, Bill? Looks ready to me!” They pound their fists against the window, a dull moan emanating from the background. Pained, muffled and growing in strength.
“I reckon it is, Jeff! Let’s get ‘er done!” Nails drag down the glass. A horrific groaning accompanying the repeated intonations of their godforsaken phrases.
“The things people throw away...” Ted… poor Ted smashing his head against the wall, repeating it with every sick swing.
It was only when I heard the fourth voice that I finally looked out the window, perhaps on instinct.
“Not until they’re gone.”
My Lucy. My sweet Lucy calling to me.
I can’t begin to tell you what I saw when I pulled back the curtains for just a split second, but every forbidden aspect of it is burned into my brain and it will not leave me even as I shut my eyes from the surrounding chorus of madness.
My kids… my fucking kids are now saying they’ve come to collect. That I must come outside. That whistle has come back, it’s… it’s almost soothing.
I can’t bear to do this on my own, I can’t live with that image in my fucking skull anymore. I miss my wife. I miss my kids. I miss sleeping soundly at night.
What if it is them out there? What if they’re really just wanting me to get help and my own sick mind has put me in such a state that I’m here, asking you for help on something that is, at its core, truly simple?
I’m going to put down the laptop and open the door. I have to know.
I have to.
Why did the garbagemen start coming in the dead of night?
Does anyone know?

Dynasty 2020 Rookie Stock Watch - **Final 2020 Class Rankings**

Welp, there it is. We're officially out of football until the "kinda combines" and draft. Hopefully by the time camps and preseason comes around, we start to see glimpses of a post(ish?) Covid-19 landscape - both personally and also in the sportsverse.
I've really tried to put in a lot of work through the season adjusting my thoughts on rookies - on the fly - based on adding to the sample. The reactions and style of my methodology has clear strengths and weaknesses. No better were the weaknesses illustrated than overreacting to JT's abysmal stretch midseason. On the flipside, my "I'm worried about Reagor" (quite earlier than most!) and "The Bell signing is going to crush CEH for at least this year" were valid concerns. And I definitely was one of the earlier guys to start hyping Tee Higgins once he showed some signs. That said - my methodology is mostly a barometer of perceived value, and the combination of an extremely talented 2020 Draft Class as well as a Covid-19 impacted year probably made for a very non-typical year as far as Rookie evaluation goes.
Before the season started, I did a mildly popular [Dynasty 2020 Rookie Stock Watch] (and at the request of the community, I did weekly updates, and will continue doing this next year! In case you missed previous weeks, you can find week 1 here, week 2 here, week 3 here, week 4 here, week 5 here, week 6 here, week 7 here. week 8 here, week 9 here, week 10 here, week 11 here, week 12 here, week 13 here, week 14 here, week 15 here, and week 16 here.
As this is my last "risers and fallers" of the 2020 class, my disclaimers are a LITTLE different and I'd encourage you to read them before diving in.

I consider where I would now draft this player if we were to redo a 1QB rookie draft NOW, after a full season is in the books. Since higher picks are SO MUCH MORE VALUABLE, having a guy drop from 1.01 to 1.07 is a much bigger value loss than if a guy drops from 2.12 to 4.05. Also baked into my decisions of who is a riser and faller is how I feel the player looks to fit into future dynasty start up rankings. In some cases, a player ranked #1 and a player ranked #4 could feel miles apart on a rookie ranking, but I very well might consider them just as close (3 spots difference) in a full startup as well!
When I try to determine if a player has risen or fallen, I like to weigh what some of the perceptions were on that player's upside, and if any of those perceptions appear to no longer be true or at least need to be tempered.
We absolutely need to weigh in what the rookie did with the opportunities (or lack thereof) in their opening season. A huge factor in the final valuation of the 2020 rookies is this question: "What will they be worth before the 2021 season?" - and that question is highly impacted by volume and opportunity (and how they did with it!) in year 1.
Just because I have someone as a riser or faller doesn't mean I think you should buy/sell them at bad value. It's the same concept as stocks - if you believe in the fundamentals of the company you invested in, you don't sell off yet. 2020 was a WEIRD year. I expect we will have more "2nd year breakouts" than normal as a result. Similarly, after a stock skyrockets is not usually the best time to buy in - you'd want to wait for a brief regression before that. You should **always** make a value play, not merely selling or buying at cost.
Like Matthew Berry has said - just because a guy is on my faller list doesn't mean I like them less than a guy on my riser list. This is just my evaluation of their value relative to where it was before this season. These rankings are an attempt to really lock in where I feel the player will rank on a 2021 Startup draft compared to other rookies.

With that out of the way, let's dive in!

Biggest 2020 Season risers:

James Robinson. There really can be no answer other than JRob for the biggest riser of the season. In most drafts, he was not taken in the first 5 rounds. And if he was, it was still a VERY late flyer - and we've heard many stories of him being taken and cut and picked up by someone else. Wherever you have James Robinson now - he was virtually nothing more than "a very deep sleeper blip who might take over in a year when Fournette is gone". Well, that takeover happened, and it happened a year early. Robinson won a lot of people money this year, even as he disappeared by season end - because he still got you to the dance. For that reason, Robinson wins the title as the absolute biggest riser of the year.
Antonio Gibson. Depending on when you drafted (I drafted earlyish June) Gibson was a late 2nd/early 3rd. Once news started breaking regarding Guice (still makes me yikes when I type his name!) and Peterson was cut, Gibson climbed charts quickly. His profile was that of an extremely talented back with a TINY sample size running the ball. Now that sample size is a bit bigger, and we like what we see. He has all the makings of a guy who could be an RB1 type for the next few years, and big play potential to break open any touch. We're counting on an uptick in passing game usage in 2021, and crossing our fingers for some improvement at the QB position.
Jonathan Taylor. How does JT making the biggest riser list when he was already high to start the year? **Perceived startup value**. At this point, JT is a 1st half of the 1st round guy in tons of Dynasty Startups. That's a huge spike from where he was at the start of the year. You're looking at an RB that in many eyes is worth more than **every single WR playing football right now**. I'm not saying that's the precisely correct valuation for a player I embarrassingly was worried about for a few weeks... but it's where he's valued on a lot of charts now. So take it for what it is - Taylor is the single most valuable piece of the 2020 Draft Class.
Justin Jefferson. Similar narrative to Taylor - and you could make the case that I should swap these two guys, considering JT was a top 2 pick and JJeff was around 1.08-1.10. Not going to argue that really. Let's just say JJeff vaulted to the top of the WR class with a record-breaking year and is now the clear-cut 1 of a class where he started as the 3 or 4 on most lists. Heck - Jefferson's explosion has impacted the 2021 class valuations (Chase, anyone?) and has easily put him as a Dynasty Startup top 5 WR type.
Tee Higgins. This guy was simply not making it as a 1st round pick in a LOT of 1QB rookie drafts. Now he sits pretty comfortably as WR3 or 4, depending on who you ask. A lot of questions we have about Lamb's 2021 production also echo for Higgins - and we desperately want both to be reunited with their gunslingers as soon as possible. But where fears existed of Higgins being a boom-or-bust player, those fears have been silenced. It's boom.

Honorable mentions: I would be remiss if I didn't mention the great rookie years of Aiyuk and Claypool - both guys are positioned well to be strong WRs for any roster going forward, and both have upside potential to be even more than the greatness they've already flashed. I'm not sleeping on them. In addition, Herbert had a stellar season and should be looked at as the clear QB1 of the 2020 class.

Biggest 2020 Season fallers:

Ke'Shawn Vaughn. Look! We're talking about Vaughn again! A guy who was going as early as 1.08 in 1QB now would likely not even be a top 3 round pick. He's the inverse James Robinson. Not much else to say. He did put out a few nice plays here and there, but ended the season as effectively the RB4 on the Bucs. That could change in the offseason though, so if you bought stocks in Vaughn, don't cut bait at this point when there's a chance he heads into 2021 as Tampa's RB2.
Jalen Reagor. Depending on who you ask, Reagor was being taken as high as WR3 in the 2020 class. Despite his mediocre final season in college, people were sold on his talent and the barren Eagle's WR room. Instead, Reagor battled injuries, terrible QB play, and even when he did play, he was frequently outshined by... Travis Fulgham and Greg Ward. Don't get me wrong, anyone who has watched a bit of Eagles Football (firstly, pity them!) can tell that Reagor is way more talented than JJAW. But it might not be enough. In a year where so many great players were taken, Reagor feels like a fringe WR2 type at best, going forward.
Henry Ruggs. Taken as a back-end Rookie 1st, Ruggs flashed early, got hurt, and then totally fell off the map. Lots to be concerned about here as he rarely looked like anything more than an extremely expensive decoy who needs to catch all 3 of his targets per game to have a chance at a fantasy stat line worth starting. His value is a bit sticky because you can't picture the Raiders giving up on their 1st round draft pick. However, we're now left hoping that something changes in his usage and attention in 2021. Hoping for change is not the position you want to be in for a fantasy asset.
Clyde Edwards-Helaire. First, I can't knock CEH's strong job in an otherwise abysmal KC performance in the Super Bowl. He was extremely efficient per touch, and was one of the few bright spots in the game. The problem? Despite averaging almost 8 yards a touch, CEH only managed 11 touches. The early sparks he showed fizzled once Bell was eligible to play, as did his snap share and touch share. As of now, his usage simply isn't trending anywhere that would make him a top 6 pick if we were re-drafting the 2020 class. That's a significant drop, and we've gotta have him on the list as a result. I worry that the 2021 KC offense will use him the same way they used him the second half of the 2020 season. If that's the case, he's a low end RB2/very strong flex/RB3.
Bryan Edwards. One of 2020's biggest hype darlings found himself barely playing after getting hurt early. A guy who peaked as going nearly in the 1st round would now likely be a middle 3rd if the class was redrafted. Between Edwards and Ruggs, the Raiders managed to be the only team with two players to show up on the list, and having them both be fallers is not an encouraging sign. My gut tells me ONE of them might turn it around, but even that is a coinflip at this point. As I said in my disclaimer - it's possible a non-Covid year will allow some of these guys to be late bloomers.

How I rank them right now
(in 1QB, but I will include where I would bump the QBs up to in 2QB)
Tier 1, all 3 pretty similar in value for me
01 Jonathan Taylor
02 Justin Jefferson
03 Cam Akers
04 D'Andre Swift
05 Antonio Gibson
Tier 1.5 (not a true break from tier 1, very close in value)
06 JK Dobbins
07 CeeDee Lamb
08 Tee Higgins
09 James Robinson
10 Clyde Edwards-Helaire
Tier 2
11 Brandon Aiyuk
12 Chase Claypool
13 Justin Herbert (1.01 in 2QB/SF)
Tier 3
14 Jerry Jeudy
15 Laviska Shenault
16 AJ Dillon
17 Michael Pittman Jr
18 Denzel Mims
19 Jalen Reagor
Tier 4
20 Darnell Mooney
21 Joe Burrow (1.02-1.05 in 2QB/SF)
22 Tua Tagovailoa (1.03-1.06 in 2QB/SF - but definitely behind Burrow)
23 Henry Ruggs III
24 Gabriel Davis
Tier 5
25 Zach Moss
26 Jalen Hurts (late 1st in 2QB/SF)
27 Bryan Edwards
28 KJ Hamler
29 Lynn Bowden Jr. (but he drops to mid 30's if he loses RB eligibility in 2021... or goes to jail!)
30 Van Jefferson
31 Donovan Peoples-Jones
32 Cole Kmet
Tier 6
33 Devin Duvernay
34 La'Mical Perine
35 Collin Johnson
36 Quintez Cephus
37 Ke'Shawn Vaughn
Tier 7
38 Darrynton Evans
39 Tyler Johnson
40 Harrison Bryant
41 Anthony McFarland Jr
42 Salvon Ahmed
43 Joshua Kelley
44 Deejay Dallas
45 Jordan Love (late 2nd in SF)
46 Antonio Gandy-Golden
47 Albert Okwuegbunam
48 Adam Trautman
Obligatory Kicker Shoutout:
49 Tyler Bass
50 Rodrigo Blankenship
Last words:
Thank you so much for the support and dialogue throughout the year. It's been a joy and blessing to write this and be a distraction from the world while you reply and praise/criticize me shoot-from-the-hip takes. After the NFL draft, I'll be ready to do it all again with the 2021 class. Now to find my way onto a vaccine list...
As always, I'll try to engaged with each and every reply. :)

Lost in translations

The human gazed at the aliens around him and knew, just knew, he was in a LOT of trouble.
They were not much to look at. Small. Furry. Possessing faintly rodent like features. Their powerful hindlegs had them leaping quite large distances. When humans first encountered this species their initial impression was of some kind of hybrid of Kangaroos, harvest mice and Hobbits.
Their gentle and passive nature and their habit of communal sleeping had led humans to call them ‘Dormice’ out of affection.
The human wanted, very much wanted, to go back home and inform his fellow humans that this was a bad idea. A very bad idea.
The Yucani did not appreciate the term. The Yucani did not appreciate a lot of things. Mostly, right now, this group of about 400 of them did not appreciate him.
Their angry chirps and trills grow in intensity as they hopped angrily around him. Younger males would seemingly leap towards him at high speed, before landing close with a furious hissing noise. While the human could speak Yucani, he could barely understand them as they trilled so quickly. He held up his hands in what he hoped was a universal sign of surrender.
The human may not have been an expert on Yucani culture, but he was fairly sure he knew what a lynch mob looked like. The mass of small creatures had cornered him against a wall and continued to gaze at him balefully. Each passing moment they seemed to increase in anger, in their aggression, in their potential for violence.
A stone slammed into the wall besides him.
Three things happened immediately. The human saw the stones arrival seemed to give the Yucani the idea that this was a brilliant innovation.
Oh crap! They are going to stone me!
The largest Yucani in the mob, stood about seven feet away from him, suddenly removed a vicious looking knife, with a long serrated edge.
It’s gonna stab me!
And a roar of a Yucani constabulary patrol ship suddenly was heard, its distinctive sound causing many of the small creatures at the back to turn their heads.
The police! They’re gonna save me!
As the vechicle moved closer, more and more of the mob heard it and the human was very relieved to see that they didn’t start picking up rocks and the one with a knife, his large brown eyes filled with fury and rage, slowly returned the knife back to his clothing.
The craft landed, and six Yucani got out; their green uniforms were armoured, which made them look actually impressive (the human had long ago realised that only the larger members of the race were ever chosen for their constabulary).
They slowly hopped towards the mob, who had now turned and were trilling and squeaking in high pitched tones towards the newly arrived officers.
The human gulped down a breath of air. The sense of relief and gratitude he felt was immense. He was saved. As the officers made their way towards him, the crowd parting, he felt his legs go weak. He wanted to collapse. But he managed to hold it together long enough, to offer a grateful smile as one finally made his way towards him, dividing his fellow Yuanci like the Moses before the Red Sea.
“I am very happy to see you,” says the human, smiling down at the Yucani constabulary officer. It responds by removing a short grey metallic pole and jabbing it into the humans leg.
Pain. SO much pain. A searing, agonising, exploding pain that begins in his leg and races through every single nerve cluster in his body. The human convulses and screams, his bladder empties and he almost instantly drops into unconsciousness from the agony. He falls into a crumpled heap against the wall. The Yucani officer, ignoring the little cheer that had began from his fellow species, gazed down at the human with contempt and spat.
Two months later…
The young human, manacled and bound is thrown into the small conference room the aliens had built for this meeting. His eyes glance up and fall upon the first human face he had seen in many weeks.
“Oh God, thank you. Are you here to save me?”
The other human was in his fifties; his eyes bore the look of a man who had seen many things, perhaps too many. His suit was well made, sensible, if not slightly on the conservative side.
In response to the question he smiles gently and says, “Kid, I’m fairly sure only God can save you. But I am here to try and help with the mess you are in.”
Relief, mixed with wild joy fill the prisoners face. The younger man spots a chair to sit in (the room had the familiar setting of two human shaped chairs and a desk between them), and falls into it in a heap, his manacled hands landing heavily upon the table.
“Oh, thank you! You need to get me off this planet. The conditions I’ve been kept in have been awful. I am totally isolated. A hole in the ground with a large vent in the ceiling. They throw food down to me. The place stinks.”
The older man raises an eyebrow, “That’s good. You getting off lightly.”
“Lightly? The entire thing stinks like a sewer.”
“That’s because it probably IS a sewer,” shrugs the older man, reaching for a briefcase by his side.
“What?”
“Yucani prisons. They don’t incarcerate anyone but worst offenders on their world. The closest they have to prisons are specially made sewers.”
“That’s…”
“Tell me, have random Yucani been coming along and urinating and crapping into your cell as they pass?”
“What? No. That’s horrible.”
As the older man places his briefcase upon the table between them, he smiles a cold, tight smile, “The Yucani word for ‘prisoner’ literally translates into English as ‘Eaters of Our Shit’. I think the fact that they are throwing you human food and not pissing on you qualifies as light treatment.”
The younger man’s jaw just drops. A stunned look of absolute horror crosses his face. The older human uses this as an excuse to open his briefcase, remove a heafty file in a manilla cover out (it lands on the table with a satisfying heavy sound), closes the briefcase and places it on the floor besides him.
“Are you from the Embassy?”
“No. I just arrived in-world an hour ago. Four days at warp. My guts feel mushy.”
“Oh. Are you a lawyer?”
“I afraid not. Formally the excuse the Embassy will give you is there are no humans conversant in the intricacies of Yucani jurisprudence to be able to offer effective advice. Off the record? No lawyer in the entire solar system would touch your case. So, they sent me. I’m a specialist.”
“What in?”
“Apparently being human,” says the older man, who opens the folder and begins scanning the pages underneath. The younger man is too confused to say anything which suits the older one just fine. He glances up into the scared eyes of the prisoner.
“Andrew Montgomery Eversham, born 2118, Britain. British? Should have figured. Father was an engineer on Ares station, mother was… French. Well that explains much.”
“What does my mother have to do with anything?”
The older man gazes him up and down and asks, “Only child huh?”
“Yes. Why?”
“Thought so. Right, Mr Eversham. Do you know what they are charging you with?”
“No one has told me anything at all. I was performing, and the next thing I know I was being chased by a mob of angry Dormice, and then one of their police…”
“Yucani. Not Dormice.”
“What?” Eversham’s eyes widen, and he nods, “Yes, right. I know. I figured that out. But you know its just us here.”
“Saying Dormouse to describe a Yucani is like being home and using the word ‘Kike’. It’s a derogative term. An insult. Maybe not enough to get you punched, but we don’t do that.”
“Alright. Yes. I understand. I will try. Good job you ain’t Jewish eh?”
“Bad news I’m afraid. I am.”
“Oh.”
The older man scans through the documents and frowns.
“You are charged with a multitude of offenses. The first of which is Causing Great Disgust of Public Morals; Crude and Offensive Language; Heresy towards the Gods of the Yucani; Causing a Disturbance of the Peace… what were you doing?”
“I was doing my routine.”
“Routine?”
“I’m a comedian. Stand up.”
There was a raised eyebrow.
“You are comedian?”
“Yes.”
“And you caused this reaction?”
“Apparently.”
“Gonna say Kid, I’d work on your act.”
Eversham blinks and his face contorts with frustration, “Are you here to help me or not?”
The older man however just gazes at the file before him, “As well as the above you are charged with Inciting a Yucani to Wish to Commit Violence- this is a serious offense by itself, but they have charged you with inciting every individual in the crowd who heard you. So that’s 496 separate charges. And given each one carries a possible death sentence…”
“Death sentence? I could die?”
The older man smiles coldly across the table, “And we haven’t even gotten onto the serious allegations yet. So far, its just been the warm up. Now it says here that you perform under a different name.”
“Yeah. Abe Froman.”
“What?”
“Abe Froman. You know from that old movie.”
“What old movie?”
“A 20th century classic. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. The character of Abe Froman- the Sausage King of Chicargo? You must have heard of it?”
The older human raises his eyebrows high.
“No ‘Abe’ I haven’t. Neither have the Yucani. Which means they arrested someone called Abe Froman, only then to discover his real name is Andrew Eversham.”
“It’s my stage name.”
“The Yuctani don’t have concepts for ‘stage names’. All they know is a human arrived on planet with one name and then started using another name once here. And THIS is why they have charged you with espionage.”
“ESPIONAGE!!?”
“Yes. Specifically, because of the two names thing. And THEN because they think you are some kind of human agent, but don’t know what exactly you could have been up to, they assume the worst and charged you with everything they think you COULD have been here to do. That’s what the rest of the folder is.”
Andrew gazes at the thick pages with a look of absolute terror. The older humans eyes begin scanning; “So, from the top, ‘Suspected of Wishing to Assassinate the Emperor of the Yucani; Suspected of wishing to Assassinate the Chancellor of the Emperor of the Yucani…”
He moves forward a few pages.
“Suspected of wishing to put poison in the water supply of the cities of Heshis and Jebin…”
“But I…”
The older man lifts up more pages and smiles, “Suspected of seeking to violate the sacred virginity of the High Priestess of Rho- that’s impressive.”
“Are you serious? This is a joke.”
“Deadly serious,” hisses the old man, who closes the file with a loud thump. He fixes Eversham with a fierce stare.
“I gotta tell you ‘Abe’- you are in so much trouble right now that EarthGov is an inch away from washing their hands of you, throwing you to the Yucani and letting them take dumps on your for the rest of your short life. I am, literally, the only hope in hell you have of surviving and if I’m being honest- it aint much of a hope.”
“But it was just a few jokes,” mews Eversham, his eyes welling up with tears.
“Who thought it would be a good idea to travel to another planet and do stand up comedy?”
“My agent.”
“Your agent? What did you do? Sleep with his wife?”
“No,” comes the panicked reply.
“Didn’t you even do some basic research on what the Yucani considered humour?”
“No. I thought it would be more interesting to just turn up and see how they reacted to human jokes… you know… see the raw reaction.”
The older man is briefly speechless. He takes a breath and says quietly, “Gotta admire your chutzpah Kid. Not smart but that’s a LOT of chutzpah…”
“Why would EarthGov throw me under the bus? I don’t understand. I screwed up sure, but…”
He stops as the older man just holds up a hand. He gazes into his eyes as the first human he has seen in months speaks very quietly.
“Here’s the deal. As far as we can tell, a couple of months ago, this young human leaves Earth and flies to Yucani homeworld. He passes customs, checks into a Yucani version of a hotel and asks if they have versions of ‘clubs’. He discovers that, being social creatures, Yucani do indeed have these places where they gather to be entertained. Brilliant says he. The human goes to one of these. This human, he is not entirely ignorant- he’s learned basic Yucani. Not much, but enough to converse conversationally.”
The older mans stare nails the young man to his chair.
“So he goes there and meets the Yucani in charge. Explains that he is a ‘human entertainer’. Asks if he can perform. The Yucani, like the rest of his species? They get on well with us. We share similar traits. We have had good relations since the Treaty of Commerce and Travel was signed fifteen years ago. Sure, he says. He announces this human. Who gets on stage. But does not sing. Doesn’t dance. He talks. He talks to them. He says some pretty damn insulting things about them. He ignores their obvious growls of displeasure.”
“I thought they were laughing!”
“You thought wrong kid. The crowd sat for about twenty minutes getting madder and then decides enough is enough. They chase him out of the club, across two streets and corner him outside of his hotel. Where he is arrested and not lynched because the club owner rang the constabulary. Have I missed anything out?”
“No,” says Eversham quietly.
“So the EarthGov embassy gets informed of all this and do what they do and move to smooth ruffled fur. It’s just a misunderstanding they say. It’s an easy mistake they say. Their records show he is JUST a comedian. But here’s the thing kid. Yucani don’t have comedians. They don’t get it. So the Ambassador tries to explain it to them. Which in turn leads to a discussion about a very unique trait we humans have that Yucani do NOT have. Know what that is?”
“A sense of humour?” Eversham says, literally unable to help himself. He is surprised at the response.
“Well spotted. They have one but it is nothing like our own. They became fascinated at our sense of humour and then in quick measure, horrified at it. They find the very essence of human humour to be offensive, aggressive, cruel and vicious. Their government is considering tearing up the Treaty between our two races. Literally, your little stunt has caused the MOTHER of all diplomatic incidents.”
“I… I had… no idea,” stammers the Englishman.
“That comes as no surprise to me whatsoever,” comes the hissed reply. The older man sighs and rubs his eyes and continues. “Now the GOOD news is, given the severity of the charges you face, the nature of the issue, and the sheer monumental insanity of this whole thing, the Yucani have decided to not bother with all the minor courts, judges, appleant proceadures. You are going to be tried by the top court on the planet. The Ultimate Court. One trial, one hearing, one.”
Eversham just nods.
“The bad news is, it won’t be you alone on trial. It will be the entire human species. And our sense of humour. Somehow, just somehow, we have to convince these creatures that actually our sense of humour isn’t just an awful trait that they find offensive. And that means somehow, just somehow, I’ve got to defend human comedy in front of a species who has no concept of comedy at all.”
The older man sighs.
“And I thought raising my eldest daughter was tough!”
There is a silence. The full weight of the moment clearly hits the young man. He lowers his head and fights back tears. Eventually, without looking up, he says quietly.
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m sure you are kid.”
“I’ve been a fool.”
“This much EVERYONE can agree upon.”
“I never meant to cause this…”
The older man sighs again, “I know you didn’t kid. Everyone knows you didn’t MEAN it. Doesn’t make it any easier for folks back home.”
Andrew Eversham nods. Displaying the stoicism his nation was famed for, he remains very quiet. Tears drip off his nose but he makes no sound. The older man just looks at him, an iota of sympathy creeping into his sad eyes. Moments pass. Eversham finally speaks.
“It… maybe it would be better if everyone just wrote me off. Said I was insane. Aberrational. Throw me under the bus. Let everyone get on with it?”
A small sad smile crosses the older mans face.
“To be blunt, that is what a LOT wanted to do back in EarthGov. A lot still do. But it’s too late for that. The whole race is in the mix now. Like it or not, we gotta jump on this ride and see it through to the end. And this is why they sent me. Because some fool thinks that if anyone can win this, can somehow get you off, its me.”
“Are you a diplomat?”
“No, no, nothing like that.”
“So why did they send you?”
“Beats me kid. I mean I have a rough idea, but really? I think they sent me because they are desperate.”
“What do you do for a living?”
A smile.
“For my sins? I’m a Rabbi.”
Four Days Later; The Grand Chamber of the Yucani Ultimate Court
Rabbi Johnathan Cohen had to admit- it was impressive. For such a small race, the Yucani could do ‘grand’. As he looked around the chamber of the highest judiciary on their planet, he could imagine it being used for an equally impressive purpose back on Earth. Of course on Earth the décor and colour scheme would be a tad different. More imposing.
Regal even. This?
It reminded him of the garish interior of some Western Bordelo from the 1890’s if he was honest. Still, the gold and purples and reds didn’t distract from the gravitas of the assembly or the importance of the room.
Or the size of the crowd.
EarthGov told him it was going to be a big show. They were not kidding. The five judges (known as a ‘claw’ the standard designation in all Yucani trials apparently) were looking impressive in their yellow robes of office, but they were upstaged by everyone else. The importance of the nature of this trial had demanded that anyone who was anyone would be here.
Rabbi Cohen could see the heir to the Yucani Empire had arrived (representing his father and 83 siblings); the Minister for Relations With The Hairless Ones (the formal designation for the poor Yucani official who dealt with humans) was also there, talking to him in hurried trills.
There were delegations of all the great and the good of this species, including The High Matron of the Sacred Priestesses of Rho, whose arrival caused him to smile inwardly. And it wasn’t just the Yucani who were here.
The unique nature of the diplomatic spat had caused interest from a half dozen other species. He saw the Ambassador of the Tu-Kek sitting within a glass encased sphere; the Emissary of the Golden Hive, which sat unmoving upon a perch, witnessing all that it relayed to the collective hive mind of the crew of the colony/ship that had arrived in orbit a few days before.
There was even a Frosh there, hovering enigmatically in its encounter suit, and the Frosh didn’t seem interested in anything except fractal mathematical equations most of the time. None of the species knew a damn thing about them- highly advanced but utterly abstract.
And there were the other humans. The Ambassador was there looking nervous (he was partly to blame for messing up the aftermath of the event- his job was on the line); the Commodore of Human Forces in the nearest sector was to his right, looking bored (only here because EarthGov was slightly worried this could end in a war). The attractive secretary (who everyone whispered the Ambassdor was sleeping with), sat on the other side of the Commodore, his handsom eyes glancing at the proceedings nervously.
And this ignored the several hundred normal Yucani who had managed to gain attendance to the trial. Rabbi Cohen took a sip of water and muttered to himself, “No pressure then Johnathan…”
“What?”
He turned to the rather pathetic figure of Andrew Eversham besides him. He wasn’t chained, and he had been issued new clothing, but his eyes were sunken and he looked the very image of a broken man.
“Nothing kid,” he says kindly, “you ready for this?”
“No,” comes the dispondant reply. For some reason Johnathan smiles at this.
“That’s the way. Honesty is always the best policy.”
The beating of a gavel is enough to start the proceedings. Ear pieces to allow fluent translations of all sides words are donned, and Rabbi Cohen takes a deep breath. Yucani trials followed a slightly differing format than humans- but the jist was roughly the same. The ‘prosecution’ he noticed was a grey furred alien, whose somewhat rotund body revealed him to be a corpulent and well fed member of his species. No doubt some great legal mind.
The trial passed quickly enough- the facts were not in dispute and indeed the defence case being as it was (the human in question was ignorant of any harm he could cause and meant no malice) was not even seriously contested by the state. No, in truth the real reckoning lay in the deeper issue of human sense of humour, and how in would colour future Human-Yucani relations.
Eventually, after about an hour, the rotund alien hopped back towards his table and began trilling in low, dark tones. In Cohen’s ear the translation came across clearly.
Which leads us, most supreme claw, to the crux of the issue. The human’s case rests upon a simple defense; he was innocent of any illwill towards our peoples, but sought to ‘entertain’ us with an example of human ‘humour’. This has led to our people investigating this aspect of the aliens personalities, and what we have found is disturbing indeed.
Johnathan watched closely as little creature trilled and squeaked in strong tones, his brown eyes forever gazing around him; while he was no expert on Yucani bodylanguage, Cohen knew showboating when he saw it. The little fat furball was playing to the crowd, playing upon the sensibilities of his race.
We have found humans delight in mockery; in lampooning; in deriding. They claim they do the same to themselves, as if this excuses them, as if it gives them the writ to inflict such things upon the rest of the galaxy. For a human, mockery of their institutions and their leaders is to be expected. But as we all KNOW- such things are anathema to we Yucani; where the familial bonds of love and honour are as natural to us as breathing…
The Rabbi tried hard not to roll his eyes. The prosecution was laying it on thick. Really thick. He watched as the creature hopped and trilled, waving its little arms about, modulating its voice expertly. He could see every Yucani in the room moved by this; their noses twitched, eyes welled up, their tails would go back and forth violently.
Carefully the Rabbi listened as the little creature moved onto the mainstay of his argument.
Is it not said by the Goddess Rho, that ‘all things shall be in its natural place, from star to planet, from ruler to bondman’; does not Rho teach us that there is only joy to be found in ‘careful appreciation of the natural order of all things’? Is it not said within our most sacred texts that ‘The ONLY path towards elevation of a soul, is through acceptance of its time within the body’? These are the foundations of our very society, our very civilisations…
The prosecution begins waxing lyrical about the virtues of the civilisation of the Yucani, but Johnathan was only half listening. There was a religious aspect to this after all?
As he mused on the sacred words of the Rho, part of him wondered if the wiley President of Earth was smarter than he liked to appear. Did the old guy KNOW this was going to be their approach? Is this why he sent him?
His thoughts are broken as the prosecution brings his long and somewhat vaudevillian diatribe to its conclusion…
…which bases itself upon mockery, and lampoon and cruelty towards living things are ideas we Yucani cannot afford to allow infect our civilisation. They gnaw at its roots. They will in time infest our nests. Supreme Claw, I must ask, no implore, no BEG of you, to issue an edict which petitions our Emperor to reconsider allowing these humans access to our world. Lest one night, one terrible night, the scenes we saw, where a single voice defiles the virtues of our culture are repeated… but this time by one of our own children.
Cohen takes a breath and smiles to himself. He glances over at the ambassador who looks back nervously. Besides him the quiet voice of Andrew Eversham says, “I really screwed this all up didn’t I?”
“Yes kid. But look on the bright side?”
“There’s a bright side?”
“It’s not everyday you get to be accused of defiling an entire civilisation. Think about how it will look on your CV?”
Rabbi Cohen stands as his opposing side sits down heavily. He picks up a small card wherein the correct honourifics needed to address the court are clearly printed and runs through the formalities quickly enough. That done he gazes at the five judges for a moment, and shrugs.
“The human sense of humour. Where do I, one of our species, even BEGIN to start describing this complex thing that lies at the heart of who we are, to your most Supreme Claw? There are great minds on Earth who have wondered about this for many centuries and reached no conclusion. And yet it is clear, I must. So let me try and break this down into a way I feel the Yucani can understand and I hope, accept it, for all its imperfections.”
“It is a question often asked by us humans- what makes us laugh? What is the source of our humour? The prosecution would have you believe it is cruelty and mockery. And from the surface it would appear so. But allow me to illustrate that human humour is complicated and made up of many levels.”
He strides out from behind his table, keeping his voice low and his eyes focused on the judges.
“The starting point is incongruity. We humans like you Yucanti had an issue with incongruity. Evolutionary speaking our ancestors, like yours, lived lives fearing predators; both our species in our ancient past? We would gaze, eyes to the horizon, forever searching for danger. We learned well the safety in patterns, the formal, fixed nature of our surroundings. Anything out of place, incongruous, we would be drawn to. It spelt danger, it spelt threat.”
“For my species, long after we had evolved past the need to spot such things, we had this trait inherent still within us. Why do I stress this? When humans spot an incongruity in nature, when it does not threaten us? We laugh. An exclamation of relief. Identical to what Yucani call the ‘musk of fear ending’. For your species it is natural and normal. Same with ours. Yours is scent. Ours is sound. Identical reactions. A thing we have in common yes?”
A few aliens nod at this. A good start.
“However this is not the full basis of our humour. Incongruity cannot be the full extent of our humour. If I was to find a shoe in a dishwasher, or you were to find Gurnix inside a Flubuton, that in itself would not be the cause of humour to us. It would be odd, but not humorous. The key for us humans is that incogurity has to be of a correct kind. For humans it has to involve a shift of perspective. The great human psychologist, Koestler, pointed out that for humans this shift is all important. An example would be…”
He nods to one of the technicians and displayed in the air in both languages are words.
When is a door not a door?
When it is a jar!
“This is an example of that type of humour. Incongruity presenting a perspective shift.”
There is utter silence from the audience and he scans the translation and smiles.
“Of course the joke does not translate at all to your race. The play on contexts and language is entirely lost to you. But notice how my fellow humans did not laugh either. Such things are primitive; plays on words, sudden perspective shifts. Proto-Jokes almost. I raise it to establish the baseline of our humour.”
“We humans have many of these jokes. We call them things like ‘knock-knock jokes’ and ‘lightbulb jokes’. They are not truly appealing to our humour, the highest compliment they can get is to be called clever, for you see they are missing a particular element of humour which the prosecution has done well to highlight.”
“What they miss, is a degree of cruelty.”
The little rotund advocate for the state stands and begins trilling in high pitched tones. Cohen waits for the translation to come through.
So you admit that humans revel in cruelty?
He smiles, “No.”
But you just said that your humour needs cruelty!
“A certain type, yes. But not the type you described.”
Semantics! Your supreme clawness, I urge you end this nonsense…
We will hear the human defence, intones the oldest, long whiskered judge, As we are curious as not how they will justify this.
“I thank the indulgence of the court,” smiles Cohen, and he takes a breath.
“There remains, there always will, an aspect of human behaviour that is mistaken for our humour but is not. This is how we humans use laughter. Laughter is a physical response to things. Mostly to humour yes, but also, and this is where the prosecution made their mistake, it can be a sound of triumph. At such times the sound is indeed dark and unmistakably cruel. Many have observed that for all the love we have of the sound of laughter it is by volume and in ferocity, an aggressive sound. And there exists many examples of our species using laughter when committing acts of cruelty.”
He shrugs, “It was only a few centruies ago that it became unfashionable to visit the places we kept our psychically and mentally disable for the purpose of laughing at them. We thought it good sport to look upon their pain. All of human history contains accounts of how public executions were raucous affairs, we would attend and celebrate the killing of one of our own, often with laughter as the guillotine came down upon them…”
Rabbi Cohen sighs heavily, “When I was younger I once saw a picture. Germany. The 1930’s. A small child, a Jewish boy, was being forced to clean the street on his hands and knees. Around him stood adults and they were laughing. This isn’t human humour, it’s cruelty. There are countless episodes of torturers laughing as they inflict pain. Of laughter being heard from mass shooters, from soldiers in war, at our most darkest moments. These things I do not refute. But point out a similarity of experience between our species.”
“Every species in the galaxy knows Yucani are fastidious in cleaning, how they value healthy and clean fur. No Yucani would ever dose another in urine for example. What then of your treatment of prisoners? Are we to take that as indicative of Yucani finding such things acceptable? Of course not. It is a certain, dark aspect of your society, misunderstood except BY your species. This is the same as using laughter by humans in moments of cruelty. It is separate FROM the debate about humour.”
He takes a breath and a sip of water before continuing.
“No, to say human humour is incognuity mixed with cruelty is too simplistic. It has to be the right type of cruelty…”
What do you mean the right type of cruelty? asks the supreme judge.
Johnathan Cohen thinks for a moment and smiles, “On Earth, a wise man called Mel Brooks once asked the question- what is the difference between tragedy and comedy?”
What was his answer?
“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down a manhole cover and die.”
The Ambassadors secretary bursts out laughing, the sound carries across the room, ALL eyes fall upon him. Hurridly he covers his mouth, going red in the process.
“And you see the very nature of it right there. A sudden juxtaposition of incongruity and a certain element of cruelty, producing an involuntary response. Laughter.”
He pauses for a moment and says quietly, “In our distant past, in the year 1991 of our calander, a human writer called David Barry said the following, “The most important humor truth of all is that to really see the humour in a situation, you have to have perspective. ‘Perspective’ is derived from two ancient Greek words: ‘persp’ meaning ‘something bad happens to someone else’ and ‘ective’ meaning ‘ideally someone like Donald Trump’.”
At this all the humans bursts out laughing and Rabbi Cohen holds up his hands, “Again- the involuntary reaction. I won’t bother to explain it your honours, just to say that last statement was a joke designed to highlight something.”
“The core cruelty here is that someone must lose dignity. As we humans say be brought down a peg or two, or be knocked off a pedestal. It can be used by the mob as a weapon, and YES, it does have a subversive power. One of our ancients, a man called Plato, thought humour was destabalsing to the state and should be banned from it, which for us humans? Tell us much about the kind of guy Plato actually was.”
See? This is my allegation Supreme Claw. The human ADMITS what I am saying is true…
“What we do you got right, WHY we do it you got wrong. I heard you speaking about how Rho says we must appreciate the time our souls connect with our bodies correct?”
The prosecution’s whiskers twitch a little, and carefully it says Yes
“Well, the most basic, the most universal, the most raw and successful brand of comedy, the one my clients version was but a verbal variation of, the one that transcends the many human languages, is humour based upon just that. The realisation that there is a split between the soul, the essence of a human, and these dull, mundane frail bodies we exist in. What a psychologist once called the ‘dualism of subtle mind and inert matter’. “
“We call that humour, slapstick.”
He grins to himself.
“The core of all slapstick is the ‘the blow and the fall’. It can be as simple as a human slipping on the skin of recently eaten fruit. Or elaborate and detailed, but at its core is something very important. We understand, totally, the immortality of the soul, what the Goddess Rho holds to essence of being, but we also recognise the limitations of the body. Your species finds solance in holding to the immutable structure of the universe to reconcile this correct? We reconcile it by finding humor when we are reminded that these frail bodies cannot match the perfection of what lies within.”
“All of this is just by way of explaining this…”
An image appears on screen. It is a small human infant, wearing a sundress, maybe aged about 2 or 3 years old. Walking towards them is an image of Rabbi Cohen. He smiles at the child, and walks towards her and then, suddenly, slips and lands on his backside, a look of mock shock on his face. And at that, the court room is filled with the sound of the small child laughing, laughing hard; uncontrollable laughter, a sound that makes every human in the room smile. The image ends.
“Your honours, THAT is the most beloved sound on my home planet. The sound of an innocent child laughing. It transcends cultures and languages, transcends time. It delights us like NO other sound. We can spend hours just trying to get children to make it.”
“Consider then what you just saw? An innocent- capable of no higher functions of thought; an infant. It’s reactions are primal. But what DID you see? An infant is able to identify itself as a being, and me as a separate being. It saw the classic imposition upon my being by this mundane body. I tripped and slipped on my tuchus. A sudden juxtaposition of incongruity. One second I am stood, the next I am not. Mixed with the RIGHT kind of cruelty. Misfortune happening to another. But notice my reaction- my mock smile? My grand daughter realises that it is not hurting me and responds with a spontainious reaction of laughter.”
“THIS is at its base, the core of ALL human comedy and humour; it is based on empathy, and innocence. Not for her convoluted explanations involving cruelty and mockery. Just instinct. As we grow we develop more sophisticated methods to find humour but at its core? That is it. Is that not a demonstration of how our humour is as identical as your veneration of the soul within the body? The acceptance of the duality of body and spirit?”
Rabbi Cohen smiles, gently and turns to the Judges.
“Your honours, I urge you to dismiss this case. And I urge you to do so because let me tell you what will happen to the defendant. He will be released. He will return home. And when he does? He will become the subject of many, many jokes. He bore no ill will in his heart towards your race- but he was a schmuck.”
What is a schmuck?
“It’s a certain type of human. For the Yucani? A schmuck will forever be my client.”
In his chair the stand up comedian opens his mouth and then closes it. Defeated.
“He will return home and we will make stories about what he did. We will laugh at his foolishness, his ignorance, his pride….”
And we so gonna have fun with you little fat gerbil, he thinks but does not say as he eyes the prosecutor.
“And our ambassador will sit down with the Crown Prince and they will add a provision to the Treaty of Trade and friendship that says, based on the psychological underpinnings of our two species, and given we recognise that we share in common a belief of the duality of our existence and indeed of the existence of the soul, that human humour is a natural byproduct of our evolution like musk scenting is part of yours. Neither of our species share these traits, so lets not inflict it upon the other huh?”
“That would seem to me to be a most equitable and fair solution.”
The judges consulte one another, the Yucani remove their translation devices, but Johnathan can see their chirpings are appreciative. He may not have convinced them humans are FUNNY… but he may have convinced them to let this slide. He sits down at his table, gathers up his case note and begins to place them inside his briefcase.
Besides him, the comedian gazes over and sees there, amidst the papers in the briefcase, a hard backed book… ‘On the origins of humor: why Neaderthals can’t take a joke’ by Dr Johnathan Cohen, and a sudden realisation crosses his mind and he whispers, “You wrote that?”
“When not studying the Torah, I dabble in evolutionary psychology. It pays the bills.”
“Thank you.”
“Hey kid, what we gonna do? Let aliens say we bad for liking to laugh? What’s next? We are sinful because we breath?”
As the court recesses, and the judges leave to make their judgement, Rabbi Cohen stands and turns to make his way over to the Ambassadour when he is stopped suddenly. There, before him, stands the representative of the Frosh. It’s towering form, its huge encounter suit, obscuring the being from within. It’s cold black visage, plain glass of some kind, looms balefully over him.
In all the hustle of the Yucani leaving, no one notices this member of the most elusive and obscure of all the alien species, make his way to stand before the human. Johnathan clears his throat and goes, “Hello?”
The alien just stands.
“Can I help you?”
The black screen suddenly flashes brief, fractal images upon it, who flare in and out of existing as quick as a human blink. At the same time a warbling high pitch noise emits from deep in the chest area.
The Rabbi blinks and says, “What?”
The images and the noise is repeated again. Realisation dawning, Rabbi Cohen places down his briefcase and picks up the translator device he was using back on the table.
“Say that again please?”
The images flash and the noise is made and two seconds later words form in the humans ear… a simple message…
Pull my finger.
There is a silence. Around them the Yucani chitter and trill but Johnathan Cohen begins to smile…

what does 2 fingers sign mean video

Therefore, bowmen would give the French enemies the sign of two fingers to show that they had not been captured and were capable of killing them. 10 0. Sitting Still. Lv 4. 1 decade ago . From what I've heard it dates back to the times when England and France were constantly at war. When the French captured the English they would put them in prison. At some point during their incarceration the It also is a copy from “Father Christmas”, St. Nicholas, who is shown to honour the false Pagan Sun god. To any Orthodox or Catholic Christian, the man in these icons, who they call “Jesus”, his right hand in icons is usually explained as being raised to give a blessing. What does 👉👈 mean on TikTok? Wha does the two fingers touching emoji mean on TikTok? Picture: E!, Unscripted via YouTube So, what do the two finger emojis pointing at each other actually mean? The emoji phrase has now made it over to Twitter where everyone is just as confused. The majority of people agree that it means 'shy'. As if you This symbol was derived during the middle ages when england was at war with France. Bowmen, or Long Bowmen (aka, archers) use two fingers to draw back their bow string and were the deadliest unit... Nowadays, showing two fingers with the palm of your hand towards you is known as the "Two finger salute" or " the forks" in Australia. Popular culture also describes the meaning of the "V" sign meaning "up yours", and is commonly accompanied by the verbalization of this sentence when wanting to insult someone even further. Does anyone remember when you were a kid, going up behind an unsuspecting person and holding two fingers over their head and counting until they noticed? I'm not referring to bunny ears during a photo. If you remember doing this, what did it mean? I remember doing it and seen some kids doing it today, but I forget the meaning. Just curious to the point it's been bugging me ever since LOL If it's the first and second fingers from the thumb and the thumb and tucked down fingers are facing away from the person making the sign it's the sixties American hippy peace sign. The other way round, with the thumb and tucked down fingers facing the person making the sign, it's the ancient English sign of defiance. Later also used for Those two fingers are used to place the arrow and draw the bow string back. If the French ever caught any bowmen those fingers were cut off. At subsequent battles the fingers were held up as a... In the United States, the two hand signals mean the same thing – “victory,” as popularised by Richard Nixon, or “peace and love,” which seemed to become the primary meaning after anti-Vietnam protesters used it during the 60s. Click to see full answer. Similarly, it is asked, what does the two fingers sign mean? It started as the V for Victory sign (Palm facing forward, index and middle finger extended) with Prime Minister Churchill in World War 2 and became the peace sign in the 60 s. It was based on the...

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